We Were Heroes Once
by december.s-flower
Summary: Being forsaken by everyone changes Shepard, and not for the better. A look at her darker, more sadistic side. M for language, violence, and nudity **Everything Mass Effect belongs to BioWare** CONTENT ABSOLUTELY NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN!
1. Drinking Game

This seemed unfair. Downright wrong! She saved all their sorry asses and now they completely abandoned her. Shepard stared at the half empty mug of cold and bitter coffee before her, pissed about pretty much everything. Tali left for the flotilla, understandably, Miranda ...the bitch whom she never really liked... went back to Cerberus with Jacob followed shortly by Jack who wanted to give Miranda a head start before giving chase. Zaaed got his money and disappeared as soon as the Collector base blew up, but who would have expected any less from a hired merc. Morinth........well, it's Morinth. Her "oath" expired so she left. Thane was the last to go as much as Shepard wished he was the first, but he did eventually and literally disappear. Mordin, however, passed away recently of natural causes. Now she was only left with Joker, Grunt, Garrus, and the stalker geth. _Yay me_, Shepard thought to herself, wondering if the rest stuck around out of pity or obligation, and took another swig of the coffee, swallowing the bitterness that mirrored her own.

"Still can't understand how you humans can drink that nasty stuff." resonated a deep voice behind her.

"No one asked you to." Shepard shot back, rather wanting to piss Grunt off. She was looking for a fight, itching for one. Ever since they came back from the Omega 4 relay, she felt utterly useless. "If you're not bringing some alcohol to the table, get out. If you don't, I'll make you."

"Ha! I would like to see you try!" Grunt laughed, dismissing Shepard's hand on her pistol. "And anyway, I didn't come here to fight you. Just came back from a chat with your turian."

Shepard snorted. A krogan talking to a turian? But just to humor Grunt, she asked what they talked about.

"You, actually." the krogan replied, planting himself in front of Shepard and pulling out an expensive looking bottle of liquor.

"Me?" Shepard reached for the bottle, only to be stopped half way by Grunt.

"Yes, stupid, you. Your turian seems concerned about your current ... habits."

"Wait," she paused, "you guys talked about me behind my back? Jerks. Make yourself useful and get the shot glasses and maybe I'll think about forgiving you."

Shepard stared hard at Grunt, willing with her mind to make him stop talking and open the bottle, her red eyes boring into his and she knew if she looked hard enough, she would see her scarred face reflected in his blue ones. Her concentration was suddenly broken by Grunt who jumped up, laughing.

"That's why I like you, Shepard. You've got a quad! Not many can stare down a krogan! Alright, I'll get your glasses, but I doubt you can out drink me this time."

"Yeah, yeah, just shut up and get the glasses."

For the next hour, they challenged themselves to a shot after shot, shouting obscenities at each other. And for that hour, Shepard felt blissfully happy and unaware, the warmth and fuzziness slowly spreading throughout her body. She knew she could never out drink Grunt, nor did she intend to. She simply wanted to get drunk.

"So-" she hiccuped, "what did you and Garrus talk about?"

"Something about taking over Omega... I don't remember. The damn turian wouldn't say much."

"What the hell does he wanna do in _that_ shit hole? Is he in love with Aria or something?"

"I resent that." said a soft voice behind her that was unmistakeably of turian origin.

"Garrus! What are you doing here?" Shepard asked, pretending to be surprised at his presence.

"Just came up to see what all the noise was about. But I guess I should have known." he replied, his eyes traveling from Shepard to Grunt, to the now empty bottle, then back to Shepard. "I need to talk to you about something." he finished and left.

"What was that all about?" Shepard demanded of Grunt who only shrugged in reply. "Whatever, got another bottle?"

Before she knew it, Shepard was completely drunk, her speech slurred and her movements uncertain. Eventually, the conversation turned to Illusive Man.

"And seriously! What's up with those eyes, huh? Like he's so mysterious or something."

"That human's so full of himself he can't see past his own nose."

"I know! Right? That son of a bitch! I saved his ass! _His_ ass! And then he complains about me destroying the base? What a jerk!" Shepard waves her arms around in disgust causing herself to fall out of a very delicate balance. Completely unaware of what was happening, she only saw the room rapidly tilting until her body was parallel to the ground. She swore, loudly, but despite the anger, she chose to stay on the ground. Her head was throbbing lightly from where it hit the floor, but Shepard didn't notice the pain. The metal panes felt cool against the bare patches of her skin and she relaxed for the first time in weeks. _Waking up is going to be a bitch_, she thought before losing consciousness.

And it was. She felt, for a lack of a better word, like shit. Her head was pounding, her body ached in every possible way, and she could not see straight. She wondered how many bottles she and Grunt went through, vaguely remembering them being stacked up on the table, one next to another, bottle after bottle. Or was that from another time? It hurt to think. She needed a shower, bad, she could tell, no, smell. Her whole body reeked of alcohol and sweat and it was making Shepard nauseous. It took every ounce of her effort to drag herself out of bed and into the bathroom. She could not even recognize herself in the mirror. What stood before her could not, in any way, have been human. Her hair was an unimaginable disaster, the circles under her eyes have become darker, deeper, the eyes themselves looked sunken and redder than normal, and her skin was as white as the cotton sheets on her bed. It was so frightening it was almost funny and Shepard could not help but laugh a little to herself, wondering if this is how she looked for the past weeks. Considering she has been getting shit faces with Grunt nearly three to four times a week, it was not an impossibility. The thought made her laugh even more.

"And you are laughing...... why?" asked Garrus from the bathroom doorway, making Shepard nearly jump out of her skin. Her immediate reaction was to punch him, merely out of self defense. Before her fist could make contact with his face, however, he caught it, pulling Shepard closer to himself. She was thankful for the actions as she was about to lose her balance and fall flat on her face.

"You could have knocked!" she accused him, unapologetic.

"I did," he replied, as calm as ever, "but you didn't answer, so, I assumed.... you know, after our night together....that it would be okay..if I came in." he finished awkwardly, looking away. Shepard realized that if he wasn't so dark skinned, he would be blushing. She remembered their night together. Their intimacy, it was the first time he had ever truly opened up to her. To anyone, he said. There was, apparently, a turian female in the past, but it was just a fling, nothing serious, and only because his father arranged it. But she also remembered being ridiculously ill afterward as a result of swallowing turian tissue in complete disregard of Mordin's warning. She was, after all, Shepard and nothing could kill her. How wrong she was. But Mordin swept in and saved the day and in the process, the rest of the missing crew. She chuckled to herself. Aria could not have been more right about him. No enemy ever lived to tell about their encounter wit him. None understood her better than him, Garrus, and Grunt and for that she loved them. The rest of the crew? Not so much.

"Don't pass out on me now, Shepard." she heard and was immediately brought back to reality which included the still pounding headache.

"Are you still mad that I didn't knock?" Garrus asked apologetically. Shepard sighed. No, she wasn't mad. She was never mad. Not at Garrus. She shook her head no. Relief washed over his face.

"Alright, then. I came here to talk to you about something."

"Um, sure. But.... can it wait a sec? I kind of... need to..... you know, use the bathroom.."

"Oh, okay."

".............Alone, Garrus." she pushed, nudging him out the door.

"Oh. Oh! Yes! Sorry. Just.. come see me down in the engines room when you're ready."

"I won't leave you hanging." she replied, closing the door.

Alone again. Shepard wondered if being a hero was really worth it. If there really was such a thing as a hero. When she ran with the Reds back on earth, everything was so easy. Steal some credits, boost a car, sell or buy some drugs. Do drugs. She was no commander then, nor did she ever imagined that she'd be the one saving the galaxy. That only happened in comics and movies. She pressed her forehead against the cool glass and closed her eyes. She wanted that simplicity back, she didn't want to be the problem solver anymore. She wasn't born to be a problem solver. Everyone said she always made the right choices, did the right things, but they didn't know her. She was perhaps the galaxy's most ruthless inhabitant. Whenever she heard on the news about something terrible, she always thought to herself, _I could have done worse_. Being born a killer doesn't change when you become a hero.

Shepard opened her eyes to take stock of her appearance once more. Still looked terrible. Looked old. But she was only 34. She cleaned herself up a bit, brushed out her hair as best she could, changed into a fresh shirt and headed down to the lower level. The emptiness of the Normandy was oppressive. By the time she reached the engineer deck, Shepard felt as depressed as a krogan who was forbidden to fight.

"Shepard, I'm glad you're here."

"What's up, Garrus."

"I have... a plan."


	2. The Plan

It was simple. It was brilliant. It made her happy. Why this was not thought of before she knew not.

"Garrus, you're a genius." she conceded, flashing him a smile that implied so much mischief. He smiled back.

"I'm glad you agree. I was afraid that with your..... somewhat law abiding past you would disapprove."

"Are you kidding? This is perfect! You, me, Grunt. It's perfect!"

"But, Shepard, there is a compromise. We would have to get rid of the Normandy. The ship is traceable. You know that better than any of us."

"Yes," Shepard replied thoughtfully, "you have a valid point." She thought for a moment more before brightly coming to a conclusion.

"Well, there are two ways we can do this."

"Two?"

"Two. We can all get jobs and pay for a new ship, or..."

"Or?"

"We can 'borrow' one"

"I think I know where this is going."

Shepard carefully watched his expression. She already knew what she wanted to do, but she needed to make sure Garrus was with her on this one. She watched as a smile crept onto his face and immediately knew that he was.

"Glad we agree 'cuz I really didn't want to have to fight you over this."

"Neither did I, Shepard, neither did I. Will Grunt agree to this?"

"Ha! That krogan will follow me to the ends of the galaxy! Don't forget, I am his battlemaster."

"True, but you can never be too sure............ speaking from personal experience."

Shepard knew he was talking about Sidonis, that traitor bastard, and she understood his concerns. She understood that he could never trust anyone fully again save for her. She was lucky in that respect because Garrus was not someone you wanted to piss off and expect to live. Sidonis was a dead example of that.

"I'll talk to him." she reassured him.

"Please. Let me know of the outcome. His assistance would be invaluable."

After a successful talk with Grunt, who didn't need much convincing, Shepard returned to her cabin. Of course it was only natural that they would turn to this. After all, the Council abandoned them, the Alliance abandoned them, and now even Cerberus was after them courtesy of her pissing off the Illusive Man. He asked for it, though. He got what he deserved. Did he honestly expect to bring her back to life and have her follow his every whim? He clearly didn't read her files. It was fun leading him on, making him believe he had the upper hand, but in the end, she had to toss him aside because he was standing in her way. As expected, he didn't like that and now she was his number one target, human or not.

She relished in the memory of his face when she told him off and it made her smile even more at the thought of his expression when she cut him off. She knew that this was the best way to make enemies, but pissing people off was something she greatly enjoyed and was extremely proficient in.

Admittedly, she has grown close to a few people, but only a few. There were many more whom she hated. She picked up the N7 helmet from her desk. A rather depressing reminder of her past life and death. Shepard couldn't understand why she decided to keep the trashy thing. She was not one for sentiments, she was not an item collector, either, which was why her model ship case remained empty. But something about the helmet drew her to it. Perhaps it was _because_ it signified death. Or maybe rebirth. She didn't know and she didn't want to think about it. It was just a piece of junk, anyway.

The whole room was filled with junk and was starting to reek. Reek of dead fish and unpleasant memories. It will be good to finally move on, to start something new, something different. Something less heroic. But first, a shower. Shepard felt like she was starting a new again. New plan, new life, new outlook. Well, modified outlook. What would she have done without Garrus?

The plan was simple enough. They were going to start their own mercenary group, just the three of them, no other positions to fill. They would stick to the Terminus system and would essentially do what Garrus was doing post her death. They would operate on their own and maybe eventually, just for fun, take over Omega. Thinking back on her first visit there brought mixed memories. On one hand, that place sickened her. Vorcha, Batarians, humans too, all living in trash, wasting their lives away, drowning their hate and sorrow in cheap alcohol and bad music. But on the other hand, she found Garrus there and nearly lost him, too. She remembered every detail of that moment, everything in slow motion like they do in movies. Up until the moment he walked into the comm room, she feared that she had lost the only friend she ever had. When he joked about his injuries, she wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time. They were pretty bad. But that was the first time Shepard was ever afraid of losing someone.

Back on Virmire, she didn't care who lived or died. She sent Ashley to her death without an ounce of hesitation. But that may have been because Shepard was prejudiced and selfish. It could have been Alenko, but they had an arrangement, an agreement. Well, at least she did, he may have thought that it was more than that. But to Shepard, it was always strictly sexual. There was no point in building a relationship when chances of survival were so slim. She told so to Thane, as well, but he said something about making a mistake. Shepard never makes mistakes. That's what she told herself. Until recently.

It was all Garrus's fault, his talks of reach and flexibility and savoring the shot. It made her think of him in a whole new way, it made her think of him all the time. She began to think that she was in love with him. Of course, it was only natural. They were so alike. Which was why this plan was so brilliant and why it would work. After their one night together, though, Shepard realized that it wasn't love, it was only fascination. She cared for Garrus, but not in that way. However, she wasn't about to deny that the sex was good, because it was, it was probably the best damn sex she's ever had. Something she could not have imagined to be true in the past. She also never thought she'd be into other species.

Shepard figured that Alenko was her only option before, even though Liara practically threw herself at her. But Liara was still a female in her eyes and Shepard did not swing that way. As for Alenko, she found him tedious and weak but she needed someone to vent her stress out on and he was the only available one. She tried hitting on Joker once, but he never took her seriously so that was the end of that potential relationship.

She looked at the dead fish in the tank, floating weightlessly in water, lifeless, just like she was not too long ago. And now? A whole new opportunity, a whole new life. A whole new set of people that she could put bullets through. Shepard smiled at the thought. Nothing like solving a problem with a single bullet to the head, or a knee cap, whichever was more effective. She was always most at peace with a pistol in her hand, firing a shot after shot into her enemies, taking away their very essence of life.

A long time ago, she promised herself that she would never kill an innocent person again, but the military changed that. Over the years, she had become desensitized to death, violence, and gore. It made her cynical and ruthless. But, whatever got the job done. No one ever complained about her methods before, either because they didn't care or were too afraid to contradict. Taking lives became easy after a while and even fun. The only reason she agreed to help out her team mates was because it provided her with an opportunity to blow up some explosive crates and set some people on fire. Shepard particularly enjoyed helping Krios out, not out of kindness, but because she got to beat the crap out of some guy. She could have ended it quickly, could have pulled rank, but chose not to. And in any case, she already told the Council where they could shove their Spectre status. No one was too happy about that. Shepard didn't care, though. She was tired of being their guinea pig. Irrelevant, but it was probably why they abandoned her.

Regardless of her current situation, Shepard saw only good things ahead. At least from her point of view. A lot of people were about to find out why it was unhealthy to get on her bad side. That included the Illusive Man.


	3. Mistake

A year had passed since they abandoned the second Normandy and Shepard was starting to get bored and restless. It seemed like she had everything: the money, the guy, the power. But she couldn't help but feel like something was still missing. The Illusive Man proved to be much more elusive than she had anticipated and the number of people they killed to get to him was getting higher and higher. Not that it was a problem, they were bad people to begin with. But with each kill they were no closer than they were before.

It was angering and frustrating Shepard and she sought solace in the lower levels of Afterlife. More often than not she came back to their apartment drunk which caused a disagreement between her and Garrus. But he always apologized for it with amazing sex. And that's how it was for them. Hunt and kill some people during the day, get drunk in the evening, then have rough and satisfying sex at night while Grunt was counting credits in the next room.

Not that it was a bad arrangement. No one ever complained. But it was still not enough.

"One more." she ordered the bartender. He obliged, looking skeptically at her. She had been sitting in the same chair for the past two hours, drinking, thinking, dried up blood from her last victim still on her hands. "Don't judge me." she shot at him.

"'Slong as you don't start trouble I don't give a damn what you do." the Turian bartender eyed the heavy pistol clearly displayed by Shepard's arm.

"So what if I do wanna start trouble? What are _you_ gonna do? Throw me out?" she laughed and it sounded strange in the mixed beats of the bar and the haze of smoke. It didn't sound her own.

"If I have to, I will." he shouted back in reply. Shepard was drunk and everything felt distorted. His words were a challenge, she was sure of it. She drew her pistol and fired. The shots resonated throughout the bar, momentarily drowning out the music. Her ears rang, sending her into a spin. She was no longer in control of her body, her finger pulling on the trigger over and over again, sending customers in all directions for cover. Shepard didn't know how many shots hit, she wasn't even aware of the situation any more. Everything was a blur. It was exciting. It made her feel alive. Then suddenly, sharp pain in the back of her head and then blackness.

She woke up on the couch as a familiar scent filled her nostrils. It made her choke and swear. But it brought her back to reality. Her head was throbbing. But more than that, the fingers of her right hand were burning. Why, she didn't know, couldn't remember.

"Nice going, Shepard." she vaguely heard Grunt complain somewhere near her. Nice going what? What did she do? Her hand instinctively reached for her forehead. The hotness of her skin made her fingers burn even more and she swore again, louder.

"Shut up or you'll wake up the turian." he threatened her.

"What the hell is going on?" she managed, tenderly nursing her hand.

"Well, Shepard. Let me tell you, in clear detail. You got piss ass drunk and fucking shot up Afterlife. Killed nearly half the people there. Including someone very important."

"I hope it was the Illusive Man, that son of a bitch." Shepard muttered in reply.

"No, you are not that lucky. I hope you know that is is going to piss a lot of people off."

"I should hope so. It's what we do, isn't it? Piss people off then kill them?"

"Yeah, we do. What we _don't_ do, however, is tell people who we are, you retard."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You, moron! You killed half the population of Omega last night, shot up Afterlife while shouting just about everything! Lucky for you, your turian friend is smart. Settled the whole mess. But I suggest we get the hell out of here. Soon."

Shepard still wasn't sure what Grunt was talking about but it sounded like something she would have done. It also explained the burns on her fingers. _Fuck!_ she silently thought to herself. She knew that her drinking problem would eventually get the better of her, she just didn't know how much. In her mind, she imagined Garrus, struggling to calm the crowds down, telling them that whatever she said was a lie, that she was just drunk, that there was no way she was _the_ Commander Shepard (she was sure she blurted that out somewhere in there), that she was just out of her mind. Guilt seized her. She knew she was slowly falling apart and she was taking him down with her. And a fool that he was, he followed her, trusted her. Loved her. Thinking of that made her realize that for all the times he's confessed his love to her, she had never reciprocated his feelings. She has been an idiot, Grunt was right. And now, she put them all in danger.

Gingerly, she got up off the couch and proceeded into her bedroom where Garrus was sound asleep. She sat on the edged of the bed, watching him. It was warm in the room so he kicked the blanket to the ground, sleeping in the nude as he always did. Shepard had to admit that his body was pretty damn sexy. He was probably the best looking turian she had ever seen. His body was lean, muscular, strong. But also impossibly gentle. The way he touched her face, her body. The first time they had intercourse, she walked away with only a couple scratches. Afterward, she allowed him to be rougher, eventually branching out into full scale wrestling matches that left them both panting and wanting more. He complimented her strength often, evidently surprised that she could hold out against him. He always won, but Shepard didn't mind.

She reached out to touch his heaving chest. His skin was warm, comforting. Her own body temperature was rising. Thinking about sex wasn't helping. She wanted to wake him up, but after what she had done, he deserved to be left alone. Putting aside her thoughts of arousal, Shepard got up and walked over to the desk as quietly as she could in darkness.

"Shepard?"

Not quietly enough. She whirled around, catching herself on the chair.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I was already awake."

Shepard immediately thought back to a moment ago and blushed.

"Why didn't you say something?" she shot hotly at him.

"Because I liked where your hand was."

She blushed again. Didn't know why, but she did. His confidence in their relationship has soared incredibly over the past year to the point where he was teasing her instead of the other way around. But it made her arousal all that much better.

"Jerk." she muttered.

"I heard that." he laughed in response. "So, you were quite the attraction earlier today. I'm sure Omega is still speaking of it."

The guilt returned, stronger this time.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. Really. I am."

"Shepard, you know I forgave you. Besides, I really don't want to get my ass kicked by you." he joked.

"You sure? 'Cuz I can totally oblige you."

"Stressed much?"

"You have no idea."

"Then show me."

The seduction was literally dripping off his words, like honey. It was both sweet and intoxicating.

"Come here and I just might."

"I don't know, all those clothes might get in the way." he nodded at her, indicating her attire.

"You talk too much, turian." she replied, kicking off her shoes and approaching the bed. She saw him watching her, his eyes glowing in the faint light of the room, hungry, devouring, but he didn't move.

"Hurry up, Shepard, or I might fall asleep."

"You want it that bad?" she teased.

"No less than you by the looks of it."

She had to give it to him, he was right. Just the thought of him inside her made her wet and her nipples erect and dangerously sensitive. She could feel the rough fabric rubbing against them with her every step, acutely aware of each sensation. If she wanted to, she could orgasm just by looking at him. With as much patience as she could muster, Shepard tugged off her shirt, exposing her sensitive breasts to air. She tried to strike a sexy pose in front of him, tossing her shirt at his chest.

"Like it?" she asked in a husky voice.

"Too slow." he replied and before Shepard knew what was going on, she was on the ground, beneath him.

A/N: For all you Shep/Garrus fans, I will try not to disappoint in the next chapter!


	4. Together

"Why, Garrus! So forceful." Shepard mocked, trying to suppress her own desire. "I like it."

"I haven't even started."

She felt his knee deliberately press against her crotch, moving ever so slightly in circles, enough to illicit a small moan out of her. A smirk escaped Garrus and Shepard swore. She can't let him win this easily.

"Neither have I."

She hooked her leg around his other knee, grabbed his arm with one hand and wrapped the other around his back and forcefully flipped him over.

"I hear turians like it rough." she smirked back.

"Really? From who?"

"Oh, I don't know, from some turian who called himself Archangel. Crazy bastard he was."

"Wouldn't know him." Garrus replied back, slowly dragging his claws down her back. "Sounds like he knows what he's talking about, though."

Shepard shuddered slightly. It tickled, but felt good.

"Asshole." she breathed into his ear and smiled. She let her hand travel down the length of his chest to his lower abdomen. Could feel his muscles tightening under her touch, his movements become more erratic, his heart beat quicken.

"Mm, I like where this is going." he murmured.

"I bet you do." her fingers curled around his erection causing Garrus to inhale sharply. "But I can't make this easy now, can I?"

She slid down his body, leaving a trail of hot breath on his skin. His grip on her back tightened.

"If you want it, prove it." she breathed, her lips only millimeters away from his cock. Shepard loved the way his body responded to her touch. She loved even more the fact that he tried to fight it, like he did now, forcing his hips to stay put despite wanting her mouth around him.

"Cruel, Shepard. But I can do better." His voice was heavy, faltering, she could tell. But they were both far from loss of control.

He sat up, grabbed her around her waist and effortlessly tossed her over his head onto the bed behind them. It always amazed Shepard how truly strong Garrus was. And how great his aim was. She watched him casually get up and walk over to the bedside stand.

"You might want to take one of these." he said, tossing a bottle onto the bed.

"I like to live dangerously." Shepard replied, opening it nonetheless.

"It would be a tragedy if you died. Again."

"Are you saying you'll miss me, Garrus?" she teased. He didn't reply. He never told her, but Shepard knew her death tore him up on the inside. Choosing not to pursue the subject, she took the pill instead. "How long you gonna keep me waiting, Vakarian?"

"For as long as I see fit."

She closed her eyes and pretended to fall asleep, fake snoring. Mistake on her part. She felt his strong hands on her wrists before she could even open her eyes. He was above her, forceful, fierce, and completely in control. Shepard smiled.

"Do your worst, I dare you." she challenged him.

"Oh, I intend to."

He raised her hands above her head and held them there with one hand, his grip unrelenting. His face was so close now, she could smell hints of sweet liquor on his breath. Her favorite, he knew that. Bastard was using her every weakness against her.

"You son of a bitch..." she breathed as his tongue flicked across her lips

"So I've been told. But only because you've taught me thus."

Shepard tried to reach for his tongue, capture it in her mouth, savor the sweetness, but he moved away, grinning in his turian way.

"You forgot to say 'please'." he mocked.

"You sure that's how you want to play?" Shepard asked.

"Wouldn't have it any other way."

His hand was on her breast, caressing it, squeezing it, but avoiding the sensitive area.

"I'm waiting." he whispered.

"In your dreams, Vakarian." she fought back a moan, bringing up her leg and kneeing him in his abdomen. Hard enough to make him let go without hurting him too much. With her arms free, she scooted away from under him, taking advantage of his momentary disorientation. In a second more, she was above Garrus. "You talk a lot. I'm not very patient, you should know that."

"I'll keep that in mind." he responded, grabbed her legs, and pulled her down. She was on her back again with him above her. "Can't let that kick go unpunished."

Her hands were once again imprisoned.

"What will you do to me, Vakarian? Spank me?"

"Shut up and you'll find out."

Before Shepard could say more, his tongue was in her mouth, searching for hers. She more than happily obliged. The taste of apples and alcohol collided in an explosion of fireworks. It was her favorite. She sucked on it like a child would a lollipop, loving it, caressing it with her own. A small moan escaped her. She wanted more. Needed more. Needed him. Screw pride.

"Garrus, please..." she breathed into his mouth.

His breathing was heavy, matching her own, but he tried to control it. She could tell he wanted her just as much as she wanted him. These games were getting old.

"I want you.... now...." she managed.

"Not good enough, Shepard." he replied. "Plus, you're still half clothed. And we've only just started."

If he had lips, he would have had a wicked grin on, Shepard was sure of it. She was also sure that he was going to tease the shit out of her before letting her have what she wanted.

"Why don't you do me a favor and remove my clothes, then." she prompted.

"That would be too easy."

She knew what he meant and it made her blush a little. But she didn't mind. Her putting on a show for him meant that in the end, he always lost control first. Shepard reached down between her legs. Her wetness was soaking through.

She felt his claws hook around the waistline of her pants and gently pull them down. Her legs spread instinctively.

"Your scent is............... intoxicating.." he breathed, forcing her thighs to spread a little farther. Shepard's body shuddered, responded, arched towards him. He did not deny her. His tongue was skillful. He traced the inner of her thighs with it, painfully slowly progressing inward, eventually giving undivided attention to her clit. It felt amazing. She moaned. And the deeper he went, the louder she got. It wasn't enough though. She wanted more.

"More...." she managed hoarsely. Her hands were on his head, pushing him deeper, urging him on. Instead, he pulled away. "Don't...........stop.." Shepard almost pleaded. In response, Garrus only laughed, but it was strained, forced.

"I'm only getting you started. You'll have to finish the job yourself."

They both knew the game well.

"But I'll let you have a little help." He reached over to the night stand and pulled something out of the drawer. It glinted in the low night light and Shepard immediately recognized it. She thought she had hidden it pretty well, but apparently not.

"How did you -?" she asked hotly.

"You left it in the shower not too long ago."

Shepard felt her face turn red and she was sure as hell glad it was too dark to see well. Leaving her vibrator in the shower was not her intention but she remembered now why she had forgotten it there. The memory made her face burn even more. She had hoped that he hadn't seen it, but she was wrong, obviously.

There was a small click as Garrus flipped the tiny switch on and the vibrator sprang to life, filling the room with its soft whirr. Shepard sensed a moment of hesitation from him, hoping that maybe he'll change his mind and put it away. But his hesitation was fleeting and with "Let's see how you handle this." he slipped the vibrator into her.

It sent a huge wave of pleasure through her body, making her unable to move. But still not enough. She began to slide it in and out in slow rhythm, building up the pressure, the need. In. Out. In. Out. Over and over again. Faster. Faster. She couldn't suppress the moans any more and they escaped her on hot breath. In her rising heat, she noticed Garrus watching her, his eyes focused on her hand, his own on his member. Shepard managed a smirk.

"Ready to -huff- give up yet?" she panted.

He met her misty gaze.

"Not even close."

With her free hand, Shepard caressed her breast, tugging at her nipple. She was dripping onto the sheets, she could feel but she was not going to give up. It was getting harder to focus, to think. Faster................faster. She could feel herself getting closer and closer to orgasm. Before she could provide release for her self, Garrus stopped her.

"Screw the game. You win, Shepard." he uttered, his self control gone. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her to him. In a matter of seconds, she was on all her fours, his one arm securely wrapped around her middle, his other was searching for an opening to fill. She felt the tip of his cock brush against her inner thigh, teasing her, sliding past her wet and wanting vagina, finally plunging into her ass. Momentary pain blinded her but was immediately replaces with immense pleasure. His thrusts were forceful, relentless. Guttural sounds escaped the both. His, deep and animalistic. Hers, drawn out, needy. He made things worse by sliding one of his fingers into her as well, going deeper, finding her G spot. It made her completely lose it.

"Oh... Fuck! Garrus!............Faster!" she pleaded, grabbing the headboard to push herself against him.

"Don't cum yet, Shepard. We're not done." he growled into her ear, barely containing himself.

She felt him pull out.

"No... don't stop..." she begged, her breathing heavy. She wanted release. If she held on any longer, she felt she would explode. Frantically, she searched for the vibrator. Finding it, Shepard switched it on and shoved it in. But Garrus pulled it out immediately.

"Wrong hole." he said. Without much effort, he flipped her onto her back and slipped the vibrator into her back side. "Hold that there for me, would you?" he breathed against her mouth.

"Garrus........ please..." she was on the verge of sobbing. He obeyed her and she felt his pulsating member slide into her, felt his chest vibrate with pleasure against her own. It was pure ecstasy. Better than any drug she had ever taken.

He thrust into her with conviction, his rhythm getting faster, his need overtaking rationality.

"You are - fucking incredible!" Shepard managed before her body was completely overtaken by wave after wave of orgasms. Garrus followed shortly afterward. She could feel his hot, sticky fluid spilling inside her then his body slumped over hers in exhaustion.

"You smell amazing after sex." Garrus whispered.

"Pervert..." was all Shepard could manage. But she smiled. They lay there for a few more minutes before he finally pulled out with a sharp intake of breath. Shepard could only imagine what they looked like at that moment. Probably a sweaty mess.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you." he murmured softly before wrapping his arms around her and drifting off to sleep.


	5. Dead and Back

Shepard was suddenly woken to sounds of crashing, gunfire, and "I am Krogan!" Still hazy from earlier, she forced herself to regain alertness. Garrus was already half way across the room, pants on, assault rifle ready.

"Shepard, get to cover!" he ordered, moments before the door was kicked in from the outside. There wasn't enough time to react. Gunshots filled the room, completely disorienting Shepard. It was loud and confusing in such a tiny space and it didn't take long for a bullet to find its way into her naked body. Suddenly, everything was silent. Through a bloody haze, she saw Garrus rushing towards her, his eyes filled with fear and anger and Grunt bull rushing through the last standing batarian who had a smug grin on his face. She felt no pain, only shock. The room began to swim, darkening at the edges. It was almost like being drunk, minus the alcohol. More than anything, it made Shepard pissed. How could she, of all people, die by a batarian's hand? Her body slumped to the ground. She could smell blood, her own, distinct taste of iron in her mouth. Garrus was there, saying things, she couldn't hear what, his mouth was moving with no sound. Did someone press mute on her life? Things were blurring, fast. Everything was tinted red. For a second, she wondered what it would be like if her vision was always like that, but not for long. She felt herself quickly slipping away. What a crap way to die.

"..........fuck.." she managed before completely succumbing to darkness.

Shepard regained consciousness to smells of antiseptic and sterilization. Omega's infirmary? She tried to move, but couldn't. Her body refused to respond to her commands. In fact, she couldn't even feel her body. It was all dead weight. Fear settled into her mind. Total body paralysis was not on her list of things to experience. Next to her, a machine began to beep, louder and faster. Listening to it, she realized it was matching her heart beat. In a second, a human in a white lab coat was upon her, checking wires, tubes, her, and anything else attached to her.

"Which idiot gave her the sedative?!" she vaguely heard through the commotion. "We need more!"

Needles punctured through her skin, but she didn't feel them. Darkness was returning and Shepard welcomed it. Maybe she wasn't dead after all.

Next time she woke up was to someone's steady breathing. When she fully opened her eyes, everything was still fuzzy. But her surrounding was unmistakeable. The faint blue glow of the fish tank illuminated her room, making it appear, along with the blurriness of her vision, underwater. She was back on the Normandy. How, she didn't know.

There was a faint throbbing in her lower right abdomen, but Shepard didn't mind. It meant that her body was not paralyzed. She tried to wiggle her toes. To her relief, they responded. So did her knees, then her legs entirely. Her whole body was fully functional. Still sluggish, but responsive nonetheless. She tried to get up, but bending over hurt. Pain felt good, though so she struggled through it and finally stood up on her feet. Garrus was still asleep on the bed and Shepard was not about to wake him up considering he has probably not slept for a while.

Carefully guiding herself along the walls, Shepard managed to get to the door. They slid open, momentarily blinding her with the hall light. She squinted, trying to figure out which way the elevator was. It was way too bright. Stumbling over the hems of what appeared to be sweat pants, Shepard managed to find her way. The elevator doors hissed open and she was greeted by an electronic voice.

"Welcome back, Commander Shepard." EDI piped up. The artificial intonations rang in Shepard's ears, seeming more loud than they actually were.

"Just... get me to the command deck." she dismissed the AI.

"Certainly, Commander. How are you feeling?"

She was beginning to get really irritated. The lights, the AI, and she also realized that her feet were cold.

"EDI, shut up." she ordered. Even her own voice was raspy and annoying. The elevator came to a halt and she shuffled out onto the deserted command deck. It was almost eerie being back here. Everything was so familiar, yet so distant. It has been at least a year since she was last on the Normandy. She steadied herself against the wall. Joker was just down the hall and she wanted to talk to him. At least she hoped it was still Joker. Shepard needed to know what was going on and Joker was a trusted source. Unless Cerberus won him over in which case she was screwed.

She walked over to the cockpit, her feet becoming numb with the cold with each step. And the coldness was spreading. Shepard shivered slightly.

"Commander! You're alive! Again." Joker greeted her brightly, swiveling to face her. Then, suddenly turning red in the face, swiveled back around. "Uh... Commander? You might, uh, want to put another shirt on."

Confused, Shepard looked down at her shirt for the first time. It was white, a very thin white. And nearly see through. On top of that, she was cold so her nipples were erect.

"Sorry." she apologized. "I just woke up. On the Normandy. After being shot."

Joker, sensing her ire, took off his own jacket and tossed it at her.

"Sorry, just pointing out the, uh, never mind. So, back to you being alive! What's been going on? Everyone thought you died. Not that it's a problem for you, I assume."

"I was going to ask you the same. How did I end up _here_ again?"

"Do you want the long version or the short version?"

"Just tell me, Joker."

"Alright, alright. I was running some errands for the Alliance. Yes, they took me back, were more than happy to with all the upgrades the Normandy received. Not to mention all the possible intel on Cerberus! They welcomed me back with open arms. But, back to you. I was running some errands when I got a call from Garrus. Who, by the way, I thought was dead as well. He yelled some stuff, then talked too fast, then finally told me that you got shot and needed the Normandy's med bay in order to fully restore you."

"Wait, you're with the Alliance again?" Shepard interrupted him, just as suspicious as she would have been had he joined Cerberus.

"You know me, Commander. I love flying into impossible situations, dodging random debris while being attacked by an unknown enemy with far superior fire power."

She raised an eye brow at him followed by a moment of silence.

"You're right. My life since you dumped me has been incredibly boring." Joker conceded. "After being chased around for a bit by Cerberus, they gave up upon finding out that you're no longer with me. Then I got an offer from Anderson. Couldn't refuse. I mean, what's a pilot with Vrolik's supposed to do with a first class warship. By himself. So, until now, I was with the Alliance."

"Until now?" she asked, skeptically.

"Well, I did technically just steal a warship from the Alliance, so yeah, I don't think I'll be going back any time soon."

"Glad to see you still care, Joker."

"Despite the fact that you were-" he cautiously looked at her before proceeding.

"That I were what?"

"Well, that you were a bitch."

Shepard laughed. What an understatement of the century.

"Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Please don't throw me out the nearest airlock!"

"Relax, Joker. I appreciate your honesty."

"Wow, I guess being dead twice changes you."

"Don't push it." she warned him.

"Ok, ok, sorry. But yeah, I did miss you. Now, back to my question. What have _you_ been doing?"

Shepard thought for a minute before answering. What she had done was rather questionable, not that she cared. But she didn't feel like getting into it with Joker at the moment.

"Need to know basis, Joker."

"Alright. Fine by me." He swiveled back to face his controls. "Need anything else, Commander?"

She didn't.

"Thanks for the jacket."

"As long as I get it back eventually. Gets rather chilly up here sometimes."

Shepard smiled. It wasn't so bad being back. She had to admit, she was starting to miss the old times. She understood now that it was the element of danger to the entire galaxy that she was missing on Omega. Something about facing total annihilation was really rather exciting. She was about walk back to the elevator when Joker stopped her.

"By the way, Garrus mentioned something about a bounty. You might want to ask him. Just ...sayin'."

Bounty? On her head? She supposed it was only natural after what she had done. And Grunt did mention something about her killing someone important.

"Nothing I can't handle." She replied and walked away. Since Garrus was still probably asleep, she decided to pay a visit to Grunt.


	6. A Blast to the Past

When she found the Port Cargo bay empty, it occurred to Shepard that perhaps she should have asked of Grunts whereabouts from Joker. Walking all around the ship barefoot was probably not the best idea. She cursed silently under her breath.

"EDI, get Grunt down here, will you?" she barked at the AI.

"Grunt is not on the ship, Commander." EDI informed her.

"Well, where the hell is he?" Shepard demanded.

"He has been dropped off on Tuchunka where it is believed to be safest for him."

Shepard was confused. Grunt would never have agreed to that. He wasn't one to seek safety in times of danger. Something wasn't adding up.

"What's going on, EDI? Patch me to Joker. Now."

After a moment's pause, Joker's voice rang through the comm system.

"Commander! Miss me already?"

"Joker? What the hell's going on? Why is Grunt not on my ship?"

"Krogan tend to stand out a little too much among us tiny humans."

"Just get to the point, Joker."

"Alright, sorry! No krogan allowed on Earth, so had to drop him off."

Earth? Why the hell were they going to Earth?

"Garrus thought it might be best to hide you among billions of other humans. Not a bad idea if I say so my self. But I have to ask, what did you do, Commander? I mean, you must have pissed of someone major!"

"Joker."

"Right, right. Need to know basis. Shutting up now."

As much as Shepard trusted Garrus, he had some explaining to do. Going back to Earth was just not a good idea. Too much happened there, too many unpleasant things. And she wasn't ready to face them, yet.

She exited the port cargo and proceeded to the elevator which opened before she could press the up button. Garrus was inside.

"Shepard. I was worried." he said, wrapping his arms around her. Shepard gently pushed him away, causing a slightly concerned look to come over his face.

"Garrus, please explain to me what is going on."

"You were shot, Shepard, and nearly killed! What was I supposed to do?" Despite her efforts, he brought her close to his chest, refusing to let go. "I can't lose you again."

They stood there, making the elevator door open and close until Garrus spoke again.

"I chose Earth because it's most populated by humans. We'll wait out there until the threat passes. Whoever sent those mercs to kill you will not stop at that. I thought you'd be ok with this."

His body was incredibly warm. Standing there like this made it ok. Perhaps she could use this opportunity to put her past behind her.

"ETA about forty five minutes." Joker announced.

"I'll need some time alone, Garrus." Shepard said, unwillingly breaking away.

"I understand, Shepard. I will meet you by the shuttle when you're ready."

Back in her room, Shepard turned on the lights. Everything was cleaned up, even her N7 helmet was gone. She hated to admit but she kind of missed the damn thing. Wrapping the jacket closer around herself, she sat on the bed. It was probably a good idea to put on some better clothes. But Shepard didn't want to move. Her side still throbbed and she lifted the shirt up to check it out. A patch was stuck there. She wanted to peal it off but decided not to. The prospect of going back to her birth place was not all that thrilling.

Sitting there, Shepard realized that she hadn't taken a shower in days. Looking at the clock, she quickly stripped and hopped in the bathroom. The hot water felt good against her skin so she stood there, letting it run over her, letting it wash away everything. Closing her eyes, she imagined what her home would look like now. Would it still be there? How would she feel when she saw it?

There was a knock on her door.

"It's me." Garrus called out. "I brought a change of clothes for you."

Shepard didn't reply. She wished she had more time. Her hands ran over her face, searching for the familiar scars. They weren't there any more. She vaguely remembered getting the med bay upgrade to try it out but never got around to it. Garrus must have done it for her when they were fixing her up. She stepped out of the shower and wiped the fog off the mirror. It was strange looking at herself. She was still as pale as a sheet, but her skin was clear. Smooth. Her eyes were striking, too. She had forgotten that they used to be a deep shade of blue.

She ran her fingers through her wet hair and sighed. Nothing was ever simple, nor will it ever be. Wrapping a towel securely around herself, she exited the bathroom. Garrus was gone, but he left the clothes on her desk. A black shirt accompanied by a pair of slacks and a red leather jacket. All in her size. Under those, she found a clean pair of underwear and a bra. He must have gone shopping before they boarded the Normandy. It pained Shepard knowing how much he cared for her. But it also made her smile. He was a true friend.

Down by the shuttle, Garrus was already waiting for her. He smiled when he saw her.

"You look...... fantastic." he complimented.

Shepard subconsciously touched her face.

"Thanks, I assume, to you." she replied.

He noticed her action and cringed a little.

"I'm sorry, I thought it would be best."

"Relax, I don't mind. I've just forgotten what I used to look like. It's like being the old Commander Shepard again. Thanks for the clothes."

"You ready?" he only asked.

No, she wasn't ready. But no sense in standing around.

"Take us down."

* * *

"It's so strange being back here." she mused out loud as the shuttle entered the atmosphere.

"I've never been here." Garrus replied.

"You haven't missed much. Aside from the main city, everything else is populated by low lives and criminals. Trust me, I know."

Garrus cocked his head to the side, questioning.

"You never mentioned your past."

"Because there is nothing to say. I was just your average kid, trying to make ends meet."

"Where were your parents?"

Never home. They abandoned her. They hated her. They left her on the streets when she was only three. There were a million ways of answering that question. None were good. Garrus, taking the hint, did not pursue the subject. They didn't speak again until the shuttle landed.

The door opened and Shepard was greeted by a familiar stench of the outskirts. The city glowed in the distance, sky scrapers mile high reflecting sunlight in all directions. She remembered visiting it only once in her life. When she was arrested and taken in for questioning. That was the day she got recruited into the military. She was only seventeen.

"Where to?" Garrus asked behind her, making her jump. She had forgotten for a moment that he was there.

"I have no idea. I don't think going to the city is an option, though. Too many people."

Garrus nodded in agreement.

"Perhaps we could go where you used to live." he suggested cautiously, gauging her reaction.

Where she lived was the last place she ever wanted to go to. But it was probably the best place to be at this moment.

"It's pretty far from here." she replied. She didn't mind walking. She had done it many times as a kid. But injuries and exercise did not go well together.

"Back in the shuttle, then."

It took about twenty minutes for them to arrive at their destination. When they got out, she heard Garrus' sharp intake of breath. Everything looked as it did years ago when she lived here. Abandoned, broken down apartments littered the streets, walls covered in ivy and spray paint. The streets were broken up, overgrown with vegetation, and the whole area was completely deserted.

"Still looks the same." Shepard commented, more to herself.

"You _lived_ here?" Garrus asked.

"For seventeen years. It's not as bad as you think." Shepard continued to walk with Garrus following behind.

She lied. It was pretty bad. And being back here brought everything flooding to the surface. Anger, sadness, regret, and a lot of hate. Shepard wasn't paying attention where she was walking. Her feet just carried her, as if tracing an age old path. She was fifteen again, running around in nothing but underwear and a tank top.

Her feet carried her to the playground where she used to hang out with the Reds after a good raid. Most of it had fallen apart over the years but a few things remained intact. She was surprised that they hadn't bulldozed the place down yet.

The swings creaked in the breeze, rusty from rain and lack of care. Testing their strength, Shepard sat in one of them. The feel of the chain in her hands was so familiar it made her want to cry. But she fought back the tears.

"I used to beat up other kids for using this swing." she said, looking up at Garrus. He stood there, looking lost, no idea what to say. Shepard was okay with that. She didn't expect him to say anything. This was her past, anyway, and she was here to deal with it. Her feet pushed on the ground, making her swing. This was her favorite one. It always swung higher than the rest. It was the closest she had ever gotten to flying as a kid.

"My parents abandoned me when I was three." she suddenly blurted out. And immediately wished she hadn't. But the words kept coming out, like a flood. "They told me to wait by the train station while they got the tickets. I waited, but they never came back. I must have cried a river that day." Shepard tried to smile, but the tears were persistent. She quickly wiped them away and continued. "That night, I got picked up by Mona, the ring leader of the Reds. She was so kind to me. It was the most kindness anyone ever showed me. I was taken in with her, followed her like a dog. She taught me everything she knew, including the best way to kill someone."

"When you were three?" Garrus interrupted her, clearly shocked by her revelation.

"She was the only one who cared." Shepard shot back defensively, but regretting it immediately. She knew Garrus didn't mean to offend her. And she shouldn't be taking her anger out on him.

"I'm sorry." he apologized in her stead. She shook her head.

"To me, Mona was better than my mom. Mona never lied to me. Not until later, anyway. When I got older, I was able to track my parents. They had left Earth entirely. I grew to hate them. I wanted to kill them. In my eyes, they didn't deserve to live a wealthy live while their only child rotted in the streets, scavenging trashcans for food." Her tears flowed freely now and she made no attempt to stop them this time. "I hated them! I was twelve years old and I never wanted to kill someone that badly!" she said, looking up at Garrus. He walked over to her, stopped the swing, and knelt down before her, taking her hands in his. She looked at his hands, so big compared to hers, and it felt strange. Strange being here, with him, telling him everything.

"Hold me." she whispered. He pulled her to him without hesitation, wrapped her in his strong embrace, and held her. They stayed like that until Shepard was ready to move on.

For the rest of the day, she showed him all her regular locations. Where she slept, where she ate, where she did and sold drugs. He followed her patiently, listening to her every word, providing comfort when needed. Eventually, she grew tired, and as the sun began to set she suggested that they return to the shuttle and find a suitable place to spend the night.

"I just want to take one last look around, please. Alone." she asked. He nodded.

"Just be careful, Shepard. It's getting dark."

"Thank you."

She watched his retreating back until it disappeared in the closing darkness. There was only one last place she had not visited today and she didn't want to share it with Garrus, not yet. Apartment building #53. Her birth place.

The front door was completely gone now, leaving a gaping hole as the entrance. Shepard swallowed hard, unholstered her pistol, and walked in.


	7. Memories and Assassins

The fading sunlight cast long shadows through cracks and broken windows, giving the place an eerie and a dangerous feel. Shepard clutched the pistol closer to her chest, listening for any sound that would betray a potential predator. Having grown up among thieves and killers, she knew how and where to hide. This building was a particular favorite of the Reds. The idea of running into someone she knew in the past was not as exciting as one might think. She knew the Reds well and knew how they functioned. As kids, it was all fun and games. But once they got older, they became cautious, weary, and even suspicious of each other. Most group related deaths were caused by their own. You kept your friends close, your enemies closer, or you ended up dead in a ditch somewhere.

By the time Shepard reached the third floor the sun had completely set, enveloping everything in darkness. She switched on her visor, illuminating her face in pale blue, and as it hummed to live, it created a grid of the building for her. Configuring the settings to night vision, Shepard continued down the hallway. As she walked, the visor picked up random debris on the ground, labeling it for her. Concrete, can, steel bar, glass bottle, blood stain, gun. She stopped. Blood stain. Her brain flipped through memory flash cards, instantly pulling the one related to this blood stain.

A little boy. A little rich boy. He got lost, wandered his way into here, crying. Mommy, mommy. Piercing green eyes, blonde hair, small, weak body. Crying, crying, mommy. Her friends teasing him, pulling at his clothes, his hair. Calling him names. Crying harder, louder, stop it! She was annoyed with him so she punched him. He had nice clothes, she didn't. It wasn't fair. She hated that little boy. They pushed him around until the adults got back. Some didn't care, some cared, but not enough. Some even pushed him, too. Then they dragged him away, brought him here. The younger ones followed, her included. Laughing, clapping their hands. Get him! they shouted, get him! The adults tore his clothes off, played with him. But they were mean, cruel to him. When they finally got bored, they handed her a gun and said shoot him. She hated the little boy. Hated him because he had nice clothes, had money, and had food. But he also had a mommy. She didn't have a mommy. She pulled the trigger. Once. Twice. Three times. She kept pulling the trigger until nothing came out. The adults cheered her on and when the gun fell silent, they left. They left the little boy there and her. She was only nine. Him? No one cared.

A little boy gone missing. His blood soaking through wooden panels in the floor. He had a mommy and she didn't. And now he was dead and his mommy can't have him. He can't have his mommy either. But the smell of blood. So much of it. Spreading, reaching out for her. She was scared. Scared of the little boy, scared of herself. She dropped the gun and ran. That night, she cried herself to sleep, and the night after. The adults never spoke of it to her again. She was only nine.

Shepard knelt down in front of the stain, her fingers reaching out for it. She almost touched it, but stopped herself. She couldn't bring herself to be any closer to that little boy than she already was. His was the only life she ever took away when she was a kid. After that, she became proficient in bringing her victims close to death, but never completely. She learned to prefer to cause pain over quick release. And that made her more dangerous, feared. Even by her own friends. But from that day, Shepard swore to herself to never take an innocent life again.

She picked up the gun next to the blood stain. It was a rusted old pistol, ancient by current standards. A child's toy when she was young. She took one last look at it, then threw it out the nearest window, putting as much force into her throw as she could.

"You poor bastard." she said to the stain. "Picked the wrong day to go wandering around, searching for your mommy."

Shepard wished she could burn the place down. Not like anyone would notice or care. It certainly deserved to be wiped off the face of the earth. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. Not this apartment, at least. She laughed silently to herself. And it wasn't a happy laugh. Sadistic, ironic, pathetic, depressed, yes. Happy? No. _Right choices my ass_. No one really knew her. The files were always wrong. Of course, she lied about her past. Saving the galaxy? Shepard couldn't care less. She just wanted to get rid of everything that reminded her of this god damned and forsaken place. Yet she still couldn't bring herself to tear down the root of her destruction and despair.

"You have more soul than you let on, Shepard." said a voice behind her, deep, vibrating, and uncomfortably familiar. Shepard drew her pistol and quickly turned around to face the voice. Her visor scanned the figure in front of her, line by line creating an image. But she already knew who it was. The visor beeped twice and provided her with the name. Thane Krios. Drell. Assassin. Well armed. Proceed with caution.

This was certainly unexpected and even more certainly unwelcome.

"I guess it was too much to hope that you died already. What are you doing here?" she asked him, guarded, her pistol still pointed at his chest.

"I'm here on an assignment." he replied rather too casually for Shepard's tastes.

"You mean for me." she corrected him. He nodded.

"Then why am I still alive?"

"Curious, isn't it? I can tell you."

"I don't have all night, Krios. Neither do you." she took a step forward, aiming her pistol between his eyes.

"I see we are at a predicament, then. I would kill you and you would do the same for me."

"I'll do it sooner if you don't start talking. Who sent you?"

"I only got a name and a location. Who sent me, I don't know."

"Lies."

"Trinity, Shepard? I had no idea it was you. I also didn't know you were religious."

He stood there in front of her, arms crossed, leaning against the wall.

"I'm not." she growled back. "Trinity means three. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't buy the God bullshit. And you haven't answered my question yet. Speak, or I start shooting."

He pushed himself off the wall, turning away from her and walking towards the window. The moon was starting to shine through.

"Don't-" Shepard barked "move!" Her pistol followed his steps when he chose to ignore her.

"I got the assignment not too long ago. The message was delivered while I was... away. All it gave me was Trinity and an apartment number. Fifty three, to be precise. I didn't know who or what to expect. So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that it was you." he paused to look at her, moonlight reflected in his large black eyes. Under any other circumstance and with another person, Shepard might have thought that to be pretty romantic, but she had a proverbial gun pointed at her, she herself was wielding one and the person before her was the subject of much ire.

"You still haven't answered me." she said, icily.

"Shepard, we worked together. If you were in my position, would _you_ have killed you?"

"Without hesitation."

"Then I see we are more different than I thought. Shepard, I am not an idiot. I know you dislike me. But I never took you for a killer." His eyes traveled to the blood stain on the floor.

"So then do the galaxy a favor and finish the job." Shepard gritted through her teeth.

"I would. But you see, I am curious as to why I should. You have given me numerous opportunities to complete my job, but you have not given me a reason."

"Why should I? Having no reason to kill never stopped you before. Why now?"

There was a long pause between them before he finally answered.

"Because I like you, Shepard."

She couldn't have heard that right. Because he liked her? It was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. She couldn't help herself. Laughter escaped her, forcing her to bend over and clutch her side, the wound still fresh.

"Wo- ouch- ow. Krios. Heh. Never took you for a compassionate assassin." Her side began to throb and she steadied herself against the wall, looking the drell straight in the eyes. His expression was dead serious.

"Not one for humor, are you." she commented, doubling over again, clutching her side.

"You've changed, Shepard." he said, a hint of forlornness in his tone.

"Well, yeah -ow- so have you. It would seem you've become softer and I've become -ah- harder." her side was really starting to bother her but she noticed the drell giving her a rather odd look. Then she realized that her last sentence didn't sound quite right. Somehow, it was starting not to matter though. Her side was really hurting now and her head was following suit. The drell seemed to notice.

"Are you alright?"

"Why the fuck -ugh- would you -shit!- care?" Her shirt felt wet to the touch and when she brought her hand into moonlight there was a dark stain on it. Shepard lifted the shirt up to discover that she had bled through the bandage. The stitching must have ruptured when she laughed. The irony of that amused her. The drell made her bleed without firing a single shot. She let out a string of curses. It was just her luck. The blood flowed more freely now and the headache was starting to blind her. She became unsteady on her feet, dropping on all fours to the ground.

"I -augh- guess you'll have - fuck - the job done..... after.................all."

The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was Thane's concerned face as he scooped her up off the floor and a blur of windows as he ran.


	8. Prisoner

It was light when Shepard finally opened her eyes. Light, dry, and ridiculously hot. She squinted through the window next to the bed she occupied. It was the most depressing view she had ever seen. There was absolutely nothing for miles all around except sand and more sand. She could see the heat coming off the dunes as the sun mercilessly beat upon them. Where she was, she had no idea. Passing out and waking up in strange places was becoming her forte. She covered her eyes with her hand and sighed. Then everything came rushing back.

The apartment, the blood stain, the little boy, the dress assassin. Shepard's body jerked awake and she swiftly sat up, her hand reaching for her side where her pistol should have been. She immediately regretted the action as pain shot through her entire body, forcing her back into a parallel position. On top of that, her pistol was missing. In fact, everything she owned was missing, down to her underwear.

"Mommy! Mommy! She's awake!" Shepard heard a girl's voice call out. She turned her head to the source of that voice. The door into the tiny room was cracked open and through the crack, she could see a pair of eyes, staring intently at her, brave and unrelenting.

"Nohalah, leave our guest alone, please." said a woman's voice, just as close. The door opened, revealing the pair of them. They were both drell. The girl was young and had a pair of the most intense eyes Shepard have ever looked into.

"You're not like us." Nohalah pointed out, hiding behind the woman's dress who was presumably her mother.

"Hush, child. Go outside and play." the woman ushered the girl out of the room. "I'm sorry, she gets very excited when we have visitors. Living out here, we don't get that many. Here, drink this." she said, handing her a cup. Shepard didn't take it. She didn't know these people and she sure as hell wasn't about to place her trust in them.

"It's not poisoned, I promise. It contains the medicine necessary for your recovery." the woman said, pointing at her abdomen. Shepard's hand reflexively went to her wound. It hurt. A lot.

"Where am I?" she asked the woman, tentatively sitting up and taking the cup. The liquid inside wasn't much of a liquid. It was more like watery slime. It didn't smell any better than it looked, either. She wrinkled her nose.

"You are in our house. My name is Kaliyah and that was my daughter, Nohalah. We have been taking care of you for the past couple of days."

Couple days? Shepard made a silent resolution to stop passing out.

"Interesting information, but it still doesn't answer my question. Where am I?"

The woman paused, as if to try and understand what she was asking, her head tipped to the side.

"The location." Shepard prompted.

A look of understanding finally dawned on Kaliyah's face.

"Oh! This is the Sahara desert."

"The Sahara desert?" Shepard was skeptical. And with good reason. No one ever, ever, survived living in the Sahara desert. This is where Earth's police force dropped criminals off to leave them to die. "The Sahara desert?" she asked again, just to make sure she heard correctly.

The woman appeared to be confused by her reaction.

"Yes. The desert located in the northern part of the African continent. The Sahara desert."

Shepard shrugged.

"Fine, I'll buy that. For now." she set the cup down on the ground, refusing the 'drink' its contents. "Where are my belongings?"

"I took the liberty of washing your clothing. As for your weapon and your visor, they are being kept in a safe place."

"I need them back. Now." Shepard ordered, forcing herself out of bed.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said a familiar voice. She cursed.

"You again. My life would be much easier if I stopped running into you."

"You would also be dead." Thane stated matter of factly.

"You know each other?" the woman asked, seeming rather surprised.

"We, ah, worked together." he replied, signifying that he was not going to divulge any more information than that. The woman did not pursue. "Please, Kaliyah, leave us." She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her. Shepard looked hard at the drell.

"Just because you are my host, don't expect me to be nice." she stated coldly. "To you or them."

"I don't care how you treat me, Shepard, but leave them be. They have shown you nothing but kindness." the tone of his voice matched her own.

"Where is Garrus?"

"You have no need to be concerned for him. He is back on the Normandy."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him that it would be best if you remained planet-side and undisturbed. He is a reasonable man."

"If me being undisturbed in for the best, then why are you here bothering me?"

"Because I wanted to talk to you."

"Go talk to someone else. I have no interest in listening to you."

Shepard laid back down and closed her eyes. She wished Garrus was here. Instead, she was stuck with the one person she despised most. From the moment she recruited him, he had been grating on her nerves. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was, but his very existence irritated her to no end. When Shepard opened her eyes, he was still there, sitting in a chair by the door.

"Are you always this annoying?" she asked him. The corner of his mouth turned upward in a half smile.

"Are you always this angry?"

"Only when it comes to you, Krios." Shepard replied tartly, turning away from him. His eyes were too all knowing for her comfort. "And quit staring. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

"As you wish."

They stayed silent for a while more until she heard him get up and leave. She felt tired all of a sudden. Drained. Despite the fact that she had been out for the past few days, Shepard felt like she needed to sleep. If she had a choice in the matter, she felt like she could sleep forever. Forget the Reapers, forget everything. She was sick of everyone relying on her. She heard chattering in the next room, happy and carefree. Sounds rising and falling. _Is this what being a family feels like?_ she wondered. But then putting the thought from her mind, she dismissed it as pathetic and useless. Attachments only led to despair in the future.

Shepard laid in bed for a while more and after hearing no more sounds from the next room, carefully got up. Outside, the sun was reaching for the horizon, but it was still hot. Taking a few steps to test out her strength, Shepard walked over to the door and slowly opened it, peeking through the crack. What appeared to be the kitchen was deserted. So was the living room that connected to it. She quickly scanned the area for wall safes and found only one. _Bingo_.

If she could get her hands on her visor, she could contact Garrus and have him pick her up. The safe was locked, but that's never stopped her before. She was a master hacker. The safe was easy to crack and it soon revealed its contents. Neither her pistol nor her visor were in it.

"I moved them."

Shepard whirled around to find Thane sitting on the couch, looking back at her, somewhat of a bemused expression on his face.

"Krios. I should have known."

"I thought you would, which is why I'm surprised you even tried."

She faced him, square on, arms crossed, hip to the side.

"Fuck you, Krios. Give me back my shit."

"You're not ready to leave yet."

"_I_ say when I'm ready to leave or not. Not you." she replied, getting irritated. "Unless you're saying I'm a prisoner?"

"If it must come to that, then yes, you _are_ my prisoner."

Shepard snorted.

"Sounds like a really bad porno."

"A what?"

"Never mind. Since I'm stuck here, I might as well take advantage of it. We can start by you answering a few questions for me. Tell me the real reason why you didn't kill me. Why you even went as far as saving me."

"I already told you, Shepard. Must you make me repeat myself?"

"Alright, fine, so you like me. Like is a pretty broad term, however. I could 'like' you and still kill you."

"No, you couldn't." he corrected her.

"And what makes you think that?"

"I've seen you in action. I have no doubt you will fire at me. Whether you would kill me is of entirely different matter."

"You presume to know me." Shepard said, raising an eye brow at him.

"I do not presume, Shepard. In my line of work, it was my business to know my targets. Over the years, I have perfected that skill." He paused. "However, I seem to have misread you." Thane finally concluded, looking into unknown distance.

"What about you? Thought you retired. Actually, no, I thought, or rather hoped, that you were dead. What gives?" Shepard asked him, bringing his eyes back to her face.

"I had retired, you were right. My intentions were to live out the rest of my breathing days in peace and solitude. Since I have always wished to visit a desert, I came here. Kaliyah found me aimlessly wandering around and took me in. I have been staying here ever since. I took the assignment to repay her for her kindness so that at least when I pass, she will have some credits to help her out."

"Except now you're not getting paid, are you." Shepard pointed out. "So, are you two fucking?"

Thane jumped up at the remark, a moment of fury crossing his face.

"Don't insult me, Shepard. I am not so low as to take advantage of a single mother. Kaliyah is a friend who had done me a kindness and I will not have you ruin her name."

Shepard took a step back, surprised by his reaction.

"Relax. I was just kidding. You and your honor, I swear, I'll never understand."

He sat back down, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Shepard. You seem to be the only person in the galaxy who is able to elicit anger out of me. Please, return to your room."

She looked at him. Why were men so damn hard to understand? She still couldn't figure out why he saved her. Like? What kind of an excuse was that?

"Shepard, please. I wish to meditate on my own." he urged, looking her straight in the eyes.

"Fine, fine, I'm leaving."

She went back into her tiny prison room and locked the door behind her.

* * *

**_A/N: I wanted to take a moment to thank you for reading this far, for sticking it out if you were here for thane, or for continued support for garrus or my messed up shepard. But I am compelled to ask that you please leave me some feed back. I am writing blind [which isn't such a bad thing] but your reviews help me make the story better. If you like it, let me know what you like about it and if you didn't like it, what can i change to make it better. Thanks again for your continued support!_**

**_-Keelah Selai  
_**


	9. Oasis

The heat was starting to drive Shepard crazy. So was being confined to a tiny space. She rarely opened the door for visitors and even more rarely ventured out. Her body was in a desperate need of a shower and she was certain there were things living in and under her bed. The house wasn't dirty. Far from it. Kaliyah was a fervent cleaner and often broke into the room to tidy it up, despite Shepard's protests. But she still felt dirty. She was glad for the lack of Thane, however. After their encounter a few days ago, he kept to himself, going out of his way to avoid her, which was absolutely fine by her. But it caused Kaliyah to give her disapproving looks. The only member of the household that seemed undeterred by Shepard's behavior was Nohalah. If anything, it made the child more curious about her. Shepard often caught the girl spying on her through the crack in the door whenever her mother was in the room, cleaning. Shepard could swear that her eyes were getting bigger and bigger everyday and someday would swallow her face whole. She told that to Nohalah one day and the girl didn't believe her. It wasn't possible she had protested, but still covered her eyes. Later, Shepard overheard her ask her mother if it was possible for her eyes to grow as large as her face. Her mother only laughed and told her that Shepard was only teasing her. Moments later, Nohalah was in her room, calling her a liar in as indignant a voice as a child could muster. It made Shepard laugh for the first time in ages.

But now, she was going crazy. She had to get out of here and there was only one person who could make that happen. Or so Shepard thought. It occurred to her recently that there had to be a town somewhere near by. They didn't grow their groceries, at least not all of them. And where there was a town, there were people and communication stations which would suit her as well as her visor. She just had to figure out a way to get that information out of someone. She took her first opportunity when Kaliyah entered her room to clean.

"Must get lonely out here all by yourself." Shepard commented, starting the conversation as casually as possible. Kaliyah shrugged.

"It's not so bad once you get used to it. Plus, I do have company. I have my daughter and I have Thane. That is enough for me."

"You must have friends, though."

There was a slight hesitation in Kaliyah's movements at the mention of friends, but it was fleeting and she soon resumed her cleaning.

"They have either passed or have chosen to stay on Kahje."

"I see." was all Shepard could say. It was clear from Kaliyah's tone that she did not wish to discuss personal matters and Shepard wasn't going to press her. If she wanted to get the information she needed, it was important to make Kaliyah her friend. She decide to go with a more domestic approach.

"Is there any way I could take a shower tonight?"

The drell woman paused, a quizzical expression on her face.

"A shower?"

"Yes. I wish to clean myself up a bit." Shepard replied, pulling the dirty tunic away from her skin.

"Oh. We - don't have a bath. Drell skin naturally stays clean. Our bodies do not produce sweat."

_Great...._ she thought, _no bath, no shower_. As though sensing her disappointment, Kaliyah added "I'm sorry, sometimes I forget you are not drell."

"It's fine. You must get water from somewhere. I can work something out with a bucket and some soap."

"There is an oasis a walking distance from here."

An oasis? Why in hell did they choose to build a house _here_, then? It was puzzling, but Shepard didn't question it.

"Any way I could run into town and pick up some soap?"

"There are a couple bars in the pantry you can use."

_Damn it, this woman's got everything covered_. But Shepard couldn't argue. She didn't want Kaliyah to get suspicious as she was certain Thane ordered her not to disclose the town's location. Perhaps next time, she could use Nohalah's curiosity to her advantage.

The opportunity was given to her when Nohalah was ordered to take her to the oasis the next morning. Even though it was within walking distance, apparently Kaliyah believed that Shepard would get lost.

"How do you know where you're going?" Shepard asked Nohalah who was confidently striding through similar looking dunes. She looked back and grinned proudly.

"Landmarks!" she said. "When you've walked a certain way many times, the land takes different shapes. I can tell the difference between each hill!"

Shepard was impressed. The girl was smart. Perhaps as smart as she was when she was a child.

"That's pretty impressive."

"Thanks!"

Nohalah seemed really happy about the compliment.

"So, are you happy living here?" Shepard asked, keeping the conversation going.

"Yeah! Mom always told me that where she came from is all wet and foggy. It doesn't sound nice. I like the sun! And playing in the sand is fun, too!" she laughed, picking up a fistful of sand and throwing it in the air then hastily running away to prevent it from falling in her face. The breezed blew the stray grains in Shepard's direction and she covered her eyes.

"You like Earth, then?"

"Of course!"

"I was born here, you know."

That seemed to excite Nohalah as she turned around and ran toward Shepard, grabbing her hand and tugging on it.

"You were? Really? Were you born in a desert, too??"

The action surprised Shepard and her hand reflexively tried to pull away. But Nohalah's grip was surprisingly strong for a child. Her touch also felt cool against her skin. She looked down at her, into her inquisitive and eager eyes. The girl seemed so innocent, so pure. So unlike herself.

"No, I was born in a big city." she finally replied.

"Really? What's it like? I've never been to one!"

Shepard thought for a moment.

"Well, you know, if you tell me how to get to town, I'll take you one day. How does that sound?"

Nohalah was genuinely excited.

"You would do that? But.... Uncle Thane told me not to tell you." a frown crossed her face, her eyebrows knitted together. "And I promised him I wouldn't." Her tiny face was riddled with concentration.

"If I tell you, promise me you won't tell Uncle Thane! I want to see a city!"

"Cross my heart and hope to die." Shepard smiled, making a cross over her heart. Nohalah, copying the action, inquired what it meant.

"It means that if I break the promise, I will die."

"Whoa! That's a serious promise!" her eyes grew as wide as her incredulity.

"Oh! I think your eyes just grew another inch!" Shepard teased.

"No, they didn't!!" Nohalah protested, squinting her eyes as if to force them to shrink. They both laughed. The laughter felt almost alien to her, but it also felt good. Carefree. Shepard wasn't a hero here, she was simply... her.

"What is your name?" the girl asked her suddenly, making Shepard stop in her tracks. She had not shared her identity with the family and, apparently, neither did Thane. With good purpose, of course. Word traveled fast.

"You can call me... Jane!"

"That's a strange name! I'll give you a better one. Hmm." Her eyebrows knitted together again, making her look impossibly cute. "I will call you...Nie'vu. It's a word that means 'friend' in our native language." she smiled brightly up at Shepard.

"Friend, huh? Okay, I like it. From now on, I shall be known as Nie'vu."

Nohalah smiled again and pulling her hand, they continued on toward the oasis.

* * *

**A/N: A brief look into Shepard's possible other side. Let me know what you think!**


	10. Trap

**A/N: Some action here. Sorry it took a while to write. Got into playing mass effect again. Not used to writing action scenes, either. Let me know what you think!**

* * *

That night, Shepard lay in bed, considering her options. She really needed to contact Garrus, but on the other hand, a part of her felt guilty for leaving Nohalah behind, particularly after making the promise of all promises. And Shepard wasn't one to break those. She had her priorities, however, and Garrus was at the very top of the list. She'll just have to remember to return in the future to fulfill her promise.

Quietly slipping into her original attire, Shepard made sure the food she saved up was still where she had hid it. Making the long trek into town without it would not be fun. It would not be wise, either. Earlier in the day, she made sure to fill a couple canteens with water and packed the extra tunic. It got cold in the deserts at night, that much she learned as a kid on her runs with the Reds. With everything packed and ready, Shepard jumped out the window and headed west.

The night was cool and the air felt good against her burnt skin. It would take her at least six or seven hours to make it to town by foot so Shepard decided to jog. Jogging was more natural to her than walking, anyway. At least at this rate, she would get there an hour or two earlier. And the sooner, the better.

The sun was already starting to rise by the time Shepard was able to sight the town. This was better than she had hoped and she picked up her pace. For an early morning, the place was busy. She wrapped a shawl around her head to hide her face and strode in through the main gate. Figuring the best place to start would be at the bar, Shepard asked a local for directions.

"Personally, lady, I wouldn't go there!" the local exclaimed. "The place's overrun by damn turians and them other green aliens. Think they can run the place..." he mumbled as he tripped over his own feet, clearly drunk. Sensing it to be the local sentiment, Shepard nodded.

The bar was nowhere near as overrun by aliens as the drunk had said. It was, in fact, nearly void of any life. And whoever was there, was human. She strode over to the bartender, signaling for a drink. The first gulp burned down her throat and Shepard realized she hadn't drank in a while. The liquor was sweet and she asked for another.

"Not a local, are ya." pointed out the bartender, filling up her glass.

"You seem to know a lot." Shepard responded, knowing that contradicting that statement would be counterproductive.

"Live here for a few hundred years and you will too. What brings you to this wasteland?"

"On business." she replied.

"Yeah, that's what everyone says. They don't usually live long."

"I don't intend to stay."

"Shame. I could use intelligent company. The only other smart person around here is a drell who comes in every now and then."

"Wouldn't know him.... her. Got a working communication relay here?"

"Yeah, sure, one by the restrooms."

The asari bartender gave her an odd look but Shepard ignored her, thanked her for the drink, and headed toward the restrooms. She was glad that the bar was nearly deserted. It made her task that much easier. She powered up her omni-tool and turned on the communication relay. It didn't take her long to hack it and within minutes she created a secure channel to connect to the Normandy.

"Comm...er? Is tha.....ou?" Joker's voice rang through the speaker, broken up by static.

"Joker, I'm sending the coordinates of my location. Get Garrus down here. Now!" she barked, not willing to risk wasting time. The more time she spent talking, the more time she gave others to hack into her channel.

"...ot it! .... er out."

All she could do now was wait. Shepard wasn't very good at waiting, though. Her patience was limited. To pass the time quicker, she went back to the bar.

"Did you get what you needed?" the asari asked her.

"You could say that." was all Shepard said and ordered another drink. The asari did not ask any more questions after that as more and more people started to come in. Shepard wrapped the shawl more tightly around her self, keeping her head down. It was a while before she felt a small tap on her shoulder. Assuming the worst, Shepard automatically reached for her pistol, only to remember that it wasn't there.

"Looking for this?"

She swiftly turned around to find Garrus standing behind her, holding her heavy pistol. Relief washed over her.

"What took you so long?"

"Oh, you know, I couldn't decide which gun you would have preferred to use getting us out of here." he chuckled. "EDI found seven other frequencies tuned into your channel. So, I propose we get the hell out of here first and I'll ask questions later."

Shepard didn't need to be told twice. Seven different frequencies meant at least ten people per frequency which meant they were facing at least seventy mercenaries. And that was _if_ they were lucky. In situations like this, they were rarely lucky.

"Should have brought my SMG." Shepard joked. "But then, you know me, I like impossible odds." Garrus laughed at her remark, but she heard tension in his laughter. Rightfully so because moments later, the doors to the bar closed and they found themselves face to face with heavily equipped and armed mercs.

"Any last wishes, Shepard?" Garrus asked jokingly, turning his back against hers.

"Just one. Hey, wait..."

"What?"

"You didn't see a gunship out there, did you?"

"No, I didn't."

"Oh, good. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble."*

"Shepard!" rang a voice above her. "Didn't think you could hide from me forever, did you?"

She turned around and looked up to try and find the source of the voice. It was unfamiliar.

"If you know me so well, then you should know that pissing me off is not healthy for you!" she shot back. _Keep him talking_, she told herself. There was laughter, all around her, mocking her. It was irritating.

"Threatening me will not work. I know more than you think I do."

"Enough playing games! If you're so brave, show yourself, you son of a bitch!"

There was a momentary silence before the crowd suddenly parted to reveal a small figure, covered from head to toe in tattoos.

"Jack...?" Shepard heard Garrus's surprise behind her, reflecting her own. A breathing mask covered Jack's mouth, distorting her voice. Which explained why Shepard was unable to recognize it.

"Surprised, Vakarian?" Jack laughed menacingly. This was definitely _not_ anticipated.

"You don't have to do this, Jack." Shepard said as calmly as she could when in reality she wanted to tear the bitch to shreds with her bare hands.

"There you go again, Shepard. See? This is why I never liked you. You and your self righteous attitude. You were a real pain in the ass to work with, know that?"

"So now, instead, you work with third rate criminals."

"I don't work with anyone!" Jack spat. "These idiots are just here for the same job as me."

"Sure doesn't look that way." Shepard replied, keeping her cool. "Seems like you've sunk pretty low, Jack."

"Insult me all you want. You'll be dead by the end of this conversation anyway!"

The first shot rang from Jack's pistol, narrowly missing Shepard's head. She turned over the nearest table and ducked behind its cover, Garrus right next to her.

"What's the plan, Commander?" he asked, anger dripping from his voice like venom.

"Only one." she replied. "Stay alive or I'll kill you myself in afterlife."

They were cornered, she knew it, but it proved to be an advantage. It left their backs protected. She blindly fired a couple shots over the edge.

"Hope you brought a ton of ammo..." Shepard exclaimed over the gunshots, interrupted occasionally by screams of pain. Shots from his assault rifle tore through the air.

"Not enough." he replied, reloading. "But, I'm sure we'll think of something." Garrus added, rather cheerfully.

"Glad you're on my side." Shepard playfully cocked an eyebrow at him. He smiled in return.

"Just like old times."

Employing tech armor, Shepard stood up and fired a round of successive shots, each one landing perfectly between a pair of eyes.

"Nice shots." Garrus complimented when she ducked back down. Despite his bravado, however, Shepard knew they weren't going to be able to hold this position forever. Not with their limited ammunition.

"I say we try to make a break for the door. Take as many as we can out now and the rest outside."

"I don't doubt your judgment, but Shepard, that is not a good idea." he shot a few more rounds over the table's edge.

"Alright, then. I'll freeze some fuckers and then you blow the crap out of them."

Shepard sent a wave of cryo blast, freezing a few targets on instant, while Garrus's well placed shots completely shattered them.

"Is it me or is Jack being a little too quiet and non participatory?" she stated more than asked.

"Maybe she's saving the best for last. She must know the mercs can't last long against us."

And it was true. The mercs were dropping like flies, some by their own gunfire. The bar was in absolute chaos. For a brief moment Shepard wondered what happened to the asari. But it was more than likely that she had been killed. What a sad end. Hundreds of years serving in a crappy bar, then die in crossfire. She sent another volley of shots over the table, taking down two more mercs.

"Idiots!!" she heard Jack's voice when there were only few remained. "Can't do anything fucking right! I'll kill you myself!"

There was a lot of noise and then suddenly, gunfire seized.

"Enough play time, Shepard! Get out here and face me! One on one!"

Shepard looked at Garrus who had the 'don't do it' look on his face. She shook her head and stood up. It happened so fast she didn't even have time to react. Both her and Garrus were slammed against the wall as Jack sent a shockwave in their direction. Lights popped in her eyes as her head violently hit the metal panes. It took Shepard a moment to regain her composure and she unsteadily got back on her feet, thoroughly pissed off.

"You'll pay for this, bitch." she managed, throwing Jack off her feet and sending her flying through the tables, firing the pistol after her for good measure. Her head hurt and as Shepard stumbled, her hand went to the back of her head. When she brought it back, there was red on it. Her footsteps faltered, again. The bar was beginning to spin.

".....Shit...."

She watched as Jack emerged from the rubble, seemingly unhurt. But her footsteps were uneven as well.

"I can do this all day." Jack spat, throwing the tables out of her way. "You and me, Shepard. All. Fucking. Day. And I will enjoy it, too."

"Well, lucky you. Unfortunately, however, I've got shit to do, so hurry and and die!" Shepard yelled, sending Jack once again flying across the bar, followed by a volley of shots. Behind her, she heard Garrus stir. He had lost consciousness from the impact. But as soon as he was up, he was right beside her.

"High power shot her ass, Garrus." Shepard ordered. The concussive shot ripped through the air, momentarily deafening Shepard. She couldn't see straight and she couldn't hear. By the time she regained her senses the bar had become silent except for heavy breathing coming from Garrus and Jack. Shepard cautiously walked over to where Jack was laying, her small hands clutching at her waist, blood pouring through her fingers.

"Why did you do it?" Shepard asked, kneeling down beside her.

"Because I fucking hated you, Shepard." Jack gritted in response. Her words were forced as her body was fighting to keep the last bits of energy. And before Shepard could apply medi gel, her body went limp.

"Shame." Garrus said behind her. "I was just starting to like her."

"Come on, let's get out of here."

"Right behind you, Commander."

* * *

_*** REFERENCE TO BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID**_


	11. Invitation

Shepard stared into her coffee mug for a while before finally replying.

"So, he lied."

"It would seem that way, Shepard." Garrus said, taking the data pad from her hands. She trusted Garrus already, but he presented her with irrefutable evidence. Krios lied to her and she believed him. He did contact Garrus, but never told him who he was or where she was. Clever bastard even made it untraceable.

"Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have trusted him." she said, her fist hitting the table.

"You had no way of knowing."

"All the same, I shouldn't have trusted so easily."

He reached over the table and placed his hand over hers.

"I'm just glad you're alive, Shepard." he smiled in his turian way.

"Yeah. Let's not do that again."

"Agreed."

That night, when she was alone in her quarters, she thought of Nohalah. The image of the wide eyed girl passed through her mind. Shepard shook her head to get rid of it. It was starting to bother her how much the girl had grown on her. Maybe it was the stupid nickname. Why did she have to give her one, anyway?

"Commander, you have two new messages waiting at your private terminal." EDI's voice piped up through the intercom. _Probably Grunt_, Shepard thought. Who else would be trying to reach her? Or know how?

"Thanks' EDI, I'll check them later." she replied. Her eyes were heavy and her head still hurt a little after being smashed into a wall. She was just tired all around. Luckily, her wound had healed enough not to rupture during the earlier skirmish.

"One is labeled as important." EDI persisted. At the moment, nothing was more important to Shepard than sleep. But she dragged herself out of bed and walked over to the terminal. Yawning, she switched on the screen and opened her inbox. As EDI had said, she had two new messages, one labeled IMPORTANT. Both were from unknown senders. She opened the non urgent one. Through blurry and tired eye sight, she managed to read it.

_Don't think you can get away with this, Shepard. Can't kill me that easily._

_See you around the galaxy!_

_Jack_

Well, it had to be expected. The woman was a fucking tank. Shepard chuckled to herself, remembering their first meeting. Jack had literally tore a hole right through a YMIR mech without so much as a blink. She was a powerhouse of biotic strength. Closing Jack's message, Shepard opened the second one.

_Need to discuss something very important with you._

_Meet me at Flux tomorrow noon._

There was no name attached to the message.

"EDI, can you trace this?" she asked the AI.

"One moment, Commander."

After a few beeps and whirrs, EDI came with a reply.

"The message originates from the Citadel. But that is all I can tell you."

"Thanks, EDI."

It was likely Kaidan. They haven't seen each other since their run in at Horizon and Shepard took great care that it stayed that way. But she supposed it was probably time that she met up with him and set things straight if needed be.

"Tell Joker to set course for the Citadel."

"Yes, Commander."

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Shepard?" Garrus voiced behind her. She turned around to see him facing her, leaning against the door frame.

"Garrus! I didn't hear you come in."

"Probably because you're tired. I can see it in your eyes. Who was the message from?"

Shepard yawned.

"Oh, Kaidan. Wants to talk, or something. I don't know." she mumbled, stretching. "Join me in bed?"

"Sure."

Shepard walked back over to the bed, vaguely aware of Garrus behind her, stripped herself down to her underwear and bra, and collapsed. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out.

When she woke up, Garrus was still next to her, asleep, his arm draped over her waist. She moved it as gently as she could without waking him. After a quick shower, she went down to the third level to grab something to eat before going down to the shuttle bay. Going down alone was not the best idea considering what happened on earth, but Shepard figured Flux was probably much safer than the bar from yesterday. Plus, if anyone started a fight, C-Sec would be on their asses in no time.

"Joker," she said over the intercom, "I'm taking the shuttle down. Stay in orbit but out of detection range. No need to let every one know we're here."

"Aye aye, Captain."

Shepard hopped in the shuttle and took off.

Getting through C-Sec security was not a problem as she had forged a new ID while living on Omega. Not being noticed was slightly more difficult. It has been over a year since she was last here. But saving a galaxy from a certain doom, well, her image was everywhere. She was certainly less red eyed now and she had gotten a haircut recently, but that didn't stop a salarian from asking her if she was Commander Shepard. To which she had to insist that she was not and that he was definitely mistaken. She didn't know whether he believed her or not.

Getting to Flux wasn't that difficult, however. It was packed inside when she got there. People on the dance floor, people at the Quasar stations, people at the bar. It was loud, too. The music mixed with the chattering, making for a very good atmosphere to stay undetected. Shepard found an empty seat with a view of the door and sat down. She was early so she ordered a drink to pass the time. Everything was just as she remembered it. The music was terrible and the alcohol cheap. But it was better than Chora's Den. She took another swig, looking around. Everyone was so blissfully unaware. The Reapers were coming and no one seemed to have a care in the world. Not that she cared herself. Shepard had given up being the hero. She had saved the galaxy. Twice. All she got in return was everyone denying the threat and calling her crazy. She had seen the vids on the extranet of her making ridiculously wild assumptions while flailing her arms around. They amused her to a degree, but they also irritated her. A lot. Being a hero sucked so she quit. Someone else can save the galaxy this time. She was in no mood.

The beats resonated in her head making her foot involuntarily tap along with them. It was all very lulling and Shepard felt herself nodding off. As a result, she didn't notice someone joining her at her table.

"I'm glad you came." said a voice.

* * *

**A/N: This is a short one. Didn't want to pack too much into it. Also, I have noticed that people have been skipping over chapter 6 and chapter 8. As a writer, I have to wonder why. Are they too long? Should I keep my chapters shorter? Is it the content? Let me know! I care!**


	12. Consequences

Shepard looked up to greet the voice. A pair of large, black eyes greeted her back.

"God damnit!" she cursed, getting up. "I should have fucking known it was you. Again."

"Shepard, please, just give me a minute. That is all I ask. A minute." Thane urged her. Begrudgingly, Shepard sat back down, avoiding his face.

"What do you want?" she gritted through her teeth.

"It's not what I want, Shepard. It's what Nohalah wants." he replied, quietly.

"Skip the riddles, Krios, and just tell me. You have thirty seconds left."

Thane sighed.

"She is in Dr. Michel's office at the moment and she wished to see you."

Shepard's head snapped around to face Thane square on.

"Nohalah?"

"She was badly injured by a mercenary. She survived, but I had to bring her here. They do not have adequate equipment on earth."

Shepard stared at Thane, realization slowly dawning upon her. This was her fault, she had brought this upon the family.

"What of the mother?" she asked.

"She was not so fortunate. I was unable to save her. They got to Kaliyah first."

She turned away, guilt and shame seizing her. Her carelessness resulted in an innocent death and now a child was left without her mother. Shepard couldn't even apologize for it.

"How badly?" was all she could manage.

"The injuries were fatal. But Dr. Michel is hopeful. I asked you to come because I thought you'd want to know."

Shepard nodded. For a while, they sat there in silence until Thane spoke again.

"Why did you leave without saying anything?"

"I... should have stayed." she replied, unfocused. Her mind was still on Nohalah. She had taken the only important thing from her life. It was worse than her parents leaving her. Absence was temporary. Death was permanent. "She trusted me and I betrayed that trust." She was no better than her own parents. She was worse. Forgetting Thane, she swiftly got up and headed for the Med Bay.

Dr. Michel greeted her, unaware of who she was.

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm here to see a patient." Shepard replied.

"Oh, are you here for the drell child?"

"Yes. How is she?"

"She was very lucky. Whoever shot her, and I don't know why they would, missed any major organs. She's stable but asleep."

Shepard followed the doctor to Nohalah's bed.

"Do you know her?" Dr. Michel asked.

"...Yes."

"Oh, then you must me Nie'vu. She was asking for you earlier."

"Thank you, doctor." Shepard replied, signaling that she wanted to be left alone with the patient.

Nohalah's huge eyes were closed and she could hear her steady breathing. Shepard took her small hand into hers. It was colder than she remembered.

"I'm sorry." Shepard whispered, pressing the tiny hand to her mouth. "It was supposed to be the other way around. You didn't break the promise. I did."

"Mommy?"

Shepard's eyes flew open to see Nohalah's big ones wildly looking around.

"Where's my mom?" her voice was bordering on hysteria, her body struggling against the blankets. "I want my mom!" Shepard didn't know what to do. She had never had to deal with a situation like this and she was lost. Dr. Michel rushed in, however, calming the child, telling her that everything's alright, that her mom must be somewhere close.

"I want to see my mom..." Nohalah sobbed.

"Shh, child, you'll see her soon, I'm sure." she cooed, stroking her forehead. Nohalah drifted back to sleep.

"Do you know where her mother is?" Dr. Michel asked. Shepard shook her head, a tear running down her cheek. She quickly wiped it off.

"She's dead."

Shock came over the doctor's face.

"But, she's only a child! That's awful! What happened?"

Shepard did not reply. Instead, she got up and walked out. She couldn't stand being in the room any longer. Even Dr. Michel's innocent questions seemed accusatory. She wiped more tears off her face, Nohalah's terrified expression still fresh in her mind. And it was all because of her. Anger welled up inside her, anger and purpose. Whoever did this will pay. She marched back to Flux. Thane was still there, sitting where she had left him.

"I need information and you're going to get it for me."

Thane looked up at her.

"What information do you need?"

"The useful kind. I need to know who's behind this and how I can find them. So when I do, I can make them suffer."

"Shepard, revenge only begets more revenge. And it does not bring you peace. Trust me."

His hand reached out for her, gently covering her fist. Shepard's reaction to that surprised even herself. Instead of pulling away, she left it there, his touch opening the floodgate of emotions. She buried her face in her elbow, hiding her weakness.

"I'm here if you need me, Shepard."

All the memories from her childhood resurfaced and she wondered what will happen to Nohalah. Without parents, she had no future, no guidance. Shepard didn't want that for her. But she didn't know how to help her, either.

"If you're not going to help me, I know someone who will." she said, determination overtaking all else. Shepard removed her hand from his and stood up. "If you want to help, you can come with. If not, don't you dare and get in my way."

"If this is what you truly want."

"It's not what I want. It's what I have to do. You should know it better than anyone."

"Then I will come with you. You won't be able to do this alone."


	13. Connections and Confessions

He knew something, she could tell. He knew and he wasn't telling her. The question was, what. They've been flying around, trying to catch up on resources for the past week and Shepard was getting restless. She didn't like not being in control, she also didn't like not having information. Thane had information and he was withholding. And it was pissing Shepard off. She looked back at the scanner and realized that she had been scanning the same spot over and over again. This was getting nowhere. Omega all over again, minus the crap apartment. At least she had received word from Dr. Michel the other day, updating her on Nohalah's status who seemed to be making a full physical recovery. Mentally? Well, they'll just have to see.

"Bored?" Garrus asked, walking up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You have no idea."

"You know, the planet's already depleted of resources." he pointed out.

"Oh," Shepard replied, noticing the scanning status for the first time, "Just... making sure."

"Uh huh. So, you really think Thane will be able to help us?"

"Well, he's been useless so far and we're running out of time."

"Maybe we should go talk to Dr. T'Soni."

Shepard blinked as a light bulb turned on in her head. Liara. She felt incredibly stupid for not thinking of that earlier. Liara was an information broker on Illium and was almost certain to have something of value. They parted on good terms so it shouldn't be a problem getting back in touch. When they last met, she was hunting down the Shadow Broker and Shepard was almost certain that her's and Liara's targets were somehow connected. She had suspected as much from the very beginning, ever since the Illusive Man had told her that information was his business and he was the best at it. What better way to hide yourself than by creating two alternate personas?

"He has control over every other alien race out there..." she mused out loud.

"What?"

Shepard turned around to face Garrus who had a confused expression on his face.

"The Illusive Man!"

The confused expression got even more confused.

"Liara and I are possibly looking for one and the same person. Think about it. Information is both their business and they're both best at it. You've seen how the Illusive Man manipulates it. And there can only be one best, which would mean there's only one person. Does that make sense?"

Confusion was replaced by thoughtfulness. She could tell that he was thinking and that somehow, somewhere in his head, it was making sense.

"Barla Von!" she suddenly blurted out. "The information broker on the Citadel."

"What's wrong with Dr. T'Soni?"

"Two, Garrus, is better than one."

Shepard smiled, planting a small kiss on his cheek, just as the elevator door slid open, revealing Thane. She noticed him briefly glance at them, then turn around and head back. But Shepard had other ideas for him, a plan.

"Thane." she called out. He paused mid turn, his hopes of going unnoticed dashed.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"I need you to come with me to Illium."

Thane agreed with a slight incline of his head. She turned back to Garrus who seemed to be avoiding eye contact with the drell.

"Garrus, I need you to go to the Citadel. Barla Von should know you are with me and he owes me a favor."

"Of course, Shepard. Should I let Joker know to set course for Illium? I'll take the shuttle."

"No, I think it will be best if you take the Normandy and we'll take the shuttle. Whoever is after me is sure to be tracking her so it might be a good idea if I'm not here."

"You have a point. I'll have Joker set course for the Citadel, then."

Before Shepard could head back to her room, Garrus put his arms around her and awkwardly kissed her forehead.

"Where will we be without you, Shepard?"

Slightly confused by the action, she smiled and broke away from his embrace. He let her go willingly and she headed for the elevator, Thane following behind.

"Uh, I'm going _up_, Thane."

"I know."

"Don't start following me around. It's creepy."

"I merely wish to speak with you."

Before she could protest, the door closed and they were moving up.

"Fine. Don't make it a habit, though. I like my privacy and my alone time."

"Unless it concerns Garrus..." he said, nearly inaudibly. Shepard pretended not to hear. Whatever his problem was with Garrus, he can take care of it on his own time.

"So, talk." she said as the door opened onto the small hallway leading to her room.

Instead of talking, however, Thane simply followed her.

"Do I have to pry it out of you?" she asked him, getting a little irritated. As soon as the door to her room closed behind them, Shepard turned around to face Thane, making it blatantly obvious that she had little patience. He finally spoke after taking a deep breath.

"You know so much about me, Shepard and yet I know so little of you. I feel... it is my turn to ask questions."

Shepard rolled her eyes. Was this all? Was this really all he wanted? The reason he followed her? She sighed and walked over to her private terminal, intent on sending Liara a message while he was asking questions.

"Fire away. While I'm still listening."

"I appreciate your willingness."

"Ask your questions, or leave."

"As you wish. When we were on earth, that place, apartment 53. You have history there."

_Way to start with the wrong question_, she thought.

"What of it?"

"It brings you pain. Yet you chose not to share it. With Garrus. Why?"

"My history does not concern you. Nor does my pain or apartment 53."

"On the contrary, Shepard. Your pain does concern me. You listen and partake in so many others' troubles and share so little of your own burden."

"Comes with being a _hero_." she replied sarcastically, placing venomous emphasis on 'hero'.

"You are a very difficult person to get to know, Shepard. But holding that much hate inside cannot be good for you."

"Hmph, you think?"

"Why do you dislike me so much?"

Million dollar question. One that she didn't have an answer to. She didn't know why he bothered her so much and she somehow felt that saying _because I just don't_ was not going to make him go away.

"Because you're annoying and you're creepy. You start a conversation by asking the wrong questions and you stalk me while I attend to personal matters. Not to mention you kidnapped me."

"I would not have put it that way but I suppose what you say is true."

He was not going away regardless of what she said. She wished Garrus would pick _this_ time to casually stride into the room and ask her to have afternoon 'stress relief'. But he didn't and she was stuck with Thane. Again.

"Why do you care?" she asked him. "Why do you bother asking questions when you know that I don't like you?"

"Because, I have to admit, that over time I have come.. to care for you."

"You have come.. to care for me?" Shepard asked skeptically, eyebrow raised.

"Yes. I see it surprises you. Which means you have misunderstood me, my intentions, earlier."

"Your intentions?"

He nodded and it finally dawned on Shepard what he meant when he said that he liked her. It wasn't a casual 'like', it was romantic. He confessed to her, in a way. This completely took her off guard. He _liked_ her. Shepard couldn't even wrap her mind around it.

"I have said too much, it seems." he murmured, turning away. "I apologize if I have caused discomfort."

"Wait, you're joking, right?"

"No, Shepard. I am not.. joking. I do not joke about things like this."

He was serious. Dead serious. And it all made sense now. Why Garrus acted the way he did around Thane and why they tended to avoid each other. It confused her so much she didn't even know how to respond to that.

"I am sorry. I will take my leave, now." Thane broke through her thoughts and with a small bow, exited the room. She heard the elevator door open and close and was finally alone.

"That was waaay out of left field." Shepard whistled to herself and began composing a message to Liara.


	14. Liara

The reply was nearly instantaneous. Liara had agreed to meet up with her on Illium considering that Shepard helped her out a while back. She was rather interested in Shepard's theory regarding the Illusive Man. And the more she thought about it herself, the more plausible it seemed.

Shepard closed her inbox and opened the extranet. A few headlines mentioned the goings on in the galaxy. She searched for Trinity, selecting the most recent news. There was only a brief mention of a gang by that name operating on Omega. The article mentioned the incident in Afterlife but no names were named and how after that, there were no more activities reported from Trinity. Which suited her just fine. She skipped over to the entertainment page. Aside from a few notably mentioned movies, there was nothing else of interest. Nothing except for a giant advertisement at the bottom of the page. BE THE FIRST TO SUBSRIBE TO FORNAX ONLINE it proclaimed, displaying a picture of a provocatively dressed asari. Simply out of boredom, Shepard clicked on the link which brought her to a subscription page. She had never bought one, nor ever had interest in buying one. What she learned of turian anatomy, she learned from Garrus. But she was bored and it was only five credits an issue. Shepard filled out the form and clicked submit. Almost immediately, her private terminal beeped, notifying her of a new message. She opened it and there it was. A brand new Fornax, the advertised asari on the cover.

She clicked through the first few pages of advertisements and table of contents. Nothing really caught her attention until she got to the drell section. In her travels, Shepard had run into many asari, krogan, turians and other species. But there were only two drell she had ever seen in her entire life. Thane and his son. Fornax provided her with a full spread of a drell female in all her naked glory. As she would have guessed, there wasn't much difference between the two sexes. Except for more feminine features in the face and a more slender waistline. Even the chest was flat. The next page made her blush. The male drell looked nothing like Thane. At least not in the face. His coloring had a blueish hue to it and he had beautiful marks on his body. He looked tall, exotic. Beautiful. And incredibly large. Her fingers involuntarily traced the lean muscle lines of the virtual body. Shepard's mind wandered to Thane and what he said to her. A part of her also wondered if he was like this under that coat, but she shook the thought from her mind. The situation between the three of them was problematic enough. Spending time alone with him on Illium was not going to help with thoughts like that in her head. And why was she thinking of Thane anyway? Shepard forcefully pushed him out of her mind, took one last look at the exotic nude drell, and shut off her private terminal.

It was late but Shepard wasn't tired, not anymore. She looked around the empty room and thought about maybe getting some fish for the tank. It was just too empty, too confining.

"Commander? Garrus requests entry." EDI's voice announced by the door.

"Let him in." Shepard replied. She must have locked the door behind Thane. The door hissed open and Garrus walked in.

"Commander. Are you sure we can trust him?"

"Right to the point, Garrus. You disagree?"

"I just-. I mean, what he did on earth. He _was_ commissioned to kill you."

"Which means he must know something."

"But he hasn't said anything, has he?"

Shepard paused. No, he hadn't. At least nothing useful or pertaining to her goals.

"Shepard, I trust you, completely. But I don't trust him."

"Thane did help us defeat the collectors. And you did work with him first hand." she pointed out, surprised that she was defending the drell. Garrus sighed, realizing his argument was futile.

"Just promise me you'll be careful. Keep an eye on him."

"I promise. For you." she smiled and standing up on her toes, kissed his forehead. The image of the drell from Fornax flashed in her mind.

"Have you ever seen a female drell? she suddenly asked.

"Uh... no?" Garrus replied, confused. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious. I have never, either. Wonder if they're rare."

"I... wouldn't know."

"Anyway, get as much information as you can out of Barla. The sooner we catch the bastard,the better.

"You know, you never told me what happened on earth between you and Thane."

"It wasn't much." Shepard said, not sure how much to say. She trusted Garrus, but her past was better where it was left, in the dark recess of her mind. "I must have ruptured the wound from all the walking. Next thing I know, I'm in the middle of a fucking desert where criminals are sent to die."

"That would explain the ambush."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Regardless, we're here now."

Garrus nodded, unsatisfied by the reply, but he didn't pursue.

The next day, they parted ways as Garrus took the shuttle to the Citadel and Shepard and Thane took the Normandy to Illium. Liara gave them a secure landing pad and came out to greet them when they arrived.

"Shepard! It's good to see you!" Liara exclaimed. "You too, Thane." She hugged them both.

"You two know each other?" Shepard asked, perplexed by this sudden knowledge.

"Yes, we talked before and he also contacted me not too long ago." Liara replied, evidently surprised by Shepard's lack of information. "You did not tell her?" she asked, looking in turn at Thane who did not reply. Shepard also looked at him, slightly irked. She knew he wasn't telling her something.

"Let's not stand out in the open too long. Follow me." Liara prompted, sensing the tension. They followed her to her office through a series of passages and secure doors. "A precaution." she stated when Shepard asked why they had to take the long way. To anyone else, this would have been a maze, but Shepard's memory was good and if it came to it, she will be able to get out without a problem.

"Where's your assistant?" Shepard asked when they finally reached Liara's office.

"Remember when I had you search for information on the Informer?"

"Sure." she replied, not seeing the connection.

"Well, it turned out the best place to hide for an informer is the least place you'd expect one to be. My assistant was the Informer."

"No kidding!"

"Most of my assignments were commissioned by such people." Thane voiced for the first time since they left the Normandy. Liara nodded.

"I was able to track down some more information and it led to her. A spy under my nose the whole time! So, Shepard, what can I do for you?"

Shepard sat in one of the chairs by Liara's desk with Thane following suit. There really wasn't any good way to start this off so she skipped right to business.

"We need to find the Illusive Man."

"Thane filled me in on what happened on earth. And your theory is compelling. Shepard, if you are right..."

"We may be able to help each other." Shepard finished.

"We may also be closer than you think. I was recently informed that one of Shadow Broker's most trusted agents was shot and killed on Omega."

Shepard coughed, sitting up a little straighter.

"You know of this?" both Liara and Thane asked at the same time.

"Uh.... I was, how can I say this? I was... there." she cleared her throat.

"That was you?" Liara asked incredulously. "I had no idea. They said it was a member of Trinity. Shepard, what happened?"

"Long story. Maybe I'll tell you over a beer one day. What have you found out about this agent?"

"He was the Shadow Broker's right hand man."

The news was surprising. But what was even more shocking was that Grunt seemed to know this. How, Shepard had no idea.

"Luckily, I was able to have one of my agents recover the body. We were able to decrypt the information stored in his omni-tool and we got a location."

This was good news indeed.

"I forwarded it to Thane just days ago, which is why I'm surprised you came here."

And this was the bad news. Shepard turned to Thane.

"You didn't tell me this why?"

"I feared you would not have believed me. I felt it best if you figured it out on your own."

"You felt it best? Why do I even bother?" Shepard rolled her eyes. But he did have a point. She probably would not have believed him.

"Shepard, I want to come with you. That bastard deserves what he has coming for him."

"We could use your help. Someone of your strength is a valuable asset."

"I just hope I am right."

* * *

**A/N: So I got bored one day and was inspired to draw this. Somewhat of my version of this story's commander Shepard. Not as pale, but.... yeah.**

[FF won't let me link it so message me if you're interested]

**In case you're wondering what she's wearing over her shoulder, it's a sack made out of a bed sheet she used in escaping from Kaliyah's home.**

**Also, just wanted to say thanks for the encouraging reviews! :D**

**~Keelah Selai**


	15. Truth Revealed

They were wrong. Way off. The data that Liara's team uncovered simply led them to a hidden stash of red sand. Absolutely useless. Shepard punched the closes wall with all her strength, putting a fist sized dent into it. Her anger was overwhelming. She was getting sick of chasing empty leads. Sick of being played for a fool over and over again. Rage overtook her whole body and with all her biotic might she started throwing the crates at the walls, filling the room with red fog.

"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!" she screamed into the air, throwing more crates around. It was useless. All useless. What was she doing, anyway? What did she hope to accomplish? Nohalah's face flashed in her mind, riddled with fear. Shepard sank to her knees. It was all catching up to her. She held it down for so long, pushed it all back. But it returned. Now. When it was all hopeless and futile. Her parents, the little boy, her mates, her crew, Kaliyah, Nohalah, Garrus, ....Thane. All she ever did was cause pain. Her fingers pulled at her hair in desperation as tears freely rolled down her cheeks. This was the second time in her life that Shepard felt insignificant, unsure, helpless.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and angrily brushed it off. She shouldn't be letting her emotions run freely like this. Shepard, the hero of the galaxy, twice, brought down to her knees by a single man. It was ridiculous and humiliating. And it pissed Shepard off.

"That son of a bitch is going to pay twice for this." she hissed.

"Shepard. I'm sorry. If I had known..." Liara apologized behind her.

"Forget it. Let's go."

"Shepard-"

"I said forget it!"

She picked up her assault rifle and stormed out. This place was starting to make her sick. Everything was, in fact. The whole situation was a mess and out of control. She needed to get back to the Normandy and rethink her strategy. Her life. As soon as they boarded, Shepard retreated to her room, locking the door behind, giving EDI specific instructions not to let anyone in. Her private terminal was blinking. Hoping for some good news, Shepard opened her inbox. It was only a notice about a new issue of Fornax being available on the net. Shepard rubbed her eyes in frustration. Why the hell was everything so damn difficult? She vaguely remembered Mordin saying something about giving in order to get. Haven't she given enough? She destroyed Saren, defeated a geth army, saved the galaxy from the Collectors.

"What the hell else am I supposed to give?" she asked the terminal, holding its edges so tightly her knuckles became white. It beeped in response, letting her know that the latest issue finished downloading and was ready for viewing. Shepard sighed. She was expecting too much. Things were so much easier when the hope of all humanity did not rest on her shoulders. When an order was given and followed. Simple military life. She clicked on Fornax and opened the first page. It was dedicated to salarians and turians. Nothing she didn't already know.

"I did not take you for a Fornax reader, Shepard."

Shepard swung around in her seat to find Thane standing behind her. Somehow, it didn't surprise her.

"EDI?" she complained, "I thought I told you not to let anyone in."

"His reasoning was compelling, Commander." EDI defended herself. Shepard grunted.

"Compelling, huh? Well, right now _I _feel compelled to throw your systems out the nearest airlock. Is that compelling enough _not_ to let people in?"

"I apologize, Commander." EDI replied, shutting off.

"What do you want?" Shepard turned to face Thane. He thought for a moment before answering.

"To understand you, Shepard."

Shepard raised an eye brow at him.

"This again? You don't give up, do you?"

"Not usually, no."

"Fine. Sit." she conceded, standing up and walking over to the couch. "Drink?"

"No, thank you."

Shepard poured herself a well deserved glass of brandy. It warmed her throat as it went down.

"So, ask away. What do you want to know?"

"Today, you did not receive the news well. I wanted to know if you were alright."

Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back. She was tired as hell, mentally and physically.

"I spent over a year hunting that bastard down only to come to another dead end. How do you think I feel?"

"May I ask why?"

She opened her eyes to look at him, for the first time noticing his colorings. Despite herself, she had to admit they were beautiful, more so than the guy's from the Fornax. His expression was genuinely concerned and Shepard had to look away for fear of him being able to see right through her.

"Why what?"

"Why are you so adamant about tracking him down?"

She snorted, accidentally inhaling brandy which made her cough.

"You can't be serious." she finally said after recovering. His expression said otherwise. "You have no idea, do you?" He slightly shook his head in response. Shepard exhaled loudly and poured herself another glass of brandy.

"The things they've done... It's unforgivable. Torture, experiments on sentient being, on humans! They kill without a second thought."

"You've also killed." he pointed out.

"That's different. I kill for the good of all. I kill bad people. Sometimes innocent people get in the way, but the mission is the priority. I don't kill for fun." Shepard snapped. "Cerberus does. And anyway, who are you to say that I've killed when you yourself have been trained to do so from the age of six."

"My body was merely the tool and my first kill was not till I was eleven. You, on the other hand, I'm not so sure. Your past weighs heavily on you."

Shepard snorted in response.

"My past has nothing to do with this."

"On the contrary. Your past has everything to do with this."

Shepard's head immediately snapped to face him.

"What do you know of my past?"

Thane looked away, composing himself, his thoughts.

"There is no easy way of putting this."

"Just tell me, damn it!" she was on her feet, brandy splashing out of the glass onto the cold metal floor.

"Your parents.... Cerberus paid them." he paused, unsure of how to continue. "They paid them to... abandon you."

Shepard felt the color drain from her face as her whole body shook.

"Lies." she whispered.

"They wanted you to grow up in the streets, along with a few other kids in the same project. You were all scattered throughout the galaxy. Their intention was to raise a leader who would lead human kind to domination. Ruthless, cold, calculating. According to the records, everyone except you failed. Which is why the Illusive Man had such high hopes for you. Which is also why he spend as much as he did to bring you back."

"How do you know this? What proof do you have?"

He handed her a data pad. It contained documentations on her progress as well as a copy of a document with her parents' signature of agreement on it. This was irrefutable. All this time she thought her parents abandoned her. But they did worse. They sold out their own child. Sold her out for a million credits. Bastards. Rage filled her.

"Where did you get this?" her voice was low, threatening.

"I cannot name my contacts, Shepard. But I trust the source."

"Why? Why bring this to me?"

...

"Because you are the only one who can save this galaxy. But in order to do that, you need to come to terms with your past."

The statement pushed Shepard over the edge. She threw the data pad back at him.

"I am sick of saving everyone's ass! The Illusive Man? The Council? The Alliance? The whole damned galaxy can go fuck itself! I'm done being a hero. Do you know what I got for killing Saren and saving the Citadel? I got my Spectre status revoked. Do you know what I got for saving the galaxy? A death sentence. So, fuck you and your heroics. You can all take it and shove it up your collective asses."

Shepard was so enraged she barely noticed Thane standing up and walking over to her. Before she could continue, his one arm was around her waist, his other entangled in her hair, and his mouth on hers. His breath was incredibly warm. Shepard was struck speechless, shocked, paralyzed. His tongue penetrated through her defenses, finding her own. He tasted sweet, like summer berries. Intoxicating. Her mind screamed at her to fight back, asking her what she was doing, but her body refused to respond. It felt numb. What _was_ she doing? She hated him, didn't she? Why was her damned body refusing to move, then? And even more to her horror, why was it asking for more? His kiss was persistent, needy, forceful. And just as abruptly as it began, it ended. He broke away from her, looking away, his hand over his mouth.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I just did that."

Shepard couldn't even reply. The shock of the kiss coupled with the discovery her true fate rendered her completely speechless and motionless.

"Please. Think about what I said." Thane finally said and took his leave, still avoiding eye contact. Shepard collapsed onto the couch, completely mentally drained. Her parents sold her out and she just made out with the guy she hated. Not a good way to end the day.

**PART ONE END**

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**A/N: Whaaaaat? Cerberus knew of Shepard all along?? And how and when did Thane find out??? Stay tuned for part two!!**

**Also, tell me what you think so far!**


	16. New Beginning

The nightmares came back, each one worse than the next. Shepard found herself awake and in sweat more and more often. And this night was no exception. Her body jerked awake, her bedsheets soaked in sweat, her breathing shallow.

"Are you alright?" Garrus asked next to her, highly concerned. Shepard shook her head no. She wasn't alright. She was scared shitless. She just watched everything being torn apart by unimaginable monsters. Worlds, people, blood everywhere. And she could do nothing to stop it until the creatures finally got to her, taking her apart limb by limb. The screams still echoed in her ears. The night before, she dreamed of being a child again, chained up, starved, sold as a slave to a giant who ate children for breakfast. And the night before that, she dreamed of butchering everyone around her. No, she was not alright. Every nerve in her body was wrecked and on fire. His arms attempted to pull her close but she resisted and instead stood up and walked toward the bathroom. Shepard could feel his concerned gaze on her back, but it didn't stop her. She needed to be alone, to think.

Shepard brushed the hair sticking to her face away and put on another shirt.

"Where are you going?"

"To think. Alone." She stressed 'alone' to discourage him from following. Ever since her encounter with Thane, she had not told Garrus about anything. As a result, her nightmares returned. The last time Shepard had a nightmare was when she was first recruited into Alliance military. That was ages ago. There was no reason for her to be having them now. She exited the room and walked over to the elevator, intent on visiting the Starboard Observation deck. On the way down, her hand touched her lips. Nightmares were not the only thing haunting her. The last time Shepard kissed anything remotely resembling a human mouth was Kaidan. But that kiss was nothing compared to Thane's. However, ever since that incident, they have taken great care to avoid each other. It has been a month since they talked last.

The elevator door opened revealing the hallway. The observation deck was right past the Life Support room where Thane had taken residence in once again. Part of her told herself that this was not a good idea. Being this close, with just one metal wall separating them... It made her feel a little uncomfortable. But the other part told her that this was her ship and she could do what she damn well pleased. Shepard listened to her second half and as quietly as she could opened the door to the observation deck, glad that the doors were not automatic. Her efforts were in vain, however, for as soon as the door opened, Thane's bare back greeted her. He was sitting cross legged on the floor, meditating, seemingly undisturbed by her entry.

"Shepard." he greeted her quietly, taking away any chance of leaving unnoticed. She swore under her breath. Damn him and his honed hearing skills. "Join me?" he asked without looking at her. Begrudgingly, she sat next to him, making sure to keep at least an arm's length between them.

"I want to apologize for what I did." he continued when she finally situated herself. "It was... uncalled for." Shepard didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. Not even 'it's OK,' because it wasn't. It wasn't ok that he knew her past, it wasn't ok that he kissed her, and it definitely was not ok that she thought about that kiss every damned day since it happened. She heard him sigh. "I see I will not be forgiven." There was a hint of sadness to his tone and it made Shepard look at him. His eyes were closed, his face relaxed. He wasn't even looking at her. But his body betrayed his tension. She couldn't figure him out. What did he want from her? Why go to such great lengths to talk to her when he knew she wasn't interested. He was an enigma and it bothered her. "If I will not be forgiven, may I at least inquire as to why you are awake?"

Without even thinking Shepard found herself retelling him every detail of her dream, down to the very gory parts. He listened patiently without once moving until she was done. And when she was, he finally turned to her.

"Thank you. For sharing. You do not often open up to me. When you do, it is... reassuring."

Not quite sure what he meant by that, Shepard looked out onto the void beyond. Somehow, it felt good to tell him that. To release the mental strain. To release the pain. She closed her eyes and laid on her back on the cold floor.

"You are very strange, Krios. I push you away, yet you persist. Do you enjoy pain?"

"I can remember pain, but I choose not to." he simply replied.

"So if I hit you, you won't remember tomorrow?"

"No- No, it's not like that. I feel pain as you do, Shepard. I just...choose to put it out of my mind."

"So my question still stands. If I hit you, will you choose not to remember tomorrow?"

"What you talk of is physical pain. It is different from emotional pain. Thus, to answer your question, yes, I will remember tomorrow because depending on how hard you hit, it may still hurt. As to why I persist, well, I cannot answer that. I do not know myself. You are an intriguing person, Shepard. People are drawn to you. Yet you push them away. Even Garrus."

"I do not!" she shot back defensively.

"What was the most intimate thing you've ever shared with him? Aside from your sexual encounters, I mean."

Shepard thought for a moment. The only thing she ever told Garrus was about her parents. And that was a lie. She never opened up to him, not even tonight when he asked for it.

"Why should I tell you?" she replied instead of answering.

"You won't. Because there is nothing to tell."

"And how would you know that?" she asked, sitting up again, looking him straight in the face.

"Because believe it or not, Shepard, we are more alike than you know."

"Is that why you 'like' me?"

"I do not like you because we are similar. I have come to admire you for what you have become. For who you are. Our similarities simply let me understand you better."

"So you're my psychologist now?"

"If you let me."

"That was a joke..."

"I know. But I was serious. Shepard, when you only have a few months left to live, you cannot waste time on frivolous things. I do not wish the time spent with you go to waste."

"Then tell me, completely honestly no holding back, why do you persist? Why do you insist on spending your last moments with me?"

He stood up and walked over to the window, hands behind his back.

"Honestly?"

"Yes, that's what I said. Honestly no holding back. You said you liked me, I get that. But even a dog that loves you will eventually stop coming to you after being kicked so many times."

Thane turned to face her, his expression unreadable.

"You compare me to an animal, a simple minded one, at that. Is that how you think of me? As a dog?"

"You certainly act like one sometimes."

"I see." he replied, turning around to face the void again. "Then no matter what I say you will not change your opinion of me?"

"Depends on what you say. If the next few words to come out of your mouth are 'You are a heartless bitch,' then I might consider changing my mind about you."

"But if I said that, it would be a lie."

"Not like you've never lied before."

"I have withheld information, but I have never lied, Shepard."

"Sure, whatever makes you sleep at night." she replied, laying back down on the floor with her hands behind her head. This conversation was going nowhere, but she couldn't sleep and she had nothing better to do other than count indentations on the ceiling.

"What makes me sleep at night is knowing that I will leave the galaxy a better place than I have found it."

"Well, with that attitude you might as well be me. I'll trade roles any day. How long did you say you have to live?" Shepard chuckled.

"I cannot fill your shoes, Shepard. No one can."

"You're right. Your cute little feet can't fit into my super awesome and amazing jet pack powered superhero shoes." she replied sarcastically.

She heard footsteps before Thane's shadow blocked out one of the lights above her. He knelt down before her.

"You have not considered what I said to you."

"No," she admitted, "I have not. Hence, I revert back to my original question, why the hell do you persist?"

In an almost exasperated voice he replied,

"Because I love you, _Siha_."

* * *

**A/N: So, I'm totally gonna go into fangirl mode right now and ask: Did anyone else completely melt when Thane called Shepard Siha in the game???**


	17. Betrayal

_Because I love you_. The words resonated in her head over and over again, like an endless echo. She couldn't understand why they affected her so much. After all, Garrus had said the same thing to her so many times before. _Because I love you_.

"Don't say things you don't mean." Shepard said quietly, afraid to use the full volume of her voice should it betray her unsteadiness.

"What will it take for you to understand that I mean what I say?" he resigned. Shepard sat up to take him in full view. His body was taut but his obsidian eyes betrayed nothing. She had nothing to say to him, no witty come back, no snide remark. No words came to her. She sighed, got up, and walked to the window. They weren't moving so Shepard was able to make out a few planets in the distance. Other than that, there was nothing but an empty void. A void not unlike her own. And the only thing separating her from it was a piece of reinforced glass. How could they speak of love to her when she didn't even know what love was. A silly emotion that makes people do stupid things. An emotion so easily manipulated, warped. Bribed.

She respected Garrus, trusted him, but she didn't love him. What made Thane think that he would be any different? What made him think that saying he loved her would change her mind? How did he know he loved her in the first place? It made no sense to Shepard and it made her head hurt thinking about it.

"Don't fool yourself with illusory emotions." she finally said, pressing her palms against the cold glass. The heat from her body created fog around her fingers and she wiped it away. Through their reflection she could see Thane walk up behind her. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her around to face him.

"Siha, I-" his voice broke. His hand reached for her face, but stopped mere millimeters away, curled into a fist. Then, as if changing his mind, he reached out completely, his thumb gentry brushing against her lips. His touch sent a shiver down Shepard's spine and she closed her eyes to fight back against her desires. Which was a mistake because moments later she felt his hot breath on her mouth. Her eyes flew open but her body once again refused to respond. Her fingers gripped at the glass behind her and she could feel her heart beat speeding up, her breathing become heavier. Part of her was repulsed at this need, this desire. What about Garrus? her rationality screamed at her. But the other part pushed those thoughts away, wanted to feel his mouth on hers, wanted to taste his tongue again, wanted to lose herself in that kiss. Shepard turned her head away, afraid that he might see that need, but he refused to let her get away. Her face was in his hands, his breath, warm and sweet, on her lips.

"I'm sorry." he whispered and their mouths collided. The sensation was unimaginable. The memory of his first kiss faded away, burned away by his passion. His fingers tangled in her hair as he unapologetically explored every possible area of her mouth, her lips. Her breathing became shallow as she struggled for control. The glass behind her provided no support so her hands gripped at his body, his arms, his chest, anything. His tongue delved deeper, yearning for response, his hands crushing her against himself.

Shepard felt the room around her spin, saw the edges starting to melt away. She felt like she was on drugs, again. High. Loosing her mind to sweet, sensual oblivion. And it scared her. She couldn't understand why her body reacted in such a way. She never lost control like this with Garrus. Or anyone, for that matter. His hand traveled down the length of her back, around her bottom, bringing her closer. This wasn't right, her mind kept telling her. The last time she felt like this was when she overloaded on hallucinogenics back on earth. The effects were not as strong, but she recognized them for what they were. She tried to fight back, but the heat of the moment refused to let go of its hold on her. She kissed him back, shredding the last ounce of self control. It was the most incredible kiss she had ever experienced. She wasn't in her body anymore. She was floating, floating away. Her hands gripped tighter to his body, clinging, making sure she didn't float away.

Suddenly, they were on the ground, in the grass, blue skies above them. She tore at her clothing, trying to free herself, but something held her hands. _He_ held her hands, a smile on his face, a coy smile. She smiled back.

"Thane.." she breathed.

".....Shepard?" his words cut through the haze in her brain. Sharp, demanding, questioning, concerned. Wait, concerned? Her mind began to clear as she slowly returned to Normandy. And there he was, Thane, above her, a worried look on his face, the coy smile gone. Had she imagined it?

"Shepard, are you alright?" he asked, gently lifting her off the ground. Shepard shook the last remnants of the fog off and sat up. Had he drugged her?

"What did you do?" she inquired, anger setting in. He recoiled slightly from her tone, confused as much as she was.

"I don't know." he replied, "You just... collapsed."

Shepard pressed her palm against her forehead. She still felt a little dizzy, but Thane's concern seemed genuine.

"Shit.." she uttered. "Shit, shit, shit!" She jumped up and pushed him away. What had she done? Her reflection revealed her appearance. She was a mess, her hair disheveled, her shirt half off, her pants askew. And worst of all, she felt taken advantage of. What will she tell Garrus now, for she was sure the guilt would show on her face each time he saw her.

"You jerk!" she shouted at Thane, clutching at her shirt with one hand and landing a slap straight across his face with the palm of the other. His earrings bounced from the impact, his face reeling, his shock and hurt evident.

"Siha, I'm sorry.." he tried to apologize, but she refused him, ignored him. Straightening up her pants, she shot him one last look then stormed out of the room. Her insides were on fire. She was pissed. Pissed at him, pissed at herself for letting him do that to her. For letting herself do this to Garrus. But she couldn't just run away, it wasn't like her. Shepard rode the elevator all the way up to her private quarters, opened the door to her room, and immediately jumped into the shower.

Too bad Garrus was already in there.

"Shepard!" he exclaimed, surprised at her sudden entry.

"Garrus! I thought you would be asleep!"

"I... couldn't." he replied, eying her from head to toe. Shepard became extremely conscious of her appearance. She tried to straighten her hair but it was too late.

"What happened?" he asked, walking up to her. Shepard reflexively stepped back, stopping Garrus in his tracks. "Shepard?"

He could smell him on her, she knew it. She saw it in his eyes, the sudden realization, the confusion, the betrayal.

"Shepard?" he asked again, taking a step back from her. She wrapper her arms around herself and looked away, totally and completely shamed. To her surprise, however, Garrus grabbed her and pulled her close. Close to his hard chest, her rock, her protection.

"That bastard will pay." he murmured.

However, 'that bastard' was gone the next day and a wave of relief washed over Shepard. No less guilty for what she had done, but at least she didn't have to deal with it. She still needed to talk to Garrus, though. To clarify things, not only for him but for her, as well. She wanted to hear herself say that she cared for Garrus and know that she meant it, because in her head, it sounded fake and forced.

Shepard stood in front of the galaxy map, mulling over in her head what she should say. But the only thing she could think of was Thane and his expression after she had hit him. Shepard almost felt bad for him, but almost was not enough to apologize. The elevator doors opened behind her and she turned around to see Liara.

"Shepard, I heard commotions last night. Is everything alright?" she asked, looking around.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Shepard replied nonchalantly. A puzzled look crossed Liara's face, but it was fleeting.

"Have you seen Thane this morning?" she continued. Why did everyone have to bring him up now?

"No, I have not seen the drell." Shepard replied coldly.

"Oh, alright." Liara replied absentmindedly. "Well, if you see him, let him know that I want to talk to him."

"Sure, whatever." she mumbled, wondering why she agreed to bring Liara on board. Well, at least the woman had information and connections. "What do you need to talk to him about, anyway?"

"Nothing... important."

Was it her or did Liara just blush? The asari had a crush on the drell! Shepard couldn't help herself. She laughed, causing Liara's blush to become deeper. Well, this was certainly interesting.


	18. Mordin's Advice

The rest of the day remained fairly quiet so Shepard decided to do some research. On human/drell relations. Mordin's lab was the perfect place to keep herself occupied and undisturbed. The salarian's belongings were all gone, replaced by Alliance personnel's data pads, reports, robes, and other things. How quickly some faded away into history, never to be heard of again. She picked up one of the reports from the table. It was Mordin's revised information on the Collectors. Useless now, but Shepard read the first few paragraphs nonetheless. There was a brief mention of their Prothean origin, but the rest of the document was dedicated to possible modification and indoctrination procedures. Shepard remembered being on a Reaper and the effect it had on her. It was subtle, a mere whisper in the back of her mind, but it was there. Because of that, she had to talk to her crew to make sure none were affected permanently.

Putting the data pad down, she rummaged through other things. Top clearance Alliance data. Shepard chuckled to herself. Not even as Commander of the Alliance Navy did she have clearance to view these. Yet here she was, galaxy's secrets at her finger tips. Not that it interested her much. She turned on Mordin's computer. It blinked a couple times, beeped, then prompted her for a password. Shepard paused. Mordin's password or Alliance? She thought for a moment. It was likely that the Alliance had encrypted the data when they recovered the Normandy. However, Mordin was with STG, which meant that he knew how to encrypt his own stuff. Which also meant that her omni tool would be absolutely useless against it. Mordin or Alliance? She decided to go with Mordin. The challenge was greater, but Shepard welcomed the opportunity to take her mind off things.

First, she needed to figure out what she knew about Mordin. Salarian. STG. Genophage. Doctor. Nephew. What was his nephew's name? He never told her. That could be it. What else did she know about him? She could only think of one other thing. Something Mordin had told her on their mission to find Maelon. But it couldn't be that simple, could it? Not for Mordin. She carefully typed in the word, slowly, one letter at a time. F A I T H. Shepard held her breath while the computer processed her request. Then, to her relief, blinked twice and opened up the main menu. Faith. It made sense. Mordin needed something to anchor him to sanity. To believe that what he did was right.

_Shepard! Knew you could do it! Left modified, touch based protection protocols. Don't want information falling into wrong hands. Not much time left, I know. Recorded important information regarding Reaper technology. Also leaving all my previous research in your hands. Use it well. I know you will._

Shepard stared at the screen, Mordin's image animatedly letting her know about the data. He knew that she would eventually have to access his console so he set up new parameters for her. Which was why she was able to choose the right password because it was the only thing that Mordin shared with her and only her. The image blinked off, leading her to a screen with data files. Everything from his research on varren sexually transmitted disease to Joker's Vrolik's to Reapers and beyond. She browsed through all the folders until she ran into one named for her. Shepard opened it expecting to find another instructional video by Mordin regarding important galaxy saving information. Instead, she did find instructional videos, but not about saving the galaxy.

"Mordin, you sly son of a bitch." she smiled to herself. He had collected every possible video, image, and data on sexual relations between human and drell, human and turians, human and biotics, and a little on human and salarians. He clearly had anticipated her having sex with a crew member, prepared data on it, and was probably planning on sharing it with her. Shame she never had that conversation. Would have been fun to watch his expression while he explained how to get it on with another species. But she had to wonder, who was the biotic that Mordin foresaw? He must have known that Shepard only preferred men. Then it occurred to her. Jacob. Jacob? Really? But then again, Mordin did like to think of all possible scenarios. Which, in her mind, sounded absolutely dirty. Mordin the pervert. Shepard laughed.

She decided to open the folder containing information about turians first. The amount of 'data' was overwhelming. The images were... almost disturbing. Did humans really do this with turians? Shepard flipped through a few more, intaking breath at some, laughing at others. The videos were even worse. Most were really bad pornography films. However, some were educational anatomy/erogenous zone films. She knew most of those already, but some were new to her and she made a mental note to try them out next time. Then Shepard stopped her self. Next time? Will there be a next time? Will she even be able to face Garrus in bed after what she had done? She shook the thought from her mind. Of course she will. She's Shepard. If she can handle Udina and an intergalactic threat, she can handle the situation in the bedroom. No problem. All she needed to do was talk to Garrus and forget all about Thane. Her face sank. Easier said than done.

To at least create a valid argument in her defense, Shepard opened the folder on human/drell liaisons. Slightly less overwhelming, but still a lot of files to sift through. She needed to find data on physical effects. After flipping through what felt like every file in the galaxy, she finally found it. _Oral contact may cause slight hallucinations, lasting anywhere between a few minutes to an hour, depending on resilience. _Bingo. But that wasn't much of a defense and Shepard knew it. While hallucinations did impair judgment somewhat, oral contact had to occur first. And for that, she had no excuse. She turned off the console and slumped on the ground against the wall. Why was nothing ever simple? Shepard knew that if she let Garrus continue thinking that she was assaulted by the drell she would be lying to him. And not that she would feel bad for Thane... But just thinking that made her feel slight guilt. Men. Nothing but trouble. Maybe she should have chosen Liara when she had the chance. Except now Liara had a thing for Thane. The idea of the two of them getting together was nothing short of comical. Shepard didn't know why, it just was. Somehow, anyone getting it on with Thane was comical and thinking about it made Shepard feel rather weird.

"That's enough sex vids for me, then." she mumbled to herself and got up. No sense in sitting around, wasting time. She opened the door and exited Mordin's lab, taking one last look behind. The deck was empty as usual and she was glad for it. She could use an uneventful day. Too bad the day didn't intend to be uneventful.

"Uh, Commander?" Joker's voice rang through the intercom, "You might want to hold on tight." Shepard, knowing she had less than a second to react, grabbed the railing just in time as the ship violently reeled to the left. It took her a few moments to steady herself and when she did, she ran for the cockpit, grabbing Joker's chair for support.

"What the hell's going on?!" she yelled.

"Hell if I know! There we were, minding our own - Shit!"

The ship made another violent and sudden turn, flinging Shepard's body sideways.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Joker frantically apologized, attempting to maneuver the ship as best he could. "EDI, get us the hell out of here!" he barked at the AI.

"Joker, status report. Now!" Shepard demanded, unsteadily getting back up on her feet.

"I don't know! They just appeared out of nowhere! EDI! Get us out!!"

".... They? Fuck! How many?"

"Scanners picking up five unidentified vessels." EDI explained, her voice unnaturally calm. "All five are of military origin."

"Alliance?"

"Initially, yes. But from what I am able to pick up, they are modified with illegal armory."

"Mercenaries."

"This is all very interesting, but we're still being fired upon!" Joked interjected.

"We have guns. Use them!" Shepard ordered. "EDI, your protocol allows you to control defense systems. Start being useful!"

"Shepard, the Thanix Cannon was removed by Alliance military for study." EDI informed her, "We have very minimal defense and our shields have been reduced to 35 percent."

"Shit!"

"My sentiment exactly, Commander. So can we get the hell out of here?" Joker yelled. "Now?"

"Rerouting all non critical power to shields." the AI announced. The ship recoiled from another hit. "Powering up the main drive. Please specify destination."

"Shit, EDI! Anywhere!"

"Tuchunka." Shepard commanded.

"Destination specified. Three. Two. One."

And they were gone. It took them a minute to compose themselves. When they finally did, Joker turned around to face her.

"Tuchunka, Commander? Really? Like that's the safest place in the galaxy. Warm and sunny."

"Got a better idea?" Shepard shot back at him. Joker shrugged.

"Just... pointing out the obvious."

"Point the _ship_ in the right direction and we'll have no problems."

"Fine." he mumbled and turned to face the controls. "Shepard, the weapon of mass destruction."

"Keep it up and you'll end up spaced without a suit."

"Good to have you back!"

"EDI, run an analysis on those ships and get it to me ASAP." Shepard ordered.

"Yes, Commander."


	19. Tuchunka

**A/N: This chapter is written solely for Shepard to satisfy her carnal desire to shoot people in their knees. She is renegade so if you're not into violence, skip this. If you continue, you've been warned. Although, it's really not that bad. I promise. **

* * *

Shepard was sitting in her room waiting for EDI's report when Garrus and Liara walked in.

"What was that all about?" Garrus asked first. She swiveled in her chair to face them. They were both looking expectantly at her as if by some power she had answers to all the questions.

"I don't know. I'm still waiting on the report from EDI." she replied. As if on cue, EDI's voice piped up over the comm.

"Commander, I have the analysis you requested."

"And?" Shepard asked impatiently.

"The ships belonged to batarian slavers."

Shepard had to double back on that one.

"Slavers? Are you sure?"

"Positive, Shepard. However, what is curious is the fact that the area where we were, no known colonies occupy it. Thus, there was no reason for them to be there."

"Unless they were looking to hide their stash." supplied Garrus.

"The planets in that area are all gas giants. The logical conclusion would be that someone disclosed our location."

"Shepard, do you think it could be the Shadow- I mean the Illusive Man?" Liara asked.

"We can't know for sure, but we can assume. And that's a pretty damn good bet." Shepard replied. "EDI, let Joker know we're going ground side."

"Yes, Commander."

"And you two, suit up. We're going to pay Wrex a visit."

A shadow crossed Liara's face, and as fleeting as it was, Shepard noticed it.

"Problem, Liara?"

The asari shook her head.

"Good. Be ready in five, then meet me by the shuttle."

The whole way down Liara kept shifting in her seat. Shepard figured it was probably because she didn't like krogans or something. Or maybe it was just Wrex. Whatever it was, as long as it didn't interfere with her plans, Shepard didn't care.

When they exited the shuttle, they were greeted by a krogan body guard who asked them to surrender their weapons before entering.

"Like hell I will." Shepard refused, drawing her pistol. "Let me through or I put a hole in your skull. Deal?" Another bodyguard entered and asked the first one to let them pass. Wrex knew of their arrival and instructed that they be left alone.

"You got lucky, human." the first bodyguard growled.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Garrus replied, knowing as well as she did that they could have put down all the bodyguards in the docking bay without breaking a sweat. But this was Wrex's home and she didn't want to cause too much trouble.

"I've heard of you, human." the krogan spat. "You're the one who brought the tank bred here. You're also the one who destroyed the cure for the genophage on Virmire."

"Cry all you want. Not gonna change anything."

"Shepard! Making life difficult for my men?" rumbled a voice behind all the guards. Wrex pushed through the small in comparison krogan to greet her.

"Wrex! You know I'm just putting them in their place." she cracked a smile at him which he returned with a strong hand shake.

"As long as you don't hurt them too much. So, what brings you here again, my friend?"

Behind them, the disgruntled guards waived their arms in dismissal and left.

"Oh, you know me, always looking for trouble."

"Glad to see you haven't changed. Grunt has told me all about your... adventures."

"Has he, now? What else has he told you?"

"That you're the galaxy's worst drunk!" he laughed, a deep rumble escaping his throat.

"Very funny. Where's that little shit?"

"He's with my scout right now. Been very useful here since you left him."

"I didn't leave him. They stole him from me in my sleep. Bastards." she shot Garrus a playfully nasty look.

"Ah, Vakarian. Grew some balls, did you?" Wrex joked.

"You could say that." was all Garrus said in reply to which Wrex laughed again.

"So, Shepard. Brought your whole crew with you?" he asked, turning back to her.

"No, just these two with me. Joker's still on the Normandy. That's about the size of my crew."

"What about Thane?" Liara spoke for the first time since they got here. The name piqued Wrex's curiosity.

"Who is this... Thane person?" he asked.

"No one important." Shepard quickly replied before Liara or Garrus could say more. "Should we go in?" She grabbed Garrus and Liara's hands and dragged them in, taking the lead. Wrex's laugh resonated behind her. It was funny for him, but for her, the mere mention of his name brought back images she preferred not to think about.

Grunt was where Wrex said he would be, with the scout. He was surprised to see them.

"Shepard. Thought you were dead." he exclaimed.

"Seems to be lot of that going around." she replied. "I need you aboard Normandy. Now."

"Shepard, I-"

"I said now. Is that not clear enough?" she took out her pistol and pointed at his head. Grunt didn't even flinch.

"Shepard, they need me here." he objected.

"Too bad. I need you more."

Behind her, Liara snickered and Garrus added his own comment.

"Damn, Shepard. Wish you'd say that to me."

"Shut it, both of you." she snapped at them. "If you're not gonna help, don't say anything."

"Yes, Commander." they both replied, still snickering. She shot them a dirty look, silencing them. Then turning to face Grunt again, continued.

"You're coming whether you like it or not, jerk." Shepard said, pointing a finger at his chest. He brushed her hand away in one swift movement.

"I have to stay and that's final, Shepard. No amount of gun pointing is going to change that."

"Fine." Shepard finally conceded, crossing her arms. "Your loss."

"First you shake down my guards, then you try to steal my men? Why, Shepard, you're quite a woman." Wrex said behind them.

"If I can't steal your man-" there was snickering again from Garrus and Liara. Shepard silenced them with a look. "If I can't steal your man," she tried again, "at least give me some info."

"What do you need to know?"

"Anything unusual been going on here? Merc activity? Humans passing through?"

"There's always mercs here. Damn Blood Pack been hiring recruits. As for humans. Saw a couple sniffing around not too long ago. Tried getting information out of them but they wouldn't speak."

"Where are they now?"

"Keeping them in a basement somewhere. I can take you there."

"That'd be great."

The two prisoners looked nearly dead when the door opened to reveal them. But that didn't give Shepard a pause. She nudged one of them with the toe of her boot to wake him up.

"You. Speak. Now." she demanded. The prisoner looked up, shock overcoming his features.

"You...... you're that Shepard!" he managed. His lips were dry and cracked, his voice was hoarse.

"Someone, get him water before he dies on me." Shepard ordered. Moments later, a krogan appeared with a bucket. She gave the prisoner some, then dumped the rest on his face to completely wake him up.

"Now talk."

The prisoner coughed a few times before finally speaking.

"You don't got much time." he managed, a crooked smile on his face. "Because we've failed, he'll send more."

"Who's he?" Shepard demanded. The prisoner laughed, a nasty laugh that grated on her nerves.

"Wouldn't you like to find out?"

"Wrong answer, asshole." she said, taking out her heavy pistol and planting a bullet in the guy's knee. He screamed. "Be a smart ass again and the next one goes between your legs."

"And she's not kidding." added Wrex, seeming to thoroughly enjoy himself.

"Bitch!" the prisoner spat, his saliva narrowly missing Shepard's boot.

"Wrong again." she fired another shot. He doubled over, screaming. "Got anything else to say?" The prisoner only whimpered in reply.

"Shepard, don't be too harsh. We don't want him dead." Garrus chided.

"I know what I'm doing." She fired a warning shot next to the guy's head. The prisoner recoiled in fear. "Want to talk now?"

He nodded meekly. Shepard knelt down in front of him, turning his face towards her with the gun barrel.

"Good boy. Now tell me who sent you?"

"The... the Shadow Broker." he whimpered.

"Good. Why did he send you after me?"

"I don't know!" he cried. "They just told me to look for you here! Don't shoot me again! Please!"

"If you're not going to be useful, I might. So, whaddaya say, you give me what I want and I spare your sorry life."

"Alright! Alright! I'll tell you anything!"

"Let's start off easy. What's your name?"

"Jake... Jake Patson."

"OK, Jake. Tell me what you know about the Shadow Broker."

"Only what I've heard. No one's ever seen him."

"And what have you heard?"

"He wants you dead."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything!"

"Then maybe your friend over there does?" Shepard pointed at the other resident of the cell with her pistol, making Jake flinch.

"I don't know him... please, just don't shoot me!"

"Then tell me what I need to know!"

"I heard something about... what was it?.... Cerberus. I don't know. They said you pissed the head guy off or something. Then killed one of his most important agents. That's all I know! I swear!"

"You sure?"

Jake cowered from her, covering his face with his blood stained hands.

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?" She took some medi gel out of her pack and gave it to the kid. "Don't worry, you'll live. You're lucky I missed." Shepard got up and turned to face her crew and Wrex. "Let them go, Wrex. They won't be causing trouble again."

"Whatever, Shepard. Your call."

"Back to the shuttle, you two." she ordered Garrus and Liara. "I'll be right there."

When they were gone, Shepard turned to Wrex.

"You hear anything, and I mean _anything_, you tell me."

"You'll be the first to know."

"Also, what do you know of batarian slavers?"

"That's black market, Shepard. The worst kind of nightmares come from them. Why?"

"I got some data I'd like you to look over. Ran into five of them a few hours ago. You know the Normandy, Wrex. Can't spot her unless you know where to look. And I know you used to be in the business."

"I'll see what I can find. But I can't make promises." She handed him the data pad with EDI's information.

"You're the best kind of friend. Take care."

"Stay alive, Shepard."

They shook hands and Shepard left for the shuttle.


	20. Falsely Accused

Back on board the Normandy, Shepard kicked off her armor and collapsed on her bed, exhausted. It felt good to do something, good to see Wrex also. She just hoped he'll be able to give her some useful intel from the data she gave him. She laid on her back, staring at the ceiling as sleep overwhelmed her. Her eyelids closed shut and she finally drifted off.

Her nap didn't last long, however. Shepard woke with a start, nearly falling off the edge of the bed. She checked the time. Only about an hour had passed. _Damn it_...she swore, rubbing her eyes. She was still tired but she couldn't go back to sleep. Not after that dream. There was nothing to occupy her mind, either. It least it was an opportunity to go speak with Garrus. First things first, though. Shepard needed a shower and a very large cup of coffee. And food. She was starving. Shepard couldn't remember the last time she sat down to have a decent meal. For the past few months she had been living off ramen packets that she had picked up on the Citadel. Not the best nutrition for a soldier. Since they didn't have a cook anymore, no one's had a decent meal and no one bothered to go grocery shopping. Something so simple and often forgotten, yet so important. She shook her head to remove the last remnants of the dream from her mind and got up.

While taking a shower, Shepard made a mental note to do some shopping at the Zakera Cafe next time they stopped by the Citadel. She dried her hair, threw on a shirt and a pair of sweat pants, and exited the shower, trying not to step in the puddles of soapy water. Whoever had the bright idea to put the shower head right next to the door clearly had never taken a shower. Despite her best efforts, the hems of her sweat pants got wet anyway. Giving up, Shepard let the hems drop and trudged over to the elevator to take her down to the mess hall. The floor was cold for her bare feet, but she didn't notice, nor did she care. She shuffled over to the counter and took out the coffee pot. To her ire, she found that it still had old coffee grounds stuck at the bottom. Shepard shoved the pot to the side and went diving for another pan. At least maybe she could boil some water and make her coffee the old fashioned way... whatever old fashioned way was. She sighed in frustration and put the pan on the stove, filling it with water midway. Next, she searched through the cupboards for coffee before remembering that she drank the last of it not too long ago. She needed caffeine and they were out. Great. Bad dreams, dirty coffee pots, no coffee grounds, no caffeine. All amounted to a very unhappy Shepard having a very bad day. To top things off, she got cramps. Fantastic. The day could not have possibly gotten any worse.

At least not until she heard the elevator door swish open.

Shepard stood watching the entry way, waiting to see who it was. Upon seeing, she quickly ducked behind the counter, clamping her mouth shut. _For the love of god_.. she thought.

"If you're cooking, I bought food." Thane voiced, addressing the only other person in the mess hall. Her. Shepard quickly grabbed a random pot from the cupboard beneath the counter and stood up, pretending she wasn't hiding at all.

"Thought you left." she replied as casually as her voice would allow.

"I took a trip to the Citadel to check in on Nohalah and to pick up some provisions." he stated, placing some grocery bags on top of the counter that separated them. "Your water is ready." he added, nodding behind her. Shepard, glad for the distraction, turned to face the pot.

"How is she?" she asked.

"Recovering. Dr. Michel has taken her in as an assistant. And as a daughter."

"Glad to hear it."

"As am I. Tea?"

He was now standing next to her, too close. Shepard felt her face slightly redden, remembering images from her most recent dream. She took the box of tea from his hands and quickly escaped.

"You'll need a mug." Thane pointed out, seeing her run off with the pot of boiling water. Shepard suddenly felt incredibly stupid. She was acting like a child. Letting her dreams control her emotions. Composing herself, she walked over to the cupboards again and reached out for a cup. Pouring hot water into it, she dunked the tea bag and took in the full scent curling up to her with the steam. She almost chocked.

"Green apples." Shepard murmured, turning to Thane. "Where did you get this?"

"Zakera Ward. There was a human selling earth foods there."

"How did you...?"

Thane leaned against the back counter, facing her.

"When we first met, you smelled of apples. So I thought they might be your favorite."

Shepard looked into her cup, fighting back memories, tears. What was with her, anyway? Why now, of all times? Everything was just fine the way it was until they took her to earth. Now all the memories she had fought to suppress, surfaced. And not one by one. She squeezed her eyes shut, her fingers tightly wrapped around her mug. It was burning hot, but the physical pain made it easier to deal with emotional one. Shepard willed herself to push everything back down. Lucky for her, she dealt with this before and knew how to handle herself. For the most part.

When she opened her eyes again, Thane was sitting across her, looking intently at her.

"Does everything I do cause you pain, Siha?" he asked, prying the cup from her fingers as if trying to take away the memories it caused.

"Yeah. Pretty much." she replied. And as much as she wanted to sound mean and offensive, she couldn't. Instead, she gave him a half smile and reclaimed her cup. "What does siha mean, anyway? You keep calling me that."

"Perhaps I'll tell you one day." he answered, returning her smile. Shepard's eyes traveled to his mouth, the memory from the night before still fresh in her mind. Catching herself staring, she quickly turned away in embarrassment.

"Thought you were a dying man with no time to waste." she mumbled.

"There is truth in what you say." Thane conceded with a slight inclination of his head. "However, I am uncertain... of you. Your reactions, to say the least, are confusing."

"You don't say?" Shepard snorted. "You made out with me. Twice. Without my consent. And drugged me... albeit not on purpose, but still!"

Confusion crossed his face.

"Drugged you?"

"Don't tell me you didn't know..."

"Know what?"

"So you didn't know that oral contact between drell and human can cause hallucinations?"

"Hallucinations?"

"Yes. Hallucinations. Seeing things that aren't-"

"I know what it is. But I had no idea." his brows furrowed. "I'm sorry." His hand covered hers in genuine apology. He had no idea. She hit him for something he didn't know... didn't do on purpose. And just when she thought her day couldn't get worse. Lying to Garrus, falsely accusing Thane. Was it her or was she sinking into a giant pit of horrible? Her face sank. Thane seemed to notice as realization hit him. "You thought... I drugged you? On purpose?" Shepard's heart sank next, torn apart by the unmistakeable accusation in his voice. She was so screwed. She watched him as he got up, gave her one last saddened look, and walked away, leaving her and the unpacked grocery bags behind.

* * *

**A/N: Yay for short chapters! So, how will Shepard get herself out of this one???? Hurting people that love you always comes back to bite you in the ass**


	21. Start Over

"Thane! Wait!" Shepard reached after him, but he was already gone, replaced by Liara in his stead.

"Shepard! What happened?" she asked, watching Thane's retreating back. When she received no reply, Liara rushed off after him, leaving Shepard once again alone in the mess hall with the green apple tea. _Well, there goes that opportunity_, she thought. She knew Thane was a valuable asset to the team when it came to beating up bad guys. And the Reapers were mega bad guys. Part of Shepard was hoping to keep him around when the real threat came. If he left, well... She paused her train of thought. Was she just really considering it? Taking on the legion of Reapers? By her self.... Suicide mission against the Collectors? Compared to the upcoming threat, that was a cake walk. The thought was rather depressing. Shepard took a first sip of the tea. It was lukewarm which made it taste awkward. She needed caffeine. Soon.

"Shepard. I've got good news!" Garrus announced, walking toward her from his usual hang out spot.

"No way. Good news? You're not joking?" Shepard asked him skeptically when he was close enough to hear. He beamed at her, his eyes bright as diamonds.

"Good news is hard to come by these days, but I've got some for you."

"Lay it on me."

".... Is that an invitation?" he asked mischievously.

"You know what I mean, Garrus." she sighed, absolutely in no mood.

"Well, I found some upgrades."

"That's it?"

"Not just any upgrades, Shepard." he handed her the data pad he was holding. She looked over his findings and had to admit, they were pretty impressive.

"Nice. Where do we get them?"

"That's the hard part."

"I knew there was a catch. Alright, who do we need to kill to get these?"

"We may not need to kill anyone, Shepard." Garrus laughed. "Although an ass kicking sounds good right now."

"OK, I'll get you the credits, you get me the parts."

"Sounds good. You know where to find me."

He took the data pad from her hands and left, pausing half way, then turning around and heading back toward her. He sat in the seat Thane recently vacated and looked at her, all humor gone.

"About the other night..." Garrus started. "I don't know what happened. Not sure if I even want to know. But I trust you, Shepard. I know you won't lie to me."

Shepard reached out and took his clawed hand into hers.

"Garrus, I'm sorry, I didn't -"

"This isn't fair!" Liara's voice resonated throughout the mess hall. Both Shepard and Garrus turned to look in her direction. She stormed over to their table and placed both hands on top, her face riddled with anger and tears.

"You don't deserve him!" Liara shot in her direction. "He would do anything for you and you just spit in his face! How could you, Shepard! He loves you! _You_! And I don't understand why! All you've done is hurt him!"

"Dr. T'Soni?" Garrus interjected, confused.

"She's hurt you too, hasn't she, Garrus?" Liara turned on him, tears staining her blue face.

Shepard was getting really pissed off, now.

"Shut up! Both of you!" she yelled out suddenly, jumping up. "I am sick of this bullshit! Leave me the fuck alone!"

She violently pushed the chair under the table and stormed off. The elevator ride down to fourth level felt like forever. Her head spun, Liara's words still ringing in her ears. Couldn't understand why he loved her? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Liara was the one who endlessly pursued her two years ago, even after being rejected multiple times. _Couldn't understand my ass_. Shepard hopped into the shuttle, closed the hatch behind her, and set a destination. She had no idea where it would take her and it didn't matter. She just wanted to get as far away from everyone as possible. Why wasn't there an option for an all women crew? Or maybe a crew made up of her clones? She wouldn't fall in love with herself. And she didn't know why others did. Shepard just wasn't a loving type. The concept of love itself was alien to her. She would have rather taken on the Reapers all by herself than deal with this... crap.

The shuttle landed and a robotic voice announced that the atmosphere was toxic and it was recommended that the passengers wore protective gear. Shepard didn't have her armor or a breathing mask. She hadn't even consider the possibility of landing in a hostile environment, she was so used to always having her armor. This day was getting worse and worse, all because of her. Shepard hated making mistakes because usually, in her line of work, mistakes resulted in death. But this was different and she knew it.

Shepard punched in a new destination, this time carefully making sure the environment was safe for breathing. She wasn't used to being alone in the shuttle. Or being alone, period. Throughout her life, as messed up as it was, she always had someone by her side. Be it her enemy or her friend. Except now, she wasn't sure if she even had friends left. How did she get herself into this mess to begin with?

Oh, that's right. Someone had the bright idea to take her to earth.

The shuttle finally reached her destination and she unlocked the hatch. The planet was uninhabited for the most part. She stepped out and took in a deep breath of air. It was cool and refreshing. The surroundings reminded her of pictures of Earth back in its primal state over a thousand years ago. Lush, green, beautiful. And above all, peaceful. She put some distance between her and the shuttle, found a tree, and laid in the grass beneath it.

Shepard reached out to touch the leaves, knowing that they were out of reach. Just like everything else in her life. She closed her eyes, imagining what was going on the ship. Were they looking for her? Probably not. That was fine by her. But she felt like a coward. Shepard had never run away from her problems before. She complained and shot some people, but never ran away. And that's what she was going now. Hiding like a coward, like so many others had done before her. The Reapers were coming and she couldn't even face her own crew. Pathetic. Shepard squeezed shut her eyes, wishing it all away. Surely even the great Commander Shepard was allowed a lapse in judgment.

Her mind wandered back to what Mordin had said to her on their first meeting. That you cannot receive without giving, first. Had she really given her best? Or had she given at all? The answer was simple. She didn't. Shepard knew she was selfish by nature. Everything she had ever done was for her own personal gain in one way or another. And now, it was coming back to bite her in the ass. She needed to set things straight in order to move forward, in order to succeed.

As if her mind was suddenly cleared of fog and debris, Shepard had an idea. A brilliant idea, she had to admit herself. But first, Shepard needed to set things straight with her, Garrus, and Thane. Unwillingly, she picked herself up off the grass and walked back to the shuttle. When the hatch locked, she saved the location and made a note to come back here again. The clear air was all she needed to get herself back on her feet.

**A/N: So, it's a little wordy at the end and this isn't the best chapter ever, but it's a turnaround for Ms. Shepard. Or is it? Life's never easy in the fast lane.**


	22. Garrus :Confessional Pt1:

The shuttle smoothly landed inside the Normandy's shuttle bay and Shepard exited to be greeted by both Garrus and Thane, a civil distance between the two. Despite her moment of clarity seconds before, the situation felt a little awkward. She had not anticipated to face them both at the same time. But she realized that she was naive in thinking that her behavior was going to go unnoticed. Shepard walked toward them as casually as she could, careful not to show her discomfort. She had hoped to have one on one time with each, in private. Now, with both their expectant expressions, she had to compromise. Improvise. Something she was an expert at when it came to battles and interrogations and not in confrontations with the crew. But she had little choice in the matter.

"Shepard." the both greeted her. Shepard was glad that neither one of them decided to come over and hug her. Any physical contact would probably make things worse.

"Thane. Garrus. What are you guys doing here?" she asked, unsure of how else to start the awkward conversation.

"You stormed out on me, Shepard." Garrus answered. "I wanted to make sure you were OK, but you left without so much as a word."

"We both agreed that a discussion needed to be had." Thane added, looking at Garrus who nodded in agreement.

"We will have a discussion, as soon as someone gets me a cup of coffee." Shepard replied, still in slight discomfort. She tried to walk past them, but Garrus stopped her.

"Shepard, please." he pleaded, "I'm worried about you. Talk to me."

Shepard, realizing that she was stuck, backed off and sat on one of the nearby crates with resignation.

"Alright,"she sighed, "What do you want to talk about?"

"I think you should start by clarifying to Garrus the situation between us." Thane suggested. "He does not seem to believe me."

"If I was Garrus, I wouldn't either." Shepard shot at him. Then, remembering her promise to herself, retracted the statement. She wasn't going to be a bitch to them, at least try not to be. Because so far, it only got her into unpleasant situations. Like this one. Shepard composed herself and tried again. "Sorry. I will explain. There is absolutely nothing going on between me and Thane, Garrus."

"Not a good explanation considering a few nights ago." Garrus replied.

_Crap_! Shepard thought. _He was mad_.

"If we continue our relationship, you have to be honest with me, no matter how much it might hurt either one of us." he added. _Shouldn't have said that_. Now, there was no avoiding it. If life was to move forward, she had to say this.

"Garrus, I value our relationship but I cannot lie to you. Not any more. I love you. But not in a sense that you think. You are my closest friend. My best and only friend." He wanted the truth and she gave it to him. And now she saw that she had hurt him more than she could have ever imagined. She watched his face go through phases of shock, hurt, realizations, and hurt again. He tried to hide it but couldn't.

"Then why? Why let this go on so long?"

Shepard didn't have an answer to that, like so many other questions. There was what she wanted to believe and what the actual truth was. The line between the two was no longer clear. Was everything in the past really just fine or was it something she so desperately wanted to believe? Shepard didn't know.

No. She did know and it was about time she faced that. All those nagging feelings in the back of her mind. Everything wasn't fine. It only appeared that way behind the haze of the alcohol. That's why she drank. To make everything seem alright. Justified. She knew now that she was being delusional.

"Because I was selfish." she replied, looking Garrus straight in the eyes. "I never intended to hurt you so I lied to myself. To you. And for that, I am sorry." There. She said it.

Silence filled the room, amplifying the awkwardness. _Say something, Garrus! Anything_! Fear began to eat at her. Had she hurt him beyond friendship? She wouldn't be surprised if she did.

"I need to think this over, Shepard. You know where to find me." Garrus finally said. But Shepard knew that wasn't an invitation. She watched his retreating back until he was finally gone, leaving her alone with Thane. Another awkward conversation she had yet to have.

* * *

**A/N: So this is part one of Shepard's Confessions. You can guess which one is next. Poor Garrus. **


	23. Thane :Confessional Pt2:

"That was.... very blunt, Shepard." Thane said, turning her attention to him for the first time since her arrival.

"Truth often is." Shepard simply replied. "Why are _you_ here, anyway?"

"Garrus asked me to be here. Shortly after you stormed out, he came to me. We talked, but it wasn't much of a conversation. I get the distinct feeling that few like me aboard this ship."

"Liara certainly does."

"She is a friend and she knows that."

Shepard's mind went back to Liara blowing up on her. Thane must have told her that they were just friends.

"But what about you, Shepard?"

"What about me?"

"Will you one day consider me a friend?"

"Seems to me you want more than friendship."

"You have made it clear enough that you are not interested. If you do not wish it, I will not force it upon you." He sighed, both of them remembering their brief encounter in her room and in the observation deck. "I should apologize for my behavior. I rarely lose control of my body. Being around you.... I will not allow that to happen again."

"Well, since we're laying it all out on the table, I suppose I should say sorry as well. From what I understand, I hit you unnecessarily." He accepted her apology with a slight nod. "I thought you were taking advantage of your drell physiology and I reacted without thinking."

"That is understandable."

"...It is?"

"There was little consideration on my part. We both acted irrationally. And now we must be faced with consequences. You must make your peace with Garrus and I must make mine with you."

Shepard looked at him, slightly bemused.

"I think you got the last part backwards. Shouldn't I be making my peace with you and not the other way around?"

"If you wish."

"Are you always this vague or am I just special?"

A small smile played across his lips as he looked up at her.

"You are very special, Siha."

"Not what I meant, but I can work with that." she replied, crossing her arms. "So tell me. What does siha mean?"

"Siha is one of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu. Fierce in wrath. A tenacious protector. Few are privileged to meet even one."

"Sounds like you've met one before me."

"My wife, she was-" he paused. "You could say she saved me. Irikah opened my eyes to a whole new life. I was grateful for that. But I could not protect her. I returned to my battle sleep, accepting my inevitable death. I killed those responsible, making sure their death was slow and painful. That was the first time I had ever lost control. My anger willed my actions. After that, I did not expect to live long. As I mentioned before, the Dantius commission was to be my last. I had accepted the fact that I will not survived it. Until I met you. I was uncertain at first. Your actions went against my every moral. You left death and destruction in your wake. You were rash and quick to pull the trigger. Easily angered. But you always put your crew's safety before your own. Even if it was for selfish reasons. You fascinated me, but also confused me."

"Confused you? I barely talked to you!"

"Not in that sense, no. It was your choices. Your moments of hesitation. You hid so much from everyone and I wanted to find out what it was. What made you, you. You have more love in you than you care to admit."

"I've heard _that_ one before. From you, as well."

"Are you so unwilling to face your inner self?"

"Compassion and love has no place in my line of work. I thought you'd know that by now."

"Have you ever tried?"

Shepard had to admit that no, she never had. It just never occurred to her. She learned to do whatever gets the job done the quickest. And that was by pointing a gun at someone. But the tiniest part of her knew that Thane was right. It was that tiny part that kept her from handing over the Collector base to the Illusive Man. That tiny part that spoke to her better side.

"Not everything has to be resolved with a pistol, Siha."

"Worked so far for me." Shepard smirked. But Thane's serious look wiped it off her face.

"Has it?" he asked. "Truth is difficult to face, especially in yourself. I hope this time you will think about what I said."


	24. Tough Love

**A/N: Chapter rewritten/edited for better content.... hopefully. Thanks, K. Kboodle for your suggestion and keeping me from writing mediocre chapters ^^, I hope this is an improvement**

* * *

"Well, that didn't go as planned." Shepard said to herself as soon as Thane was gone, hands on her hips. She was probably no longer on speaking terms with Garrus, Thane was not interested in her anymore, Liara hated her guts, Jack tried to kill her, Mordin was dead, Grunt was too busy, and everyone else was with her only because of a pay check. Life. Sucked. This was what probably led her to distance herself from people. They all eventually went their own way. Or died.

Step one: realizing that you have a problem. Check. What Thane had said was true. She did have issues opening up to people. With good reason. There were usually two common reactions to her past. One, people ended up looking at her as a sociopath. Or two, they felt sorry for her. Neither one was pleasant. She didn't really care if people considered her a sociopath, but she didn't need them to feel sorry for her. It made her feel pathetic. This was why she was the only one who refused therapy sessions with Kelly no matter how many times Kelly pushed her into it.

Step two: confronting your issues. Soon to be in progress. Shepard knew what she had to do. She had completely destroyed Garrus' trust and now she had to work to get it back. Garrus was the only person on whom she could wholly rely on. Without his trust, she would lose her most valuable ally and her most valuable friend. At least with Thane she was still on speaking terms. Shepard took one last look around, locked up the shuttle, and headed for the elevator.

Up two levels, she exited and headed toward the main battery room where Garrus tirelessly worked on upgrading the Normandy. She was probably the last person he wanted to see right now, but tough luck. She was going to talk to him if it's the last thing she did. The door slid open revealing Garrus' back.

"Shepard. Need me for something?" he asked casually as if their conversation minutes ago never happened.

"Do you have a minute?"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"Damn it, Garrus, you're always calibrating! What the hell is there left to calibrate?"

"Daily upkeep." he supplied lamely. Shepard knew he was lying.

"I'm going to talk and you're going to listen. If you want to calibrate while listening, fine. But you will hear what I have to say."

"Of course, Shepard." Garrus turned to face the controls again, pressing random buttons. Shepard suspected it was because he simply didn't want to face her. That was fine by her as long as her words got through to him because what she had to say was important. At least to her.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I didn't mean to be so blunt."

"If you came here to apologize, Shepard, don't worry, I'm fine."

Shepard grabbed his arm and turned him around. The corners of his eyes were wet.

"You're not fine, Garrus. Damn it! I'm sorry! OK?"

"If that's how you feel, Shepard, I accept it. There's no point in talking about it anymore. Please."

"I don't want to lose our friendship over this. I know I'm being selfish, but you're important to me."

"Not important enough, clearly."

"Now you sound like Kaidan."

"Why is that a bad thing? You did the same to him, didn't you?"

"Now that's not fair, Garrus."

"Why isn't it? Why is it ok for you to hurt others and not ok for others to hurt you?"

"I apologized!"

"I think it will be better if we do not talk for a bit. I need time to think about what you've said."

He was pressing the same button over and over again, making the console beep in protest. Shepard wasn't about to give up.

"Garrus, I don't want to fight with you. But if I have to kick your ass in order for you to listen, then I will." Garrus actually chuckled at that. At least that was better than being ignored.

"You won't last long against me, Shepard."

"I may not, but I sure as hell will try. I value your friendship, Garrus, and I _will_ fight for it."

He turned around to face her again.

"There's the old Shepard I knew. The Shepard from whom I learned so much to become what I am today. I hope to one day trust you again as I did before. But for now, I need time. And I would appreciate it if you respected that."

"Tough balls, Garrus." She was going to let him off the hook this time, but intended to come back each day until he finally forgave her. So every day, she came down the the main battery room to talk to him. Even when they didn't talk, she simply sat on the crate in the corner and watched him work, which was more often than not. Eventually, his silence started to bother her.

"Now you're just being ridiculous."

"Shepard! I didn't even notice you there." Garrus replied, turning around to face her in mock surprise. "What can I do for you?"

"Really, Garrus? Are we really going to resort to this... this pettiness?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, Shepard."

"Come on, I think you do."

"Uh, Commander?" Joker's concerned voice rang over the comm. "You might want to get up here. ASAP."

"What is it Joker? This better be important." Shepard barked in reply.

"Life and death situation? Just, come up here and see for yourself!"

"Joker, if this is life threatening then move the damn ship to another location. You know we have no defenses!"

"No, Commander, seriously, you might want to see this.."

"Fine. On my way." She turned to Garrus and growled, "You and I aren't done." Garrus only shrugged and turned back to his console. _Stubborn turian_... Shepard stalked off to the elevator to see what was so important.

"This better be good."

Joker turned to face her.

"Who put acid in your coffee this morning?"

"Did _you_ go out and buy more coffee?" she accused him. "Didn't think so. Why did you call me up here?"

"Sheesh..." he mumbled. "EDI picked up some really unusual readings from a local space station."

"That's it? That's all you wanted to show me?"

"No. The weird part is that these readings are very similar to those of a Reaper you checked out a while ago."

Shepard straightened up. A Reaper?

"Details, Joker."

"Multiple life forms detected." EDI announced.

"Do they know we're here?"

"They shouldn't. Our emissions are hidden."

"Good. I'm taking the shuttle in, then."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Commander. Reaper signatures?"

"Well, then, good thing you're not the one in charge. I'm taking the shuttle. Stay hidden."

"Fine. Your call. I'm just sayin'. Reapers."

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him and Joker raised his hands up in defeat, returning to his work.

"Garrus, Thane, suit up." She announced over the comm. "Then meet me by the shuttle. On the double!"

She herself ran up to her room to get her armor, then down to the armory to get her weapons. Thane was already there, putting together his sniper rifle. Shepard reached into her own locker and pulled out her trusty geth assault rifle, her heavy pistol, SMG, and just in case, the CAIN. The weapon that never failed to impress or get the job done. She strapped the weapons in their respective places and briskly walked out.

"Shuttle. Now." she ordered Thane over her shoulder. He nodded in reply, collected his arms, and followed behind her.

"What's the situation?" he quietly asked, falling in step with her.

"I don't know yet. That's why we're going to check it out."

"I see. Are you certain that it is a good idea to bring us both?" he inquired, indicating himself and Garrus.

Shepard stopped in her tracks and turned to face him.

"Are you doubting my judgment?" she hissed. Without budging, Thane replied,

"Yes."

The reply momentarily stunned her. Did he just contradict her? On _her_ ship?

"Did you just.... Off my ship. Now!" Shepard shouted at him, pointing to the nearest exit. "Here, you either follow my orders or you get the fuck out! Is that clear?"

"Shepard, I don't think you fully understand the situation."

"I don't understand the situation, huh? _I_ don't understand the situation? I'm sorry. When did you become such an expert on situation analysis?" As soon as the words left her mouth, Shepard had the sudden urge to bite her tongue. She was an idiot. But she was also getting tired of being second guessed. And Garrus was getting on her nerves. She was so irritated she had half the mind the storm the base by herself. Which wouldn't be that bad, but she might end up dead. And dead was not on today's list of things to do.

"Forget I said anything," she muttered. "Let's go. We've got a job to do."


	25. Double Trouble

"This is... a Cerberus facility?" Shepard breathed through her helmet. Their logo was everywhere. "EDI said there were life forms on board. Keep your guard up." She cautiously opened the door leading into the station, pointing her rifle in the direction of potential enemies. The door swished open, leading them down another hallway.

"Something's not right, Shepard." Thane warned her.

"Brilliant assumption." Garrus piped in.

"Shut it, you two. You want to let the whole place know we're here?"

"Wouldn't be so bad. We've fought our way out of worse situations."

"Garrus, I said zip it!"

She checked the air pressure to make sure it was safe and took off her helmet. The air was crisp for a space station and Shepard took in a lungful, letting her hair loose.

"Alright, people, stay alert. We're going in." She quickly tossed the helmet back into the shuttle before going forward. "If you find anything interesting, let me know."

She opened the door labeled Main Lab and they walked in. The lab was deserted except for a few operating tables. Shepard cautiously walked over to one of them and nearly gagged. Bloody limbs were meticulously spread out on the metal surface, arranged by type. What the hell were they doing here?

"This blood is synthetic, Siha." Thane pointed out behind her, his hand on her shoulder nearly making her jump.

"Shepard? You might want to see this." Garrus called her from the other side of the lab. She walked over to where he was.

"What the-?"

There were ten heads displayed on the table, a small pool of synthetic blood underneath each. Shepard's eye twitched. She was staring at ten copies of herself.

"Well, this can't be good." Garrus supplied unhelpfully. "I say we get rid of these."

The eyes in the heads stared blankly back at Shepard. It was really creeping her out. She switched to her pistol and put a bullet through one of the heads. It exploded into a mush of brains and wires. Shepard took a step back in horror. They were cloning her. Or at least manufacturing copies of her.

"Keep moving." she managed, pushing Garrus out of the way and stumbling over to the next door. Did she look like that on the inside too? Fake blood and wires? Miranda told her that they wanted to rebuild her as she was before. But they did rebuild her. Like a robot... She didn't want to think about it. "I said keep moving!" she barked at them both, opening the door. They were greeted by a small group of mechs who didn't present them with much trouble. Shepard overloaded their sensors and they exploded, clearing their path.

"Shepard, I detect multiple life forms ahead. Please be careful." EDI piped up through her head set.

"Noted. You two, stay behind while I scout ahead." She gingerly stepped over the broken mech parts and crouching against the wall, shuffled over to the corner. Seeing no one ahead, she waived Garrus and Thane to follow. However, regardless of her care to stay unnoticed, one of the doors down the hallway swished open and blue suns mercs poured out.

"Shit!" Shepard quickly ducked behind the wall again, ordering Thane behind her and Garrus to take cover behind a crate on her opposite side. Gun fire filled the hallway and Shepard watched in horror as Garrus ran right in the middle of it, firing with deadly precision at the mercs. Within seconds, they were all down and silence filled the station. Shepard, now pissed, stormed over to Garrus.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You could have gotten killed!" she yelled at him.

"I thought you'd have my back." he replied, rather coldly.

"I gave you an order, Vakarian. In combat, I expect you to follow it. Is that clear?"

"Crystal."

"Good. EDI, report."

"There is some movement ahead, but no life signs."

"Where's the Reaper signature coming from?"

"I believe it is originating from the same area as the movement."

"Thanks, EDI. Stay in close formation, people. This could get ugly."

She pressed her ear against a door EDI cautioned her about.

"Fuck. Geth. Both of you stay in cover while we take them out. I'm opening the door." Shepard tagged the door switch and ducked behind the wall as it swished open. A volley of shots whizzed through the entry way, scorching the wall. As soon as a break came, she nodded at both Garrus and Thane and they rushed into the room. Ducking behind cover, Shepard quickly assessed the situation. Five geth, two mechs. Not a problem.

"Garrus, sniper rifle. Thane, sub-machine gun. Now." She herself switched to the assault rifle and fired at the nearest geth, downing it in seconds. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Thane switching back to his sniper rifle. She fired a couple carefully aimed shots in his direction to warn him and he switched back to his designated weapon, saying something about not preferring it. "If I end up dead because of either one of you, I swear to god, I will come back and kill you myself!"

Finally, the geth and the mechs were down and Shepard took a moment to check out the room. Aside from a couple wall safes and a progress log, nothing else was of value. The progress log was written by a Dr. Lie'Ore, detailing on the growth of muscle tissue. Her muscle tissue. The log mentioned imperfections and fast deterioration due to unnaturally quick growth and Shepard wondered if her muscles will eventually deteriorate at a fast rate because they were grown. She didn't have details of her own reconstruction and it was starting to bother her.

"This door is locked, Shepard." Garrus announced.

"Then it must be the room we're looking for." She hacked the door and opened it without thinking. Getting information was her top priority.

"Please! Don't shoot us!" a salarian doctor pleaded, cowering under a surveillance console.

"Us?" Thane asked behind her, also noticing that there was only one person in the room.

"Talk fast or you'll be breathing out of a new hole in your head." Shepard warned the salarian, pointing her rifle at him.

"I- I can't say anything! Or they'll kill me!"

"_I'll_ kill you if you don't start talking."

"I'd rather die by your hand than by hers!"

"Fine, works for me." Shepard took aim and was about to fire when Thane stopped her.

"Siha, I don't think this is necessary."

She jerked her hand away from him and begrudgingly put her rifle away.

"Lucky bastard. The drell just saved your sorry ass. So you better start talking."

"Dr. Lie'Ore? What's going on?"

Shepard whipped out her pistol and quickly turned in the direction of a very familiar voice. She was looking at a mirror image of herself.

"Dr. Lie'Ore?" her copy asked again. A shaded visor was covering its eyes and Shepard realized that it must be blind because it hadn't noticed them yet. It was her, down to the very last detail. Except that it was in a wheelchair.

"There's..... two of you.. Shepard." Garrus managed, staring at her copy.

"Two of me?" the copy said, sounding very confused. Cerberus had two years to study her. Of course it made sense that they'd make copies. But staring at a mirror image of herself was just unreal.

"Where were you born?" she asked it.

"On Earth." it replied, still confused.

"Where are your parents?"

"They abandoned me when I was a child."

"When did you join the military?"

"When I was seventeen."

This was getting very creepy very fast.

"Who killed Saren and destroyed the geth?"

"I did."

"How did you die?"

"I was spaced trying to save Joker. Cerberus rebuilt me."

The memory reconstruction was perfect.

"What happened after they rebuilt you?"

"They brought me here to work with Dr. Lie'Ore."

So, everything up to her death, the memories were the same. This thing was... her. Cerberus had stolen her every memory and placed it into this shell that looked like her. What were they hoping to achieve?

"What the hell is going on here?" Shepard turned on the salarian again. "Tell me or I'll blow your brains out. This time for sure. Start by explaining _that_!" she demanded, pointing at her clone.

"I can't!"

"I'm not in the mood for your shit right now. Tell me or I'll make you suffer. And trust me, you don't want that. I have a fucking PhD in killing."

"You should listen." Garrus affirmed. "It's better for your health."

"OK! OK! I'll tell you! I promise! Just please put the guns away! They make me nervous!"

"Should have thought of that before working for Cerberus." Shepard spat. "Now, explain!"

"I would like an explanation, too." her clone added.

"No one's talking to you, clone." She shot at it, shutting it up.

"That's Shepard 2.8. The only successfully rebuilt.. you. All others never lasted past a couple months. We've tried reconstructing them basted on 2.8's parameters, but without success. Even she's not perfect. Her muscle and bone reconstruction did not develop correctly. Her mind is exceptional, however. She is very smart and Cerberus allowed me to keep her as an aide."

"Your Shepard 2 point whatever is an abomination. What you're doing here wrong, period. I'm shutting this place down along with you."

"I'm.... a clone?" 2.8 asked in disbelief.

"Yes, you are. Get over it. You won't live long enough to remember, anyway."

Without hesitation, Shepard put a bullet between the clone's eyes.

"Oh... you shouldn't have done that..!" the salarian cried, hiding deeper under the console, his whole body shaking. Shepard had a feeling it wasn't because her gun was once again pointed at him. The console next to the security surveillance blinked on and an image of the Illusive Man appeared.

"Shepard. We meet again." the holo said in an unpleasantly smug tone.


	26. Stuff of Nightmares

"Hey, Commander?" Joker's voice rang in Shepard's ear, "You might want to get out of there. EDI's picking up a lot of movement in your area. And by a lot, I mean you will die if you don't start running."

"Who else is here?" she demanded from the salarian who only cowered deeper under the desk.

"You shouldn't have disobeyed me, Shepard." The Illusive Man announced. "Now you will suffer the consequences."

"Why don't you come out and face me like a man!" Shepard taunted the holo. "Oh no, that's right. You don't have the balls to do it, do you? Instead, you send idiots to do your dirty work for you. One day, though, I will find you and I will make you pay."

"I gave you a second chance, Shepard! You should be grateful!"

"Oh, believe me, I am." she hissed menacingly and without a second thought shot at the console. "You," she grabbed the salarian's arm, dragging him from under the table. "You're coming with me. Where do you keep all the date?"

"Right... right here." he chocked out, pointing to a small computer by the door.

"Good. Get it."

The salarian quickly ran to the console. Just to make sure he wasn't deleting anything, Shepard pointed the pistol at the back of his head. This data was invaluable and she wasn't about to lose it.

"OK, it's all on this data pad."

She took the pad from his shaking hands and shoved it into an armor compartment specifically designed to hold such items.

"Let's go, people! Joker, have the Normandy ready for pickup!"

"Aye aye, Commander."

Before they could leave the room, however, the door opened and they were faced with a whole armada of her.

"I knew it... I knew it..." the salarian whimpered. "Bad idea. Bad idea."

"Shut up or I'll send you out there on your own!" Shepard yelled, pushing the salarian behind cover. This was probably going to be the worst day of her life and will likely result in many nightmares. Shit... This was something she was never trained for. Killing an army of herself. They weren't even armed. She took out the Cain. One shot. She just needed to get one shot off. Just not here. What were they waiting for? They weren't moving, just staring blankly at her. Shepard took out her pistol and shot at one of them. The effect was instantaneous. It blew up with the power of a small grenade, taking a few clones along with it, creating a devastating chain reaction that blew Shepard across the room, slamming her into the console. Lights popped in her eyes, disorienting her. What the hell?

"Shepard! Are you alright?" she heard Thane's voice through a haze. Then both his and Garrus' faces swam into vision. She grabbed Thane's outstretched arm and got up. If there were more of these and they kept blowing up, this station was going down in flames. They needed to get off, fast.

"Commander? EDI just registered a massive explosion. What's going on?"

"Not now, Joker!" she holstered both her pistol and the Cain. "No one shoot, understood?" Both nodded at the same time. "I'm going to run ahead and clear a path. You follow."

All their guns put away, Shepard ran for the door, trying not to trip over body parts. The salarian wasn't far behind her. As they ran, doors opened on all sides letting out more clones and even husks. They were so screwed.

"Find cover!" she shouted behind her, shoving the salarian in Thane's direction. Shepard made sure all three were sufficiently hidden and took out the Cain. If she wanted to get her crew off this station alive, this was the only way. She began charging it up as husks rushed toward her. Then, just as soon as they appeared, they dropped, a bullet sized hole in their heads. Shepard whirled around to see Garrus behind her with a sniper rifle.

"Shit, Garrus! Get your turian ass behind cover!"

"Don't be stupid, Shepard. You know the blast will kill you!"

Shepard felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to face a husk. She punched it in the gut, sending it flying backwards. That didn't help much as she was getting swarmed by them and her clones, surrounding her completely within seconds. _Shit shit shit_! She tried to fight through them, but there were too many. She knew there was only one thing left to do. She sent a biotic push at Garrus to make sure he was a safe distance away. Then, maxing out her shields, she powered up the Cain again, aimed at the closest husk, and pulled the trigger. The blast deafened her and she watched everything around her disintegrate in silence. There was a mild throbbing in her right arm but she couldn't raise it up to look at it as her whole body was pushed against the ground with the force of the explosion. Ashes rained on her, littering the floor. Her vision blurred as her senses returned. Her arm was more than throbbing now, it was in full blown pain. She tried to get up, but her body still refused to move. Shit! She wasn't going to give up that easily. She will not let Cerberus kill her. She will not!

Fighting back against the pain, Shepard managed to get to her feet. The height difference made her swoon and she collapsed back to the ground, cursing. Why wasn't her arm providing support? Her whole body felt weightless and everything was beginning to be tinted red. Her shields weren't enough to protect her against the blast. Shepard was fading and she knew it.

"Fuck you, Illusive Man.." she managed before losing consciousness.

When she awoke, she found herself in the Normandy's med bay. Her body was numb but responsive.

"Shepard-!" she heard Garrus cry out nearby. She turned her head to face him. His face was riddled with concern.

"What happened?" Shepard asked him, trying to prop herself up on her elbows. He rushed towards her and pushed her back down, catching her off guard.

"Please, stay down." he almost pleaded, nervously glancing to her side. Suspicious, Shepard raised her right arm to see what was going on. To her complete and utter shock, everything up to her elbow was gone. What remained was a sad and pathetic stump, bandaged and useless. She stared at it in disbelief. Half of her arm was gone....

"I'm dreaming, right?" she asked Garrus, her eyes going back and forth between her arm and his face. His expression told her everything. She wasn't. It was really gone. Her firing arm was gone and now Commander Shepard was as good as dead. All because of that moment's hesitation, that little distraction. Caused by Garrus. Anger washed over her and she lashed out at him, punches, screams, biotics, anything. And he just stood there, taking every hit. With every other punch, her anger escalated. The knuckles of her left hand were bloody from beating on Garrus' armor and left bigger and bigger blood smears on it. She couldn't feel the pain, however. In fact, she felt absolutely nothing. Everything was slipping away, the edges of the room melting into nothingness. Garrus' face distorted, warped, turned into her own. Before she knew it, she was surrounded by her clones, again. Closing in around her, chanting her name. She reached for a gun, only to remember she couldn't fire any more. They were all on top of her, clawing at her with their bloody limbs and burnt faces. She screamed for help, but her voice was lost in darkness. Everything _was_ darkness. She was surrounded by void. Suffocating. Clawing at her own throat. Her lungs on fire from lack of oxygen. She was dying. Again. Her whole body jerked and her eyes flew open.

She wasn't dead. Not yet, anyway. Shepard took stock of her surroundings. It wasn't Normandy's med bay. It was Dr. Michel's clinic. She wasn't dead. It was only a nightmare. Only a nightmare. Her breathing and heart rate finally slowed down. She lifted her right arm just to make sure. It was there. Completely wrapped in bandages, but intact. Her whole body was pretty much wrapped up in bandages. Most of them were coming loose, probably due to her intense movement in her sleep.

"Oh! Shepard! You're finally awake!" Dr. Michel's happy voice rang in her ears.

"Finally? How long have I been out?" Shepard managed to reply. Her face was stiff.

"You've been out for quite a while! Your friend here has been watching over you since you got here." Dr. Michel smiled warmly, holding a small green hand that was part of a body which hid behind her. Shepard's heart jumped. She had not seen Nohalah since her mother's death. And that was a while ago. How would she react to seeing her again? Nohalah's face peeked from around Dr. Michel's body.

"Your face is all puffy." she laughed, blowing her cheeks up in mock imitation. Shepard tried to smile back at her, but her face, being all puffy as she just found out, refused to budge.

"You suffered one nasty injury, Shepard. It's a wonder you're still alive."

"Yeah!" Nohalah added joyously. "Your face was all burnt up! I helped fix it!" A huge grin played across her face, her hands clapped together in pride. "One day, I'm going to be a doctor just like Dr. Mi."

"I feel so good I've no doubt you'll make an excellent one." Shepard said, gingerly touching her face which was in fact, swollen out of proportions.

"What happened, Shepard?" Dr. Michel asked, gently pushing the protesting child out. "Thane rushed you in but wouldn't say anything."

"It's a long story. Where's my armor?"

"Shepard, there was no armor when he brought you in. Whatever was left of it was wedged into your skin. It took some time to get all the pieces out of you."

It took a moment for Shepard to register that.

"If you ask me, the armor saved your life." the doctor added, checking her vitals.

"What about the data?" Shepard asked, already knowing the answer.

"If there was any data on you, it's certainly gone now."

_Shit_! She almost died for nothing! That data was everything!

"Where is Thane?"

"Don't know. He left a few hours after dropping you off. Didn't say where. Asked me to not let visitors in, though. Strange."

"I know where Uncle Thane is!" Nohalah piped up from around the curtain. "He said he was going to Flux!.... Who's Flux?"

"Nothing for you to worry about yet, child." Dr. Michel chided.

"But, I'm a big girl!" Nohalah pouted, her lower lip stuck out, her body in a defiant pose.

"You're very smart, too. But Flux is not a good place for someone like you."

"Oh!" Nohalah exclaimed. "It's a place!"

"Yes it is. Now fetch me some antibiotics, please."

Nohalah nodded and skipped off, pleased with herself.

"She's handling her mother's death well." Shepard said.

"She's not usually like this. I think she's just happy to see you."

"When can I go, doctor?"

"In your condition? Probably never." Dr. Michel joked.

"It's important. Saving the whole galaxy kind of important." Shepard pressed, not exactly amused by the doctor's humor. Taking the hint, the doctor replied.

"Well, your body is pretty much stabilized, your heart rate and blood flow normal. Tissue regeneration is nearly complete. The only thing wrong is cosmetic damage. You're going to be left with some nasty scars."

The word 'regeneration' rang in her mind, bringing back images of body parts and synthetic blood.

"One more thing, doctor. Is my blood... real?" Even in her mind the question sounded absurd.

"That is an odd question. Yes, it is real. Why do you ask?"

A wave of relief washed over Shepard. She wasn't completely fake after all.

"Thank you, doctor."

"No problem, I guess?"

"I'll be taking my leave, then."

"As your doctor, I should say no, but I know I can't stop you. Wait here, I'll bring you a change of clothes."


	27. Flux

Trying to dress while her body was numb was a lot harder than Shepard had anticipated. She nearly fell a few times trying to steady herself against the wall. But eventually, she managed to slip into the casual Citadel wear. The dress felt awkward and Shepard had to take a moment to get used to the long skirt. She had never worn one before, not even as a child. Out of habit, she tried to roll up the sleeves, but the fabric was skin tights and refused to budge.

"Sorry, it's the only thing I've got." Dr. Michel apologized, clearly noticing her discomfort.

"Should have just gone in the nude." Shepard joked. Dr. Michel only shook her head in disapproval.

"How are you feeling?"

"Feeling? I'm supposed to feel stuff by now?" Shepard asked, slightly bemused.

"The numbness is from the anesthetic. It should be wearing off now."

"Not feelin' it, doc."

"Trust me, you will soon. Take these." Dr. Michel advised, handing her a bottle of pills. "You'll need them when you regain all your senses."

"That's comforting..." Shepard snorted. Considering the extensive surgery she must have received, feeling pain again was going to be very, very unpleasant. She took the bottle from the doctor's hands and was about to shove it into a pocket. Only to find she had none.

"Anything smaller?" she asked. Dr. Michel rummaged in her drawer and pulled out a couple strips that looked suspiciously like band aids.

"Don't tell anyone I gave you these." she said. "They're prototypes and still technically illegal in Alliance space. Put one right below your hair line in the back of your neck. That should dull the pain."

"Are they safe?" Shepard asked, concerned. She didn't care if they were legal or not. She just didn't want to end up dead if they didn't work.

"As far as I know, no side effects. I've tested a few on myself." the doctor replied, lifting her hair up to show the strip on her neck. That was enough for Shepard. She took the strips and hid them in her cleavage.

"Can I come with you?" Nohalah begged from behind, tugging on the skirt of her dress. "I want to see uncle Thane, too!" Her eyes were huge and full of hope. Shepard just couldn't say no to that. She owed the child, anyway. And Flux was pretty much next door.

"Only if it's ok with Dr. Michel."

"Please?" Nohalah begged, "I'll be good! I promise!"

It didn't take long to convince the doctor and they were soon on their way to the club. Shepard wasn't even sure if Thane was there to begin with. She didn't know exactly how long she's been out.

It was crowded as usual, but it wasn't difficult to spot a drell among the tide of humans and turians. He was sitting by himself in a corner, a cup of presumably tea in front of him, his eyes closed. Nohalah spotted him first and letting go of Shepard's hand, ran towards his table, calling out his name. It was perhaps the most touching scene she had ever witnessed in her death ridden life. She had never seen Thane smile like he did when he saw Nohalah running at him with her arms wide open. Come to think of it, she never really saw Thane smile at all. Shepard stood there, watching them converse happily until Nohalah pointed at her and Thane's eyes turned in her direction. A puzzled look came over his face which then turned into an amused expression. She suddenly felt really awkward wearing a dress. But she refused to show her discomfort. Putting on a defiant expression of her own, she waded through the crowds towards his table.

"Don't you dare laugh." she warned him. "I may be on pain meds, but that won't stop me from putting a bullet in your head."

"You don't have a gun." he casually pointed out, the amused smile still on his lips.

"Not a limitation I haven't faced before."

"You can't kill uncle Thane!" Nohalah protested, wrapping her tiny arms around him.

"Well, then. He'd better wipe that smirk off his face."

"I see you have recovered." Thane noted, a hint of relief in his tone. "Although, your face has seen better days." he added jokingly.

"Yeah, well, should keep annoying drell away from me."

"We shall see."

"So, Dr. Michel told me you brought me in. Where's Garrus?"

"Who's Garrus?" Nohalah asked curiously.

"I... asked him to remain on the Normandy for the duration of your recovery."

"_Asked_?"

"Who's Garrus?"

"Yes, _asked_. He is watching over Dr. Lie'Ore. They are analyzing the data recovered from the station."

Shepard's heart skipped a beat. The data? They recovered the data pad?

"It wasn't destroyed?" she asked.

"It was. The data pad you had was destroyed along with your armor. But the doctor had a copy stored in his omni tool."

"Smart. Did they find anything?"

"Who's Garrus?" Nohalah persisted, interrupting them both. "And who's doctor Layoreh? I've never met a salarian before! What color are they?"

"Not now, Nohalah." Shepard shushed her.

"I haven't heard anything, but if you are feeling well, we can return to the Normandy."

Shepard would be glad to return to the ship and get herself out of this dress. Her skin was starting to itch as her senses returned. Itch and hurt. Everywhere. And the skin tight fabric wasn't making it any easier.

"Yeah, let's go." she agreed, getting up.

"But," Nohalah protested, "you just got here."

"You can come with us." Shepard replied without thinking.

"Siha, you can't mean that." Thane interjected. "It is not advisable. She is just a child."

She looked down at Nohalah and her big pouty lips.

"You heard the man. It's out of my hands. Plus, Dr. Michel needs your help."

Nohalah sighed a big dramatic sigh.

"You're right."

"Good girl. I'll take you back."

Shepard advised Thane to wait at the Flux while she took Nohalah back to Dr. Michel's office. She said her thanks and good bye's and headed back to the club. The loud music was making her brain vibrate, causing her vision to fall slightly out of focus. She tried to shake it off, but it only made it worse. The anesthetic was definitely wearing off. Her whole body was starting to ache. Her right knee suddenly went out, causing her to fall. Shepard grabbed on to the closest thing to her to steady herself.

"Hey! Got offa me!" a male voice resonated in her ears. She looked up to see who it was. A drunk male customer. "How 'bout you show me some respect, bitch!"

Before Shepard knew what was going on, the man's hand was on her chest, pulling at her dress. Disgusted, she punched him square between his eyes. That only seemed to make him more mad and persistent. She watched him as he regained his composure and rushed at her. Shepard silently cursed at herself for agreeing to wear the stupid dress. She couldn't move very well in it. Not only that, punching that ass hole in the face tore her bandages and re opened the wounds on her knuckles. She nursed her wound as the jerk stumbled toward her. He took two steps before he was on the ground again. Thane was above him, pointing his pistol at the guy's chest.

"I would not recommend that." he warned the guy as he tried to get up again, his voice a low murmur, threatening. When the guy gave up, Thane grabbed her arm and led her out of the club.

"I could have handled him!" Shepard shot at him, slightly irked. She didn't like others fighting her fights.

"No, you couldn't have." he retorted. "You can barely move in this dress, let alone stand."

"Gee, thanks prince in shining armor."

Thane gave her a quizzical look. Shepard shook her head in reply.

"...Never mind. Let's just get back to the Normandy." She tried to free her arm from his grip but he did not let go. They stopped walking and Shepard shot hit a questioning look. He was looking at her like she was some long lost family member that's just been found, alive.

"What?" she asked him. "Something on my face?"

Despite her efforts to free herself, Thane pulled her in closer into his arms, crushing her against his chest. His face was buried in her hair and Shepard thought he was going to make out with her, out here in public. But he just held her, his heart beating against her chest, counting out the seconds.

"I thought I lost you." he whispered. Shepard didn't quite know how to respond to that, what to do with her arms. She just stood there, like an idiot. Uncertain. He pulled her away after what seemed like forever and looked her in the eyes, gently tucking a stray hair behind her ear. "I've lost Irikah, I've nearly lost my son. I cannot lose you as well."

This was getting awkward, at least for her. His gentleness surprised her and she didn't know what to do with it. She didn't know what to do with herself. Shepard didn't mind the hug. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she needed one. Their eyes met. His were deep, dark obsidian. It was almost like staring into a void. So easy to lose oneself without proper navigation tools. An image from her dream came to her mind and before she could stop herself, she did the unthinkable. Her hands cupped Thane's face and she kissed him. Shepard could taste the tea he was drinking earlier. Berries, bitter and sweet. So like him. So unlike her. What was she doing? When she pulled away, there was a shocked expression on both their faces.

"I... have to go." Shepard finally managed, forgetting that they were both heading for the Normandy. The dress wasn't helping, either. She took a step too wide and nearly fell flat on her face, but Thane caught her around her waist and pulled her back up.

"If you weren't so injured, I would laugh." he commented, letting her straighten herself out.

"Yeah, laugh it up." she shot at him, feeling her face redden. She reaching into her bust to pull out a strip for her pain as a distraction. Thane looked at her, a little perplexed. "Don't get too excited, I'm not stripping for you." Shepard added, noticing him looking at her hand. She fumbled with the strip for a minute, trying to figure out how it worked. When she finally did, she gathered up her hair and stuck the thing at the nape of her neck, just below the hairline as Dr. Michel had advised. As soon as it was on, it sent a small electric current down her spine, making her straighten up.

"What is that?" Thane asked in a concerned tone, noticing her reaction.

"It's something Dr. Michel gave me for the pain." Shepard replied, rubbing the back of her neck. At least it was working. The pain was quickly ebbing away, bringing back the much welcomed numbness. "Come on, we need to get back to the Normandy."


	28. Blackmail

Shepard sat at her desk, blankly staring at the screen displaying the newest issue of Fornax. She felt like she dreamed up the last few days and now that she was awake, she wasn't quite sure what to do. Between being attacked by a clone army of herself, nearly dying as a result, then making out with Thane, voluntarily so, Shepard felt really overwhelmed. Add on top of that excruciating body pain and her day was made complete. The pain strips that Dr. Michel provided her with only lasted an hour tops despite saying on the packaging that they lasted all day. She peeled off the last one with dissatisfaction and tossed it to the ground. Did Superman have it this hard too? Shepard vaguely remembered reading the vintage comic as a kid. Good guy versus bad guy. Good guy always won. She only read one issue because she didn't like it. It was too unrealistic. Superheroes were a lie and she was no exception. There was a faint knock on the door. She had locked it with explicit orders for EDI not to let anyone in on the grounds of cutting her wires if she did.

"Shepard, it's me." Garrus' voice floated in, muffled by a foot of steel. "Can we talk?"

What was there to talk about? She pretended she didn't hear him. But he didn't go away. Shepard could almost feel him standing by the door. After a few minutes, she got up and opened the door. He was standing there as she had imagined, but in his hands he held a cup. A cup of good old fashioned freshly ground arabica bean coffee. He extended it out to her as if presenting a gift. As soon as the smell hit her nostrils and made its way into her brain, her day became a little brighter.

"Garrus, you're the best." she said, taking the cup of steaming liquid heaven from his hands. Shepard went back into the room and sat on the couch, Garrus following behind her. He sat patiently, watching her, letting her take her first sip undisturbed. It was glorious, it was amazing, it was heaven. As the hot liquid traveled down her throat, she felt her body relax. How had she survived without coffee all these days? Shepard had started drinking it as a teenager to curb her addiction to drugs. Of course it didn't work but she had developed a taste for fine coffee. Her addiction wasn't kicked until she joined the military and they made her quit cold turkey. The worst few months of her life. Shepard was glad for it, however. She noticed Garrus fidget in his seat out of the corner of her eye. She was taking her time and she knew it, and it was making him impatient.

"Can we talk, please?" he finally said, sitting on the edge of the couch, his whole body tense.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Shepard shrugged. Garrus took in a huge breath of air and continued.

"I've been thinking. About what you said."

"You'll have to specify. I've been saying a lot of things, lately." she interrupted.

"What you said about me. Us."

He was going to have _the_ _talk_ with her. And she wasn't even ready. Shepard was suddenly glad she had a cup of coffee in her hands. At least it provided a distraction, something else to look at.

"I've thought about it and I realized that you're right. When you first suggested it, I thought it might complicate our friendship, and it did. You've been my greatest friend."

"Garrus-"

"Please, hear me out. I care for you and I would want the best for you. What we did in the past was foolish at best." he paused. "Damn it! Why can't I sound coherent?" He was on his feet again, facing the barren fish tank.

"Because we are both idiots?" Shepard supplied. Garrus turned to face her, trying to smile and failing.

"I suppose you're right. It's just, watching you almost being killed...again... It made me realize. Fighting with you is pointless and a waste of time. I want us to remain friends. Not having you as a friend is worse than having you dead."

"Are you saying you'd rather I died?" she cocked an eye brow at him. A look of confusion and shock crossed his face.

"No no! That's not what I'm saying at all! What I'm trying to say is -"

"It's ok, Garrus. I get what you mean."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. So, we're good then?" she asked him.

"Yeah," he replied, extending his hand for a handshake, "I suppose we're good."

Shepard put the cup down on the table and walked over to Garrus, giving him a hug. They may be just friends, but it didn't mean they had to be formal. She knew Garrus well enough to know that this will hurt him for a while. But better have a true friend than a fake romance. And she knew that he understood that.

"Thank you, Garrus."

"Well, I... better go." he finally said after a moment of silence. Clearing his throat, he added "Calibrations and stuff. You know."

"Riiight. Don't let me stop you, then."

"Oh, and one more thing," he added as he was about to exit her room, "I'm glad you made it."

As was she. Being dead was just not appealing to her. But it seemed like death found her appealing because it took every opportunity to take her away. Somewhere, someone was watching over her and she was glad for it. That night, she slept soundly for the first time in a long while.

"Shepard," EDI's electronic voice cut through her sleep, "Garrus would like to see you in the Lab. He says it is urgent." Shepard groaned and rubbed her eyes. She had fallen asleep on the couch and now her body felt like it was contorted in the most uncomfortable way. On top of the pain from her injuries which returned without mercy. If she had any ryncol, she'd take it. But alas, the only thing she had was leftover coffee from what, the night before? What was the time? She had completely last track of it.

"Garrus would like to see you in the Lab." EDI repeated. Shepard's brain was still asleep so she only heard 'Garrus' and 'Lab' and somehow the two did not compute. She scratched her hair and yawned.

"What's all the noise, EDI?" she inquired, downing the last bit of coffee. The bitterness woke her up completely. Nothing like cold, day old coffee to perk one up.

"Garrus has urgent information for you." EDI replied. Shepard jumped up, hitting her knee on the edge of the table. Cursing, she bent over to nurse it. Important? Could it be...?

"Why didn't you say so?" she accused the AI.

"I did, Shepard." EDI replied in her own defense.

"Whatever, tell him I'll be right there!"

She was just about to strip off her pants to change when the door opened to reveal her current motley crew. All four of them. Shepard paused mid strip and looked in their direction. Liara was looking awkwardly away, the salaian doctor was eyeing her like she was a lab rat, Garrus had an amused look on his face, and Thane looked almost embarrassed. The salarian just creeped her out. She understood it was because he's been studying her body parts for the past few years, but it didn't make it any less disturbing.

"I was on my way." she lamely supplied, putting her pants back on. At least she had underwear on and most of her body was wrapped in bandages so there wasn't much to see. Garrus put his serious face back on and handed her one of the data pads he was holding.

"This is the data we recovered from the Cerberus facility." he said solemnly. "You will not like this." Shepard took the pad from his hands. It contained correspondence data between Cerberus and what the? The Council?!

"Is this real?" Shepard demanded from the salarian who was trying to hide behind Thane. But Thane pushed him up front again. He nodded meekly. "How long have you known this?" she continued.

"Since one of them visited us."

"Who and when. And I want a straight up answer. No bullshit. You lie, I space you."

"He was turian and he visited about a year ago."

A turian counselor. She only knew one and he was a douchebag.

"That's not all." Garrus interjected. "The Illusive Man has been paying everyone under the table to keep everything under wraps." he said, handing her another data pad. It contained every transaction up until the facility was destroyed. This was blackmail material. The best kind.

"Can these be traced?" she asked Garrus, handing him back the data pads.

"I can try. But it will take time."

"Ask EDI for help."

"I will be happy to help, Mr. Vakarian." EDI announced.

This was her break, her time to finally act without rushing in blind. Something primal and predatory stirred within her and it made Shepard happy.

"Let's go pay the councilor a visit." she said, a menacing grin spreading across her face.


	29. Citadel Mishaps

**A/N: Oh god!! New chapter!! Sorry to everyone for taking so long! I've been playing Mass Effect on PC lately. Which is unusual for me because I'm a 360 fan. But I gotta say, playing on PC has been a lot of fun! I've got some screenshots up on DeviantArt if anyone cares to check them out. Just search for _sumerkhan_ and you'll find my gallery ^^**

**Anyway, this isn't super long so as a result I feel like I'm cheating all you guys _. Again, sorry!! I'll try updating regularly again.**

* * *

The elevator doors swished open and Shepard stormed in, guns blazing. Garrus was at her side, the salarian doctor meekly trailing behind, and Thane trying to tell her that this was not a good idea. When she ignored him, he grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side. It took Garrus a moment to realize that she was no longer by his side. When he did, he swiftly turned around, grabbed the lost and confused salarian doctor, and walked over to where Thane had dragged her.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded, staring down the drell.

"What you seemingly can't." Thane retorted just as icily. Shepard glanced from one to the other, feeling like she missed out on something. She was under the impression that the two put their hate aside after the incident at the Cerberus station. Apparently, she was wrong.

"You will let go of my hand or I will have to forcefully remove it." she warned Thane who, despite the threat, did not let go. "I'm asking nicely."

"Will you listen for a minute?" Thane forcefully demanded in reply. His back was to Garrus and his grip was strong. Shepard shut her mouth. She was not used to her crew mouthing off at her. Let alone ordering her. She expected complete submission to her authority and usually got it. Thane's behavior threw her off guard, more and more frequently it seemed. Without hesitation, she pressed the barrel of the pistol against his forehead.

"I said let. Go." she hissed, her nostrils flaring. They stared into each other's eyes for a minute until Thane finally released his hold on her arm. Shepard holstered her pistol and rubbed the spot where he held her, glaring at him. He, in turn, shook his head in disapproval.

"I see you will not listen to me." he finally said, then turned and walked away.

"Fine. Go. See if I care!" Shepard shouted at his retreating back. She noticed Garrus giving her a skeptical look. "What?" she shot at him defensively.

"That was... a bit harsh, Shepard. But I can't argue with your methods."

"That's because you know what will happen if you do." she replied. "Let's go."

Shepard didn't know where the council was located so she walked over to the pier and started pressing buttons on the console. Eventually, she found the option to summon the council and pressed it. To her ire, the console requested citizen information and reason for summons. Shepard typed in her name, her citizen ID number which she barely remembered, and in the area for Reason, she typed in 'important shit'. The console thought for a moment before a window popped up.

"Damn, Shepard, they must really hate you." Garrus whistled next to her, looking at the pop up.

"Bastards." Shepard spat, glaring at it as it blinked red back at her.

_Citizen Commander Isa Shepard temporarily blocked. If this is in ERROR, please see your local Representative to resolve this issue. We appreciate your cooperation. C-Sec Authorities. _

There was no way she was going to go see Udina for this. Shepard had seen enough of his face to last her a lifetime. Two lifetimes.

"Isa?" Garrus asked her, clearly amused by this new found knowledge.

"Say that name again and I'll kill you myself." Shepard threatened, but Garrus only laughed. "You," she grabbed the salarian, "Put your information in. Now." She tried to close the pop up but it persisted, refusing to return her to the main screen.

"So, is Isa your full name or part of a full name?" Garrus persisted. "I've never heard you use it."

Shepard turned on him. "Garrus." she gritted through her teeth. "If you get me the council I will tell you all about my name."

"Deal." he beamed at her and bending over the console, pressed a few buttons. The pop up vanished and the screen returned to its original state. Shepard punched in him in the shoulder when he grinned at her after finishing up. "What! I still know my way around C-Sec security." he said.

"You couldn't have mentioned this earlier?" Shepard shot at him as the three pedestals at the front hummed to life.

"Shepard. We should have known pronouncing you dead and blocking you in our systems wouldn't keep you from coming back." the turian councilor spat.

"Yeah, yeah, nice to see you too, Councilor." she replied back. "You know I missed you."

"Shepard, please, you've already caused enough trouble for us. Why do you keep coming back?" the asari councilor pleaded.

"I've got someone I want you to meet." Shepard said, bringing the salarian doctor to the front. She watched their carefully guarded expressions as a small wave of shock crossed their faces. It was so brief that she would have missed it had she blinked.

"I don't see what Dr. Lie'Ore has to do with this." the salarian councilor demanded.

"Don't play dumb with me, councilor." Shepard accused him. "I know exactly what you people have been up to."

"And what precisely is that?" the turian councilor asked, his voice low and threatening.

"You've been working with Cerberus and I have proof." she replied without pausing for a breath. As soon as the words left her mouth it seemed like the whole tower went silent.

"What manner of accusation is this?" the salarian councilor demanded furiously.

"I would also like to know." the asari councilor added.

"Don't tell me you don't know?" Shepard asked skeptically. She looked from one face to the next, each one as confused as the next. Except for the turian councilor who looked rather infuriated.

"How dare you accuse us of working with Cerberus." he hissed, his holo nostrils flaring. "How dare you say that after you yourself worked for them. Openly!" he shot her an accusing look. "This meeting is over!"

And just like that, their holos disappeared, leaving Shepard, Garrus, and the salarian doctor standing in silence. She furiously turned to the console again, demanding it to summon the council again but it beeped in protest. Damn it, she had evidence! How could they just dismiss her like that? Shepard turned on Garrus next, expecting him to work his C Sec magic again but he shook his head, telling her that not even he could coerce the Council to grant her an audience. She cursed out loud, turning heads and earning disapproving looks. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a couple security guards approaching them. With both hands on her hips, she turned to face them.

"Ma'am, we've been asked to detain you. Please cooperate with us and there will be no trouble." the turian guard stated, his voice monotonic as if reciting. The human next to him took out a pair of cuffs, nervously eying Garrus who had assumed a battle stance, his talons inches away from his pistol.

"Go to hell." Shepard spat, her own fingers itching to pull the trigger. "Tell the council they can shove their rules and regulations up their sorry asses. I'm done here." She was about to walk around the turian guard when he stopped her, pushing her back.

"I don't care who you think you are, lady, but you're not going anywhere and that's that." he threatened, pointing his clawed finger at her face. That really irked her. She scowled at him and pushed his arm aside.

"I have no hesitation in firing a gun at an unarmed security guard." she breathed out. The security guard got right back in her face.

"I'd like to see you try."

Shepard pulled out her heavy pistol and fired square between his small beaded eyes. His expression was that of complete and utter shock as his body hit the metal paned floor.

"Oh my god! What have you done!" the human guard cried out, staring at the dead body in front of him, his mouth hanging wide open.

"Shepard, I think that was going a bit far." Garrus commented in the background, eying the body with mild distaste.

"He asked for it." she scowled in reply. "And anyway, Spectres are above the law."

"You're Shepard?" the guard asked incredulously, diverting his attention from the dead turian. "But... you're dead!"

"Yeah, I am. Which means you never saw me." she threatened him, pointing her pistol at his chest.

"Y-yeah! Okay!" the guard bowed out, letting her pass through uninterrupted. Shepard stormed past him and over to the shuttle terminal, requesting a shuttle to take them back to the Normandy. She didn't feel like walking.

"What now?" Garrus asked, dragging the lost salarian behind him.

"We come up with a new plan."


	30. Dreams under the Stars

Sitting in her cabin, Shepard frowned. There were a lot of things she hated. But the one thing that annoyed her the most was being wrong. This time she was and she knew it. Thinking about it now, she realized that it was stupid rushing in like that. And now, a valuable member of the team was gone. Shepard had the urge to kick herself for that one. Instead, she reached for the bottle of brandy sitting on the table and poured herself a glass. When did she lose all reason? When did she stop thinking things through before acting? Truth was, she never did think things through. Most of the time, she acted without hesitation and generally things turned out right. At least she thought so. And now it was all coming back to bite her in the ass. She fought with and nearly killed Jack, lost Grunt to Tuchunka, lost Thane due to her behavior, and nearly lost Garrus because of a stupid decision she made over a year ago. And on top of it all, Harbinger was coming. The more time passed, the antsier Shepard got. She had to admit that at times even she thought the whole Reapers threat was just a myth. She may hate the Council and the Alliance and pretty much every other organization out there, but people were right to doubt her. Shepard silently poured herself another glass and downed it in a couple gulps. Damn heroics.

Setting the glass down, she rubbed her eyes and stretched. Suddenly, the bed looked really inviting. Shepard downed the remaining brandy straight from the bottle and shuffled over to the bed, collapsing on top of it. The room blurred in her vision and she felt like the window above her pressed down upon her, the void swallowing her whole. Shepard welcomed it with open arms, stretching them upwards to greet it. In the back of her mind, she wondered how long that window had been there and why she noticed it only today. As it swam in and out of focus, Shepard traced the path of the passing stars in the air with her fingers. Her arms were unsteady from the alcohol and eventually became too heavy to continue holding up. They dropped on the bed and she spread them outward, taking up the whole width of the bed. Laying there like that, Shepard got the sudden urge to make snow angels. When she was a kid, they used to make angels in the sandbox, but they still called them snow angels. She remembered laying in the warm sand, looking up at the late evening sky. The cool breeze brushing against her bare skin. Back then, it didn't matter if she wasn't wearing a shirt. No one cared, even as she got older and more mature. The evening winds brought cool air that felt amazing against a sun scorched body. The way it tangled in her toes, caught in her hair, twisted around her fingers, gently brushed against her bare breasts. Shepard smiled to herself. Those were the days. Laying naked in the moonlight, looking up at the stars, and wondering what's out there, if there was more to life than that sandbox. Her last thought before drifting into sleep was her thinking that maybe she should have agreed to a couple years in prison instead of joining the military.

_She felt disembodied, almost surreal, wandering the hallways of the house. It wasn't empty, far from it. People littered the rooms, chatting, singing, eating. Was it a party? She wasn't sure. It was her house, she knew that. But these people, who were they? All these faces, so unfamiliar. As she passed them, they looked at her strangely. Shepard shrugged off their looks. It _was_ her house. At least the pictures on the walls said so. It felt alien to her. Like she didn't belong here. She found herself walking down a flight of stairs and through glass double doors outside. It was chilly, but she was wearing a jacket. Pulling it closer around herself, she went forward. Going where? There were trees in all directions and children playing. Concrete stairs leading nowhere. Concrete walls. Despite the oddity, it felt right. She pressed her palms and her forehead against one of them. It was cold, sending chills down her spine. But it didn't matter. None of it did. A wave of depression hit her like the concrete wall she leaned against. She felt like a ghost wandering around, surrounded by laughter, joy. _

_ She was missing something and it hurt. But what? Pushing herself away from the cold concrete she walked up a set of stairs. A pair of children ran up to her and asked her if she wanted to play with them. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to go play with them. But the words that came out of her mouth pushed the children away with looks of hurt on their faces. They ran off, mumbling about how mean she was. She watched their backs disappear in the trees. _

_ As they vanished, despair washed over her and a tear ran down her cheek. She angrily wiped it __away. Shepard didn't cry. Tears are a sign of weakness. She didn't even know why she was crying in the first place. But the sadness was still closing in around her, suffocating her. Her feet involuntarily carried her forward until she found herself standing in front of an entry way to a concrete shelter. Dim yellow lights stood by a single bed illuminating a person, a female, she didn't know who. She was pregnant. Next to her stood someone else. Someone so familiar she had to hold herself back. His face was sad, riddled with shadows cast by the dim lights. He was smiling, but his smile was forced. She couldn't see his eyes, but that was because they were already as dark as the void itself. _

_ "Thane...." she whispered to herself. Then, as if thinking it too loud, clamped her mouth shut with one hand. Everything made sense. The depression, the despair, the sadness, the emptiness. He had moved on, found someone else. Leaving her on her own. Unable to look anymore, she hid herself behind a wall, fighting back tears, hoping he didn't notice her. A gentle hand on her shoulder. She whirled around to come face to face with his obsidian eyes. His hands were on her face, his mouth slightly parted. He wiped a tear off with his thumb. _

_ "Siha-"_

_ "Don't call me that." she shot angrily at him, pushing his hand away. He had moved on. Why was he here now? His touch brought everything to the surface. She choked, her throat tightening up. _

_ "I'm... sorry."_

_ "Don't." she cut him off again, turning away. The tears came freely now. He took her face in his hands again and turned her to him. His touch was warm compared to the cold outside. _

_ "But, I love you." he said, "You." _

_ His eyes looked so deep she felt they saw her very soul. She couldn't help it, she looked up at him as his face leaned in closer. Closer. Her heart rate picked up._

Shepard woke with a start, her knuckles white from clutching at the sheets so hard. What the hell was that? Her heart was beating a million times a minute. The vividness of the dream scared her. It wouldn't have been so bad had it been some random person. But why did it have to be _him_? She sat up, squeezing her eyes shut, willing herself to forget the dream as she had so many other times. But it persisted in much the same manner Thane did. Shepard raked her fingers through her tangled hair, pushing it back out of her face. She wasn't sure what was worse. Her dreaming of unrequited love with Thane or her actually not being repulsed by it. A shower was in order as well as another bottle of brandy. But before she could get out of bed, the door to her room swished open. Shepard looked to see who it was and wished she hadn't.

"You know, Thane, you are like this annoying cold that you just can't get rid of no matter how much medication you take." she scowled, falling back down into the pillows.

"I'm sorry? I'll return later." he apologized.

"Too late. You're here already. So speak." Shepard closed her eyes, trying not to think about the dream. Dead puppies, she kept telling herself in her mind over and over again. Dead puppies. It didn't do much good.

"I heard what happened on the Citadel."

"So what? Don't expect me to tell you you were right. Because I won't."

"I- That's not what I came for."

"Then what?"

He sat in a chair next to the bed, looking intently at her.

"Please don't look at me like that." Shepard requested. Bad enough she couldn't get the dream out of her mind. She didn't need him staring at her to remind her.

"Sorry."

"And for the love of all that's holy, stop apologizing. Makes me sound like a jerk."

"As you wish."

"I wish you'd tell me why you're here. And don't say it's to make sure that I'm alright because that is the lamest excuse in the galaxy."

"You have restricted me from apologizing and from making sure you are fine. That leaves me with nothing else to say."

"Then this conversation is over. The door is that way."

He didn't move.

"Do you need me to hold your hand and guide you to the exit?" Shepard asked, looking at him, slightly irritated. She had never met anyone so persistent. In reply, Thane extended his hand, a small smile playing across his lips. He obviously knew she was just kidding.

"You are a very difficult person, Shepard."

"As are you." she retorted. "Where are you going with this?"

"Nowhere."

He still had that small smile on his lips and it made Shepard feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Then what brings you all the way up here?"

Thane hesitated for a moment before answering.

"The stars." he replied.

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him.

"The stars?"

"Yes. I miss looking up at the night sky back on Earth. Our home world never had skies like that. The atmosphere was always clouded by dust. Even on Kahje I could never see them. The clouds always got in the way."

"That's what the observation deck is for." Shepard commented.

"Yes. But the view from here is so much better."

To her complete surprise and shock, Thane stood up and, sitting on the bed next to her, looked up at the sky light. His head fell back on the pillows that she vacated moments before. She was so taken aback by this action she wasn't quite sure what to do next.

"Makes you feel insignificant, doesn't it?" he said, his voice a murmur, a hum that reverberated in his chest. Despite the gravity of the statement, his expression was that of complete peace. "You may be difficult, Siha. But all things worth keeping are."

* * *

**A/N: So, did anyone else ever notice the sky light in shepard's room?? I was playing earlier today and looked up and there it was. I've been playing this game since it came out and never noticed it before.... o_O.... and I've had about a thousand different play throughs  
**

**Anyway, I think it's so romantic ^^. Now those cuddle scenes in the game have so much more meaning.**


	31. Misguided Interpretations

"Join me, Shepard." Thane encouraged her, scooting over to the side to make room for her. "The view is quite spectacular."

"No, thanks." she replied, eying him suspiciously. He was a little too close and a little too casual for her liking. Whenever someone came up to her room, it wasn't for a casual chat and star gazing. They either had information for her or wanted something. So far, Thane had neither provided her with useful intel or asked for anything. If he had motives for coming here, he certainly wasn't revealing them.

"One thing I learned over the years is that we must appreciate the little things in life. I have spent too many years dead, never noticing the beauty this galaxy has to offer. Moments like this make life worth living." Shepard watched his face as a small smile played across his lips. It was a private smile, though. As if he thought of something that made him happy. "I saw Kolyat." he softly continued. "Captain Bailey has been taking good care of him."

Shepard blinked. She couldn't quite figure out where this conversation was going. Not that she couldn't hold a regular conversation, but this whole situation was rather weird. Still, she couldn't help but take stock of his full body, cushioned by the many pillows that littered her bed and the fluffy blankets. It gave him the appearance of being surrounded by clouds. Thinking about bedsheets, it suddenly occurred to her. When was the last time she washed them? Generally, Shepard wouldn't care about something as trivial as this. But she didn't know how keen a drell's sense of smell was. And why in the world did she even care? It wasn't like she was trying to impress him. His body certainly impressed her, though. She had seen him only once without his shirt and she wasn't really looking that time. He had a perfect assassin body. Lean, muscular, lithe. Every curve showed through his form fitting outfit. It was so different from Garrus' body who's natural armor made him appear angular and solid.

"Shepard, you're staring." his bemused voice cut through her reveries.

"Ever thought of modeling for Fornax?" Shepard replied in turn, unembarrassed of being caught.

"The thought had not occurred to me, no." he said, his brows furrowing slightly. "I would not have thought you found my body attractive."

"Don't get funny ideas, now."

His brows furrowed a little further. The pillows combined with his body and his eyes and that mouth, perpetually in the slightly parted state, indeed made him look extremely attractive. Still quite inebriated, Shepard decided to have some fun. She waited until he relaxed again and closed his eyes then made her move.

She nimbly swung one of her legs over him and positioned herself on his hips, watching him as his eyes flew open in surprise.

"Shepard. What are you-"

She pressed a finger against his lips to silence him, then let it gently slide down his chin and his ribbed neck to his chest, eliciting a soft purr from him. Shepard smiled triumphantly at his reaction. This will make him think twice before coming to see her again.

"Shepard... please." he managed. "Stop."

"Don't you want this?" she teased, pressing her free hand against his inner thigh, feeling with pleasure his muscles tighten under her touch.

"Shepard, you're drunk." he breathed, his voice a little heavier.

"It's the little moments that count, right? Isn't that what you said?" she replied, leaning in close. So close the tips of her hair brushed against his skin. So close, she could smell the tea he must have drank before coming here. Close enough for their noses to almost touch. She needed to do this. If not for him, then for her. To prove to herself that her dreams spoke lies. But being millimeters away from him, such proximity, her heart rate picked up.

"Not like this, Shepard." Thane pleaded, gently pushing her away. "I don't want you to regret it."

Shepard scowled. He was ruining her fun and she wasn't about to let him get away with it. She let her hand slide higher up his thigh, excruciatingly slow, making sure he felt everything. His sharp intake of breath was strangely satisfying.

"You say no but your body says otherwise." Shepard whispered against his lips. The palm of her hand now fully pressed against him and she felt his breath leaving him, tickling her skin. She smiled.

"Siha... please." His hands grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away, more forcefully this time. Shepard fell back into the array of blankets and glared at him.

"Then what the hell do you want?"

"Not this." he replied, shutting his eyes.

"God fucking damn it!" Shepard cursed, throwing a pillow at him. Getting up, she stormed off into the bathroom. She was more mad at herself. Mad at the fact that she wanted to continue, wanted him to love it, want it. Mad that he refused her! Not like what? What other way was there? The rejection brought back the memory of the dream with feelings so real they hurt. She felt a knot form in her throat and got even more mad at herself for feeling like this. For making a complete idiot out of herself. And it proved nothing except that she was developing some sort of feelings for him. _Dammit!_ She took in a deep breath and tried to relax, slow down her breathing, her heart. It wasn't easy. Part of her wanted more. Needed that satisfaction. When Shepard opened the door again, Thane was still there. His eyes were closed but his body betrayed his concentration. His one arm was draped over his forehead, the other by his side and one of his knees was raised. It was odd having him there, seemingly so relaxed. So fitting. How could he tell her he loved her then so heartlessly refuse her? Shepard went back to the bed and laid down next to him.

"Why do you refuse?" she asked, turning her head just enough to see his face. When he didn't answer, Shepard propped herself on her elbow to get a better look at him. His breathing was steady, his eyes closed. If she didn't know any better, she would have thought that he was asleep. Grabbing the nearest pillow, Shepard swung it around and hit him on his chest, throwing him out of a very delicate balance. "Quit pretending you're asleep and answer me!" Thane caught the pillow and wrapped his arms around it to prevent her from hitting him again. His eyelids lazily opened and he looked at her.

"Because you're drunk." he simply replied.

"So what if I am? You're in my bed. I have every right to do what I want to you!" Shepard shot at him, pulling the pillow out of his grip. It didn't budge. Her strength was no match for his. And she was pulling hard. A big mistake because seconds later, she was on her back, Thane above her, the pillow between them. He had released his hold on it and it sent her tumbling. He was looking straight at her, through her, his expression utterly serious.

"Is this what you really want?" he asked, frowning. Shepard couldn't respond. She just stared into his dark eyes, stupefied. She wanted to play with fire and now she was about to get burned. But she couldn't bring herself to say no. Why couldn't she just throw him off and out of her room? Why did his eyes paralyze her? His touch sent shivers down her spine? Why, all of a sudden, did she want him so bad? Her heart was beating so loud she thought for sure he heard it. She watched as a billion expressions crossed his face, each one a brief existence. He bit his lower lip and Shepard felt the sheets by her head bunch up. He was fighting for control. But screw control! She licked her lips seductively, making sure he was watching. Saw his eyes trace the path of her tongue.

"Thane.." she breathed out to make things worse.

"Why do you do this to me?" His words were strained, a low murmur, and his eyes were partially closed. He sighed, grabbed the pillow and rolled over on his back. She looked at him, pissed.

"I don't understand you, Krios." Shepard replied, thoroughly frustrated. "You proclaim your love yet you refuse me when I practically throw myself at you!"

"Because I know you have more self respect than that."

She shot him an angry look, knowing once again that he was right. He was always right. It was stupid, but it made Shepard mad. She threw off her shirt and pants and jumped under the covers, turning away from him to face the opposite wall, the fact that he was still in her bed completely slipping her mind.

* * *

**A/N: Poor Thane v_v'. all he wanted was a friendly chat. Shepard and her misguided interpretations. They get her in trouble all the time. It's getting to a point where even I'm mad at her for being such a bitch.... _**


	32. Security Footage

**I'll be your dream **  
**I'll be your wish **  
**I'll be your fantasy. **  
**I'll be your hope **  
**I'll be your love **  
**Be everything that you need. **  
**I love you more with every breath **  
**Truly madly deeply do.. **  
**I will be strong I will be faithful **  
**'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning. **  
**A reason for living. **  
**A deeper meaning.**

* * *

The next morning, at least Shepard thought it was morning, she had completely lost track of time, she woke up with a massive headache and no recollection of the events from the past however many hours she was out for. Her head felt like it was about to split into a million pieces, violently. She groaned and tried to get up out of bed. The whole room tilted to the side and spun. What the hell did she do last night? Last day? Whatever. It was hard to tell time when they were out in space. It was always night unless the lights were on. At that particular moment, the lights were off. Shepard turned over in her bed, hoping that maybe she could fall off the edge and get herself up that way, but in the process hit something solid. Whatever it was, it moved. Slightly alarmed, Shepard protectively pulled the blankets around her and as the whole room spun out of control, lost her balance and fell down to the floor with a loud thud. Within moments of her fall, two hands were around her waist, picking her up. She panicked and retaliated. Her physical combat training switch flipped on and she threw whoever was behind her over her back and onto the bed, hopping on top of them to pin them down. Shepard was about to twist the head off when the perpetrator spoke.

"That's pretty impressive, Shepard."

She paused mid move and took a good look for the first time. The lighting wasn't good but the features were unmistakeable. The pale blue reflecting off of Thane's skin made him look strangely surreal with the color completely disappearing into his eyes. Shepard crawled off of him and back into bed, rubbing her forehead to make the headache go away.

"What are you doing in here, Krios?" she asked, trying to steady her breathing. Every heartbeat resonated in her head, making her feel worse with every passing beat. "More importantly, why were you sleeping in my bed? I nearly killed you!"

"You were dangerously close to hurting yourself." he replied, moving in close to her. "Among other things..." He took her hand into his and gently caressed it. Shepard quickly withdrew it, holding it close to her chest. She felt something coarse wrapped around it. Looking at it, she found that it was bandaged. "You fell on some broken glass." Thane commented, taking her hand back into his and slightly lifting the wrappings. "It is not as bad as I had feared."

"Broken glass?" Shepard asked, confused. Then realization hit her. "Oooh, shit. I drank last night, didn't I?" The headache made sense now. Then another thought came to her. Thane was here. In her bed. And she was in her underwear. She quickly turned to him. "We, uh... didn't do it, right?" Thane tilted his head to the side in question. "You know... _Do it._" Shepard persisted, indicating the bed. When he finally figured out what she was talking about he shook his head no.

"Nothing happened, Shepard. Don't worry."

Shepard sighed in relief. That was a load off her shoulders. The question was, what _did_ happen?

"How long was I out? And where's my aspirin??" she demanded, rummaging through her bedside drawers, looking for her pill bottle. Instead of helping her look, Thane gently pushed her back into bed and put a blanket over her.

"You need to relax." he murmured, brushing the hair out of her face. His touch was cool against her hot skin and Shepard wished he'd just keep his hand there. "Stay here. I'll return in a moment." She watched him get up and put on his jacket in the light of the fish tank, the blues bouncing off his fluid muscles. What made the whole scene even better was the fact that he was completely unaware of his own body's attractiveness. Or at least that was the impression Shepard got. She closed her eyes and tried to relax when he left the room moments later. The fact that she couldn't remember the last few hours bothered her. Shepard didn't like not knowing. But she supposed it's what she gets for drinking. She was glad that the lights were off, at least.

She began to drift off again when Thane returned. He sat on the bed next to her and handed her a steaming cup along with a plate of something solid. She looked at him suspiciously.

"It's not poison. I promise." he smiled. "Eat it, you'll feel better."

She cautiously took the cup from his hands and inhaled the scent. It smelled sweet, comforting. She took a sip. The liquid was strange. She never had anything like it.

"What is this?" Shepard asked Thane, looking over the rim of the cup.

"Something I learned from Kaliyah. It is safe for humans, don't worry."

Shepard took another sip and as the hot liquid traveled down her throat she could already feel it working. The throbbing in her head ebbed away.

"Tell me, honestly, what happened?" she asked him, holding the cup close to her chest. "No bullshit."

"You sure you want to know?"

"Everything."

"You went through three bottles of alcohol. Talked nonsense for an hour. Tripped over the table. Knocked over the wine glasses. Fell on the glass shards. I had no idea humans can bleed so much."

"Oh god... what did I say?"

"Just nonsense." he reassured her. She looked at him long and hard.

"...bullshit. What did I do? Tell me or I'll-"

Thane interrupted her by taking the cup from her hands and put in aside. When he knew it was safe, he leaned in and kissed her.

"Shh, Siha. Relax."

Shepard's heart skipped a beat. How can such a simple gesture have such a profound effect? His fingers brushed against her cheek in comfort.

"Take it easy."

She had a feeling he wasn't telling her something. Something big. And it was slightly bothering her. She somehow knew that she did something stupid or said something she shouldn't have. Being drunk brought out the worst sort of pessimist out of her.

"If you're okay now, I'll go." he offered, getting up. Shepard only looked up at him. Despite having just woken up, she felt suddenly tired. "If you need anything else, you know where I am."

When Shepard woke up again, she was alone. Her headache was completely gone and her body felt revitalized. She yawned and looked at the clock before remembering that it no longer worked. They lived in the age of space travel yet no one could make a decent time piece. She stretched and got out of bed. The room was still dark so she flipped the lights on. And saw the room. It was a mess. Someone clearly tried to pick up a little but gave up. The furniture was askew, there were feathers everywhere, three empty bottles stood on a table, a picture frame turned face down next to them, and a bloody bandage. Shepard scratched her head in amazement. Must have been a wild party. She slipped on her shoes and headed for the elevator. Coffee.

As soon as the doors to the third floor opened she could smell it.

"Oh joy!" Shepard proclaimed as she entered the mess hall. "Whoever made coffee gets a promotion." It was Joker. He looked at her as she entered and gave her a funny look.

"Um, Commander?" he said, slightly blushing and turning away. "Your, uh, clothes." Shepard looked down and realized she had none. Aside from her panties and bra. Her body temperature was high so she must not have noticed the cold.

"Get used to it, Joker. New casual attire for the Normandy." she joked.

"Yeah, um, ok. I'll be going now. Pilot stuff to do." he mumbled, shuffling past her with his cap down.

"Do I really look that bad?" Shepard asked Liara who was sitting at the table, pouring over some data pads. Liara looked her up and down.

"I've seen better."

"Ouch. That hurt." Garrus commented from behind.

"Garrus!" Shepard greeted him but he walked right by her as if she wasn't even there. She called out again thinking that maybe he didn't hear her. With the same result. Was he ignoring her? A little irked, she walked over to him, grabbed his arm and turned him around to face her.

"What the hell, Garrus? Is there a problem?"

He turned to face her, his expression unreadable.

"Problem? No problem."

"Then why are you ignoring me?"

"I didn't hear you." he said briefly then turned back to what he was doing.

"If you want to know, I would ask EDI if I were you." Liara piped in, not taking her eyes off her data pads.

"What would EDI know that I don't?"

"She's got security footage."

"Security footage? And why would I need security footage?"

"I think Dr. T'Soni is referring to previous night." EDI chimed.

"Great," Shepard grumbled, "the whole ship knows something and I don't. EDI, send it to my room."

"Yes, Shepard."

Coffee completely forgotten, Shepard went back up to her room to check this security footage everyone seemed to know about. She switched on her private console and clicked on the file. What she saw shocked, embarrassed, and angered her all at the same time. She didn't know what was worse. That she nearly raped Thane, that Garrus walked in on them, that she spilled her whole life out to Thane, or that the whole crew knew about this. Or even worse, Thane lied to her. She knew he wasn't telling her something. Bastard. She threw on a shirt and a pair of workout shorts and headed down to life support to have a chat with him. When she found it empty, she checked both observation decks which were also deserted.

"EDI, get Thane down here. Now."

"He requests that you see him in the weapons room." EDI's response came a moment later.

"Tell him he either gets his ass down here or I come up there and toss him out the airlock."

"He doesn't believe you'll do it." EDI replied.

Shepard clenched her fists, holding herself back from punching the nearest object.

"Fine. If he wants to be like that." she gritted and took the elevator to the CIC. Thane was standing in Jacob's old spot, cleaning out his sniper rifle, giving it his undivided attention. His hands moved steadily, caressing every bit of metal as if it were his lover. But Shepard didn't notice.

"You lied to me!" she accused him as soon as she entered.

"Shepard." he greeted her calmly.

"I saw the security footage. You forgot to mention I sexually assaulted you." she shot at him making sure he heard every bit of sarcasm in her tone.

"I did not forget, Shepard."

"Then why didn't you tell me? You said nothing happened!"

"It was not relevant." he replied, his voice steady.

"Not relevant? Not relevant?! It seems pretty relevant to me!"

"You were drunk."

"Are you telling me you're ok with this?"

"No, I'm saying I forgive you." he turned to face her for the first time since she entered. "How did you find out?"

"EDI's security footage."

Thane frowned, looking down at the rifle then back at her.

"Liara told me about it. Because neither you nor Garrus would say anything."

"Ah."

"That's all you can say to that? Just 'ah'?" she threw her arms up in defeat and was about to walk out when Thane stopped her.

"Shepard, I told no one about this." he said, looking earnestly at her. Part of Shepard didn't want to believe him, but she knew he was telling the truth. "I was hoping you would forget..." he added, "I can remember enough for both of us. I apologize."

Shepard sighed and sat on the floor. Seeing what she saw, she won't forget it that easily. Thane crouched next to her, took her chin in his hand and lifted her face up to his.

"Siha, I'll love you no matter what you do or what others think of you."

"Gee, that's reassuring." Shepard replied, raising an eyebrow. "Want to consummate that with a kiss?" She wasn't serious when she said that and she thought he knew that. Therefore, it surprised her a little when he leaned in and gave her one. A small one at first. He leaned back as if to gauge her reaction and the corners of his mouth turned upward seeing the surprise in her eyes. At that moment, it finally occurred to Shepard that he meant everything he ever said to her. He really was serious about her. She looked up at him and saw him for the first time. He had moved back to his sniper rifle, methodically cleaning every single part and putting it back together. Shepard thought back to the security film. He didn't take advantage of her when she practically threw herself at him. He listened patiently to her rants. He was there when she bled profusely all over the floor, screaming that she was dying. And he took every hit she threw at him. Yet here he still was. Not even a gun barrel to his face deterred him. He really did come up just to look at the stars with her. She has been an idiot this whole time and nearly missed this. And now she didn't know what to do with herself.

"I'm.. gonna go." she stammered out, getting up. "Need a shower and coffee."

"As you wish."

Before leaving, however, she paused in the doorway.

"Thane," He turned to face her when she called, a slightly worried look coming over his face. "I just wanted to say thank you. You know, for last night." Shepard finished. He smiled at her in reply.

"Of course."

* * *

**A/N: Oh god.... _ ... I swear I have a reasonable excuse for writing a sappy chapter!! I swear!! I was listening to Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love", Savage Garden "Truly Madly Deeply" and a bunch of other songs including some Aerosmith**

**I'm a hopeless romantic and I wanted to portray that in this chapter _...**

**Listening to songs like that..... I'M SORRY!!! **

**let me know if this is totally out of character _**

**But something happened  
For the very first time with you  
My heart melted into the ground  
Found something true **

**-Leona Lewis  
**


	33. Side Effects

As the cool water ran down her body, Shepard couldn't help but think back to what happened in the armory. The feelings that stirred deep within her were so alien to her. Being loved unconditionally was new to her. She wasn't quite sure what to think of it. Her hand reached up to her lips where Thane had only minutes ago kissed her. Just thinking about it made her feel strange. That simple gesture overshadowed everything else. Was she falling for him? The one person she did not expect to love. The only member of her crew she never learned to like or get to know. When she met him for the first time, she wasn't even sure why the Illusive Man bothered telling her about him. She didn't think the assassin would be much good against a horde of collectors. But he proved her wrong. He always proved her wrong. His determination was unwavering and his skills unmatched, not even by her.

Shepard leaned against the wall, letting the water cover every inch of her. She had decided to take one on the crew deck as the shower in her room proved useless. Being showered from three sides felt incredibly relaxing. She just hoped no one walked in. The door on the men's restroom had no locks and the women's restroom was out of order. And she forgot her shampoo in her room. Shepard grabbed a towel from one of the shelves and wrapped it around herself, flinching at the size. The length was barely enough to cover her ass. At least it was just a quick run to the elevator and up to her room. Minimal encounters probable. She shook the water out of her hair and stepped out into the hall. Looking around the corners, she surmised that there was no one around and made a quick dash for the elevator. The door swung open and she hopped in, thanking gods that it was empty. She pushed the button that would take her up to her room and relaxed against the wall. When the door opened again she was about to walk out when she bumped into Thane. He caught and steadied her, looking a little surprised himself.

"Going down?" he asked.

"Yes." Shepard replied without thinking. And why did she just say that? She was not going down, she was going up to get her shampoo. And a bigger towel. She suddenly felt very self conscious of her appearance and was glad that Thane was looking forward and not at her.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, turning his head slightly in her direction.

"Fine." she managed as the elevator doors opened on the top floor. _Crap_. She heard Thane chuckle and felt really awkward. "Up. I meant up." she corrected herself.

"I know, Siha. I saw." Shepard rounded on him, unable to prevent the red spreading across her face.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she accused him.

"I don't mind getting side tracked." he smiled at her.

"Jerk."

"Should I wait for you?"

"No need. I'm staying." she muttered in reply. The elevator door closed behind her and she trudged into her room. So much for a shower. Her console was beeping. Shepard switched it on to see what it was. She had three unread messages and a Fornax download waiting. She clicked on the first message. It was from Wrex.

_Shepard, I checked in with everyone I knew from the past about those ships. No one knew anything about them. If I were you, I'd watch your back. People want you dead and they'll do anything to achieve that_.

If neither Wrex not EDI were able to find information about this, that could only mean it was Cerberus. Or the Council. Both had ways of hiding information they didn't want found. Another dead end. She closed the message and opened the next one.

_Heard you've been causing trouble for important people. Sorry about back on Earth. Need help hunting down Cerberus scum?_

Jack. She changed sides as often as vorcha spawned. But Shepard had to admit that her help would be invaluable. She composed a quick reply, asking her to meet her in Omega's Afterlife. Then realizing that going back to Omega may not be such a good idea, backspaced and typed in Nos Astra. She needed a good distraction anyway. To take her mind off things. Off Thane. The towel unraveled and fell around her hips but Shepard didn't care. She was hot. Really hot. Her body was sweating a gallon a minute. The feeling reminded her of a side effect from a drug she used to take back on earth. Except she didn't take any drugs. She tried to think back to everything she had consumed within the past few hours and only one thing came to mind. The liquid Thane gave her when she first woke up. He had assured her that it was safe for humans. Shepard was inclined to believe him then. Now, she was not so sure. She didn't feel sick. Just hot.

"EDI, turn down the temperature in here."

"Yes, Shepard. Specify temperature."

"Make it fifty."

"Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

"Fahrenheit."

The cooling system whirred to life as the cold air poured in through the vents. It didn't make much difference though. Shepard took the towel and wiped the sweat from her face. Not even the desert was as hot as she felt then.

"Seriously, EDI, turn down the temp."

"I did, Shepard."

The smell of sweat was starting to overwhelm her and she felt slightly nauseated. Frustrated, Shepard threw the towel to the ground and went into the bathroom, turning on cold water. Before hopping into the shower, she checked herself in the mirror. Her face was pale as usual but she looked tired. Probably due to her lack of regular sleep cycle. She dismissed the image in the mirror and hopped under the water. The cold droplets beat against her skin at a steady rhythm. Shepard closed her eyes and tried to remember if this was what rain felt like. The last time she experienced rainfall was during her boot camp training. Crawling through mud had never been so much fun. She opened her mouth and let the water fall in, swallowing it. It felt surprisingly cold in her mouth, something she didn't expect as it felt pleasantly cool against her skin. She drank more, realizing she was thirsty.

Shepard was in the shower for over an hour when the water finally started to feel cold. She shivered and turned the knob towards the hot setting, making a mental note to ask Krios about this drink he gave her. By the time she stepped out of the shower, the bathroom was completely enveloped in fog. Shepard wrapped one towel around herself and dried her hair with another, feeling much better.

Now to confront Garrus about the night before. Not such an easy task. He was in his usual spot, calibrating, when she found him.

"Shepard. What can I do for you?" he asked without turning to face her.

"Do you have a minute?"

"Can it wait-"

"No, it can't, Garrus." she interrupted him. "This is important."

"Okay, then." he said, turning to face her while leaning on the console. "What's up?"

With him facing her like this, it made it more difficult to talk. Shepard knew that he understood why she was here and that knowing look in his eyes made her nervous.

"About the other night..." Shepard started, carefully watching his expression which remained impassive. "You know I was drunk, right?" Garrus didn't answer, he just continued looking at her. She blew out her breath in frustration. Having a one sided conversation was not her forte. "Come on, Garrus, say something."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, anything. I'm trying to apologize and I feel like I'm talking to myself."

Garrus crossed his arms.

"Shepard, I am not your parent. Whatever you decide to do is on you."

Shepard thought for a minute about what he just said.

"Oh, right." Garrus was right. He wasn't her parent. Nor were they in a relationship, she had made that clear. Still, she felt bad. The video quality wasn't the best but she saw his face when he walked in. Remembering it made her cringe.

"Just... I'm sorry, okay?"

"Shepard, stop worrying. We've got much bigger problems to deal with at the moment."

Garrus straightened up and turned back to his console, ending the conversation. Which wasn't much of a conversation to begin with. Disappointed, Shepard gave Garrus one last look and left. They did have much bigger issues to worry about. Like the whole deal with Cerberus and the Council. And Thane drugging her. Since she was already down here, she decided to check in on him in the Life Support. But the room was empty. Figuring he eventually had to come back, Shepard sat in his chair to wait. She wasn't able to sit for long, however. She hated waiting, not having something to do.

"Hey, EDI, you have a pretty large database of stuff, right?"

"Of course, Shepard. Did you need information on something?"

"Got any good jokes stored in there somewhere?" Shepard asked, stretching her arms across the table in boredom.

"I am afraid my programming is not suited for telling humorous stories, Sheppard. However, I can ask Jeff for assistance." EDI offered.

"No, don't bother. What else can you do? Aside from all the normal function."

"My programming is very limited outside of standard function. I believe Cerberus did not anticipate for me to be used beyond the mission."

"Lame. Can you at least play music?"

"What would you like to listen to?"

"You can play music but you can't tell a joke?" Shepard inquired, slightly amused by Cerberus's lack of humor. "Nothing about a krogan, a salarian, and a turian going to a bar?"

"No, Shepard, I am afraid not."

"Seriously, EDI, what good are you if you can't even tell a joke?"

"My functions serve primarily to assist with important tasks, Shepard." EDI responded, sounding a bit offended. Shepard laughed.

"I kid, I kid. I appreciate you saving our asses."

"I will never understand human behavior."

"You and Joker get along."

"Jeff and I have an understanding."

"So, you like him?" Shepard asked, humorously curious.

"I have the dictionary understanding of the term, Shepard, but I am not programmed with such emotions."

"Lucky. Too much garbage comes with love."

"I cannot sympathize as I do not understand the concept. But I can assist in any way possible. Are you having difficulties in your relationship?"

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at the AI.

"Really, EDI? You want to council me on relationships?"

"I cannot provide council. However, I can provide information that may be useful. I have numerous data bases on stress relief."

"Stress relief? You're not going to give me sex advice, are you?"

"No, Shepard. I am not. But I have noticed increased levels of stress hormones from you, Dr. T'Soni, Mr. Vakarian, and Mr. Krios."

"Hmph, you're tellin' me." Shepard rolled her eyes. She didn't need an AI to remind her of the tension between everyone on board, with her at the very center. And speaking of Krios, where the hell was he? If he wanted to be easily accessible, why did he have to not be where she expected him? Her life was difficult enough as it was without him laying on the charm and making her second guess herself. And then giving her drugs. Shepard propped her elbow on the table, resting her head in her hand and looked out at the drive core. Its hum was muffled by the thick glass, only allowing the glow to illuminate the room. She sighed and was about to get up to leave when the door finally opened and Thane walked in, a look of surprise on his face.

"Shepard. Were you waiting for me?"

"No, I was just enjoying the view." she replied sarcastically.

"I apologize. If I had known-"

"Whatever. Doesn't matter. I'm leaving anyway."

"Did you need something?"

"I believe Shepard was looking for entertainment." EDI piped in. Shepard facepalmed at the remark.

"EDI. Shut up."

"Entertainment?" Thane asked quizzically.

"All I did was ask for a joke while waiting for you. That's all."

"How long did you wait?"

"Shepard has been in here for-"

"EDI, I said shut up!"

"Yes, Commander. Logging you out."

Thane walked over to her, took her hand in his and gently kissed it.

"I'm sorry, Siha. I was with Dr. T'Soni."

"What were you doing with Liara?" Shepard asked, surprised by the hint of jealousy underlying her tone. A feeling all too familiar to her. Why she felt this sudden possessiveness she didn't know.

"She just wanted to talk. To clear a misunderstanding."

"I see. And was the misunderstanding cleared?" she asked, trying not to sound too jealous. When he didn't answer, she hastily added, "I'm only asking to make sure my crew is at full functional capacity. EDI noted raised stress levels in everyone."

"We have come to an understanding." he said with a slight inclination of his head. "So, did you want to ask me something?"

Shepard looked at him, momentarily forgetting why she was there.

"Oh, yes. What did you give me when I woke up?"

"Tea made from the roots of a native Rakhana plant and soy leaves. Why?" he looked rather concerned.

"Because it made me feel like- wait. Isn't Rakhana a dead waste of a rock? How do you get a plant from there?" She paused, realizing what she just said and to whom. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"No," Thane conceded, "you are right. However, the plant has such little use for our people, it goes unnoticed. Few know of its value and it is difficult to locate those few. It was a gift from Kaliyah."

"Strange. Wouldn't have thought there was any life left there. Whatever. What's it supposed to do?"

"Taken alone, it takes away all moisture from your body. But if taken too much, it will kill you."

"How comforting."

"I did not give it to you on its own. The soy leaf neutralizes certain properties of it, making it a powerful detoxin."

Shepard had been in rehab long enough to know what it meant and she understood why it made her sweat so much.

"It numbs the pain while forcing the alcohol from your system, leaving you fully cognitive and functional."

"Isn't that handy? You could have told me that before I started freaking out."

"I'm sorry, I had not thought the effect could have been so severe for you."

"Not a big deal now. I'm fine. Just, tell me next time."

"Of course, Siha. I am sorry."

Shepard removed her hands from his, realizing that he was still holding them, and excused herself.

"That's all I needed to know. Also, I need you up in my room in thirty. There's something I need to go over with you."

* * *

**A/N: Whoa O_O longest chapter I've written so far! Let me know what you think ^^**

**Sort of a filler chapter though. Not much going on. Exciting stuff planned for the next one!!! At least for me... :D**


	34. Tumbling Walls

**A/N: In the spirit of the previous chapter, I am proposing a challenge! As you all know, EDI needs help with telling jokes. Can YOU come up with a funny one involving a turian, a krogan, and a salarian?? Send them to me in a message or in a comment! ^^**

* * *

It was as good a time as any to put her plan in motion. The two people she needed for this were relatively ready and the longer she waited, the smaller the opportunity became. Shepard checked her console again to see if Jack replied. She hadn't and Shepard had to go on an assumption that the message got through. Unsure of how much time had passed, Shepard kept glancing at the door. Why she had said half an hour she wasn't sure. At the time, it seemed like not enough time. Waiting now, she realized thirty minutes was too long to sit around and wait. She checked her mail again and when finding nothing, started pacing the floor. At least going over the plan in her mind again helped a little.

The door finally opened and she whipped her head around to see who it was. Thane. He greeted her with a small inclination of his head and walked in. Without a pause, Shepard pointed at a couch and ordered him to sit.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, taking his position on the couch. Shepard glanced absentmindedly at him and continued to pace. Where was Garrus? "Shepard?" She turned to look at him again, noting the concern on his face.

"Huh?"

"Is everything alright?" he asked again. He was sitting on the edge of the seat, his hands clasped together, seeming to unable to make up his mind whether to get up or stay down. But she ordered him to sit, so he sat.

"Yeah, just some things to discuss." Shepard replied, getting a bit concerned with Garrus' absence.

"I'm listening."

"Waiting on Garrus, first."

Shepard was so concerned with pacing the floor and looking at the door she didn't notice Thane getting up.

"Slow down." he murmured behind her, catching her mid pace. "You'll wear a hole in the ground."

"Right. Right through at least a foot of solid steel."

"Figuratively speaking. What is bothering you?"

"Garrus' lack of promptness. I have no time to waste and no patience to wait."

"As you humans say, patience is a virtue."

"Yeah, well, I traded that in a long time ago for my assault rifle. Served me well so far."

Even as Thane held her still, Shepard kept glancing over her shoulder to check the door. Her patience was, in fact, wearing thin. What was taking him so long?

"Siha, calm down." Thane chided her, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Come sit down." Taking one last look at the door, Shepard conceded. She needed to save her energy anyway. What she was about to do... Suffice it to say, it will take a lot out of her.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything." Shepard replied, trying to hold herself still. "You, Garrus, the Illusive Man." She turned to face him. "For once, I want to accomplish something that I want, not what I'm told. But shit keeps getting in the way."

"What do you want to accomplish?" Thane asked.

"Not so much as accomplish as to try out a theory." Shepard leaned back, folding her hands behind her head and looking up at the ceiling. "Mordin once told me that you can't get without giving."

"A sound theory."

"I thought it was a load of bull at first. But when I left on my own to think not too long ago, it occurred to me. He was right. I developed a theory of my own." She sat up straight and looked at Thane. "The Illusive Man has something I want. And I have something he wants." A look of concern crossed Thane's face at the mention of the Illusive Man. Shepard noticed it and sighed. "You're not gonna like what I say next, are you?"

"Depends on what it is."

"To put it bluntly, I want to set a trap for him and I need your help." She cringed at the last few words. Shepard wasn't the type of person to ask people for help. But this was a delicate operation and she needed to make sure she had everything accounted for. That included her crew being completely on board and briefed.

"What is your plan?"

"I received a message from Jack recently and I have a feeling she's up to no good. I agreed to meet her on Illium."

"That doesn't sound like a good idea."

"On the contrary. It is all part of the grand plan. I know Jack well enough to figure out that she has no intentions of forgiving me for what happened back on earth. Her grudges last a lifetime. She does whatever she pleases and in this case, it is causing me pain."

"Siha-"

"Hear me out before you say anything. I know she plans to turn me over to the Illusive Man as soon as I show up. And that's exactly what I need her to do. What I need you and Garrus to do is to let her take me."

"You are right. I don't like this." he frowned.

"That's what this is for." Shepard handed him the tracking device she found in Mordin's lab not too long ago. "I will carry one on me so I need you specifically to track it. You're good at infiltrating and going unnoticed. With any luck, I'll be able to get in with some sort of weapon, get close to the Illusive Man, finish the fucker off, and escape with my life still intact." she finished, hitting the palm of her hand with her fist in determination. Thane shook his head in disapproval but didn't say anything. "I need to do this, okay? And I need you to agree with me. If only just this once."

"I cannot agree with your method, but I will do what I can to protect you."

"That's all I'm asking."

"Just, promise me one thing." he added, taking her hands in his and moving in closer, "Promise me you won't do anything irrational. Nothing that will put your life in danger more than it already will be."

"I can't promise you that. If people start shooting, I'm going to fire back. Those sons of bitches will know what it's like to mess with Commander Shepard!" she replied, completely missing the point.

"I suppose it can't be helped."

"What? You know you'd do the same in my position!" Shepard defended herself.

"You are reckless and hot tempered. It doesn't help that danger seems to follow you wherever you go. But, I know you are strong and I trust you."

"I wasn't looking for your approval. I just need you to do what I ask."

"And I will, if it will help you."

"Great. Now that we've cleared that up, where's Garrus? He should have been here long ago." Shepard looked around as if expecting him to pop up any second and announce his presence. And then suddenly remembered that she didn't invite him up in the first place. "Shit! I forgot to tell him!" Shepard was about to get up and summon Garrus through the comm when Thane pulled her back down. Completely taken by surprise, Shepard found herself facing up at him, her body parallel to the ground, pressed against the couch cushions. His expression was completely serious and it scared her a little.

"Can I be selfish, Siha?" Thane asked, his voice a pitch lower. "Just for a moment?"

Shepard stared up at him, not sure whether she should say yes and not wanting to say no. Neither answer felt right. But somehow, she didn't think it was up to her when Thane leaned in closer. Why did he always smell so nice? It made it a little harder to think, to focus. Her mind flashed to their most recent encounter and she cringed. Thane must have noticed because he placed his hand on her cheek and asked her if she was alright. She wasn't. Not even close.

"I want you to be happy." he whispered. "If it means I can't be selfish, so be it. But I will do everything in my power to protect you."

His words were painfully honest and for a brief moment, Shepard thought that maybe this was right. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Everything she thought she ever needed, she found in Garrus. Loyalty. Devotion. Trust. All given unconditionally. All given without question. But Thane gave her something else. Something she wasn't used to. Something she so desperately needed and realized this only now. He gave her a sense of peace. A knowing that no matter what, everything will turn out how it is supposed to. He gave back what her parents took away. This new awareness brought back an emotion she strove to bury deep all these years. Shepard couldn't help it. A knot formed in her throat as she tried to get a hold of herself. All those dreams, seemingly impossible only days ago, were a crushing reality. The feelings were real enough.

"Thane-" his name escaped her lips involuntarily. And it all came crashing down. All at once. His hand reached around her head and pulled her in the last few centimeters and their mouths collided in a frenzy Shepard didn't think possible.

The couch was too small, too constricting, and they both tumbled to the floor, nearly missing the table where the tree empty bottles shook a little from the impact. Shepard looked down on Thane who was now underneath her, smiling lightly.

"I love you, Siha." he murmured and lithely sliding out from underneath her, gathered her up and carried her over to the bed. Shepard was usually pretty good in a situation like this, but today she was a little lost. She was used to the rough and tumble sex with Garrus, being in control. As this was new, control eluded her. A small sigh escaped her as his mouth brushed against her forehead, then the tip of her nose, and made a momentary pause at her lips. They parted involuntarily, inviting him in, but he politely declined and kissed her chin.

"I see how it is." she breathed out, tilting her head up as he caressed her neck.

"For just a moment, I want to make time stand still. For you." Thane whispered against her skin, his breath sending a wave of pleasure through her body. Shepard exhaled sharply, biting her lip. This was not what she expected. But at that moment, it's what she wanted. For time to stand still.

"Thank you."

* * *

**A/N.... again...: OH GOD!!! THE ANTICIPATION!!!! *grins slyly* Please forgive me in advance if it takes me a while to put up the next chapter. The content is rather..... delicate.**


	35. HumanDrell Liasons

Shepard's body shuddered with anticipation as Thane's hand slipped under her shirt. His skin was surprisingly smooth for being covered in scales and she sighed with tingling pleasure. One kiss after another, he traced a path down her neck and along her collar bone, coming up on the other side. His mouth took in her earlobe, forcing a sharp intake of breath from her. It was a sensation Shepard had never felt before. How did he know that was a sensitive spot when even she had no idea? Thane pulled away to look at her and judging by his expression, clearly pleased with her reaction.

"Shall I continue?" he asked nonchalantly, pretending he had no idea what he was doing. But he was the conqueror and she was the conquered. The look of immense enjoyment on his face betrayed him.

"Do what you will." Shepard replied, her voice heavy. "I'm at your mercy." Thane cracked a smile in reply.

"That is... unexpected. But, welcome."

"Are you going talk me into submission?"

His tongue flitted across her earlobe again as he whispered in reply, "I might." He kissed the length of her jaw as Shepard fumbled with the zipper of his jacket. She got it down about half way before her restrained her arms, lightly shaking his head. "Not so fast."

But Shepard was used to fast. So when Thane took her hands in his, she almost protested. Her protests, however, were short lived. He kissed every tip of her fingers, tracing the print patterns with his tongue and sending a bolt of shock through her body with the progression of each digit. As he took her index finger into his mouth, her stomach muscles tensed up, rendering her completely breathless. How could something as simple as a finger have such a powerful erotic zone?

"What are you doing?" Shepard breathed out, slowly losing coherence.

"Committing every inch of you to memory." His mouth brushed against the inside of her wrist, sending another wave of pleasure through her body. Shepard thought she knew everything there was about sex. Thane was slowly, but surely, proving her wrong. Where did he learn all this? Her body shuddered as he let go of her hands and raked his fingers in an upward motion up to her shoulders, barely touching her skin, but enough to make her feel every second of it.

"I love you, Siha." he whispered against her mouth, finally allowing hers to meet his. But even that he did with great control. His kiss was teasing, playful. Each time she tried to catch his mouth in hers, he pulled away, smiling coyly.

"Damn you." Shepard protested. It was frustrating but at the same time, it turned her on. The thrill of the chase and eventual victory. Let him win for now and take the crown at the last moment. But her win was nowhere in sight. He playfully bit her lip then licked it to assuage the pain. Shepard fought back a moan as he repeated the action, making her lips redden and swell up. She wanted more. Much more. Her arms reached around his back and pressed him closer. The leather was restricting and she wanted it gone. If he won't take it off, then she will. With as much strength as she could muster, Shepard flipped Thane onto his back and positioned herself on his hips. Placing the palm of her hand on his chest, she felt his heartbeat. It was so much like her own. She never felt Garrus' heartbeat with as much clarity as she did Thane's. It was the most intimate thing she had ever experienced and it made her blush and her heart skip a beat.

Shocked by her reaction, she quickly dismounted and sat on the edge of the bed, clutching at her shirt, afraid to look in his direction, should he see. Her own heart beat out each second a million times. _Calm down_, she told herself. _It's only sex. What's wrong with you!_ But she knew it wasn't just sex. Not any more.

"Siha? Are you alright?" Thane asked behind her, concerned. Shepard shook her head no, refusing to face him. She wasn't alright. Why wasn't she alright?

"What's wrong?"

She felt his hands on her shoulders as he sat up behind her, gently nuzzling her neck, his breath washing over her sensitive skin.

"Siha, look at me." Thane asked, gently turning her to face him. "If you are not ready, I can wait."

Shepard shook her head.

"It's not... that. Not you. It's me." she replied, keeping her eyes down. Her heart was still racing.

"What is it?"

In response, Shepard took his hand and placed it on her chest, right above her heart.

"What's wrong with me? This isn't normal."

"Siha-" Thane sighed, folding her into his arms. "There's nothing wrong with you." He kissed her forehead. "Absolutely nothing."

They stayed like that for what seemed like eternity while thoughts ran through Shepard's mind like ants. Was this what people called 'love'? Did love make you feel like you were drowning on the very thing you rely on most? Did it make your heart and thoughts race like this? She looked up at him finally, looked him straight in the eyes. And remembered the sunset reflected in them what seemed so long ago. Reality warped. It was a high without the drugs and it made her say things she wouldn't ordinarily.

"I don't understand, Thane." she whispered. "I am so confused."

"Let me guide you."

He released his hold on her and gently laid her in the bed. After that, Shepard lost all semblance of sanity and coherence. His mouth, his hands, they worshiped her body as a priest would a god. Her clothing gone, she lay before him in all her naked glory. Her body was flushed, her center pulsating, her breathing shallow. Thane was above her, taking it all in. How strange it felt to be observed like that. He was the artist and she was his canvas. He smiled.

"You are beautiful."

Shepard bit her lip, slightly embarrassed of her position. As his eyes traveled down the length of her body, she had the sudden urge to cover herself. Her knees went up, crossing, and she covered her breasts with her hands, turning her head to the side.

"Don't be embarrassed, Siha." he gently said, lowering her knees and taking her hands in his. Leaning down, he kissed each nipple, giving them his undivided attention. Shepard inhaled sharply as his mouth continued on a downward path. He kissed her stomach down to her belly button. The muscles in her abdomen tightened as he moved even lower and she clutched at the sheets to keep herself from falling over the edge. His hand caressed the inner of her thigh, tracing faint lines over her skin, getting closer to the center but never quite reaching it. A sigh escaped her as he kissed her lower abdomen. How such unimaginable pleasure existed, she did not know. All she knew was that she wanted more. He kissed her protruding hip bones, one after the other, then tracing a circle around her belly button with his tongue, worked his way back up to her face. Without hesitation, she put both of her hands on his face and brought him to her. Her desires were now beyond need. She kissed him, throwing all reason out the window. The taste of him was so foreign yet so familiar. It was intoxicating.

_ The taste of another's tongue_.

Solipsism.

"Thane.." she breathed into his mouth. It was all she could manage before his tongue met hers. An explosion of senses colliding. Her back arched, her body pressed closer against his. _Oh, gods. I love you, _she said in her mind. _So help me, but I do_. _I love you_. The words resounded in her mind, echoing out her emotions in three simple words. So simple.

So complete.

She reached out after him when he pulled away. But it was only to shed his jacket. He discarded it to the floor, no longer needed. His body was exquisite. Dark green stripes ran over his shoulders and around his ribs. Shepard reached out to touch them, tracing them. Had she really considered him a nuisance? Thane's chest vibrated ever so slightly as her fingers glided over his skin, over his lean muscle, tracing every groove and indentation. Every scar. There was a long one along his left side. She touched it with care, looking at at him with question.

"It is from long ago." Thane replied with a slight inclination of his head. His eyes clouded over briefly, but whatever he remembered, he shook it off. His hands reached around his middle and unhooked a belt. It fell with a heavy thud to the ground alongside the jacket. Shepard realized it must have been a knife. And why wouldn't an assassin carry a knife? Her fingers traced over the scar one more time before her hand dropped lower. She had seen a nude drell before thanks to Fornax. But somehow, Thane felt different. She wanted to see him as he saw her. No boundaries, no restrictions, no inhibitions. Only absolute trust. Shepard unbuttoned his pants, letting them open up partially, only hinting at what was lower. Her fingers paused right under his waistline, teetering on the edge. Unlike human males, Thane's lower abdomen was smooth and looked absolutely delicious.

Sitting up, Sheppard pushed him on his back.

"My turn." she said, leaning over him.

"I am yours, Siha."

She explored his body much as he did earlier. His every feature fascinated her. His markings, his ribbed neck, his eyes, his mouth, his nose. Every indentation. His body was pliant under her touch. It was silly, she knew it, but she found herself tracing her name in his skin. _I love you_, over and over again. I love you a million times over. She laid on top of him, her breasts pressed against his cool flesh, and took in his scent. It was enough to push her over the edge. His fingers moved along her spine, tracing over the curve. She felt as they went over every single bone, tickling her lightly. She shuddered against him as he reached her tail bone. His fingers cupped around her bottom and pushed her higher, forcing her to support herself with her elbows on either side of his head. The action caused her nipples to brush against his skin, wracking her body with pleasure.

"Ah--" she breathed out. "Thane---"

His hand reached out between her legs, stroking her thigh while bringing her head lower with his other.

"Please tell me if you need me to stop." he breathed and without waiting for a reply, kissed her. Shepard tasted something sweet and it put her whole body into a spin, magnifying each sensation by a million. His two middle fingers entered her and she cried out, a single strand of saliva connecting their tongues. He began to slowly move them in and out, picking up speed as their kiss intensified. Shepard's whole body rocked in rhythm with Thane's hand.

"Oh-- my--- god!" she managed as her muscled tightened and relaxed, brought dangerously close to an orgasm. The corners of the room blurred, making her feel slightly dizzy. She felt his fingers leave her, making an awkward sound. Shepard was ridiculously wet and her whole body throbbed, begging for more. Begging for release. "Please--" she moaned. Understanding her needs, Thane flipped her on her back. He kissed her lightly and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

After a moment of hesitation, Thane took off his pants and Shepard couldn't help but stare. Not only was he well endowed, but the texture resembled the ridges of his neck. The dark green stripes also marked his legs, lazily wrapping themselves halfway around his outer thighs and calves. He leaned over her, looking intently into her eyes.

"I'll be gentle." he promised and taking her mouth into his, guided himself into her. His size, coupled with the ridges, took her breath away. Thane entered her slowly, not taking his eyes off her. Shepard bit her lower lip as he got deeper. But eventually, she wasn't able to fight back the moans any longer. They escaped her like traitors. Her knees went up to allow him more freedom of movement. And then he was fully inside her. He fit perfectly. Stroking her sweating face, Thane looked down at her, a slightly worried look on his face.

"Are you okay?" he asked. Unable to answer, Shepard only nodded. Satisfied with her reply, he began to gently pull out, sending her into unimaginable ecstasy. All sorts of noises escaped her as she struggled to keep herself together, unsuccessfully. She wasn't the only one struggling, though. Thane's breathing was shallow and heavy, his brows knitted together as he rocked in and out of her. Slow and steady at first, then picking up speed. His thrusts became needy, forceful, pushing both of them to the verge of oblivion. As his pace picked up, Shepard clawed at his back, wrapping her legs around his middle, urging him to go faster.

The precipice crumbled underneath their feet and they were both lost in the climax. Thane's body vibrated against her own as he came inside her.

"Siha-" he managed, wiping the sweat from her brow with his thumb, then asking her if she was okay. She was more than okay. She had just experienced something she never thought possible. Still inside her, he leaned down and kissed her eyes, her nose, her lips.

"I love you, Siha." And before Shepard could stop herself, the reply escaped her mouth on tired breath.

"I love you, too."

* * *

**A/N: Finally!!!! Oh my god!! Took her long enough..**

**Anyway, just a quick thanks to all you continuing readers as well as a thank you to the Russian BioWare fanfic community for their support ^^**

**No, this is not the end. I fear there are few more chapters yet to come. So, stay tuned!**


	36. Forgotten Advice

**A/N: I would like to apologize for any inconvenience I have caused. I would also like to apologize for the horrific chapter I have written. Thank you. I certainly hope this is an improvement.**

* * *

Shepard tossed and turned in bed, trying to fall asleep, but sleep eluded her. Normally, she would be out like a light in situations like this and sleep for at least ten hours. But tonight, her whole body felt like it was on fire. She turned on her side, pulling at the blankets. Why was it so damn hot in here? With complete disregard for her bed mate, Shepard kicked off the blankets, tossing them to the feather strewn floor. Thane's body shifted slightly in its position but he stayed asleep. Annoyed, Shepard shot him an angry look and crawled out of bed. How could he sleep at a time like this? She dragged herself over to her desk and plopped in the chair. Aside from all the unread issues of Fornax, there was not much else. Nothing else to do, Shepard clicked open the extranet tab and searched for news.

There were a few mentions of skirmishes in the colonies out in the Terminus, humans fighting batarians fighting elcor fighting other species. A never ending cycle of petty violence over a piece of land. Shepard knew her history well, they beat that into every graduate. _Learn from their mistakes!_ their teacher would always preach while hitting his customary stick on the desk of each cadet sitting at the front. She was one of those. After years of schooling, she had lost count of how many wars he recounted, each one in excruciating detail. No one ever learned from their mistakes. It was just a pretty phrase to repeat to other to make yourself sound educated. Well, Shepard was educated. Much good that did her. Sighing, she leaned back in her chair and stared blankly at the screen. How 'human nature' of everyone to forget about a threat when it was just beyond the horizon, just beyond the line of vision. Out of thought, out of mind. Shepard twirled her hair absentmindedly while bits of memories flashed through her mind. She was just as susceptible to human nature as anyone else was. Certainly she could have acted in a more mature way in these past few years, done what was expected of her. But she was only human. Or at least, mostly human. Shepard still wasn't sure how much of her was synthetics.

But that was all beside the point. Human or not, she knew she had to start owning up to her mistakes. Her Omega blunders, her horrifying actions at the Citadel, her crew. Shepard didn't believe Thane when he told her she was the only one who could defeat the Reapers. Because she wasn't the only one. She graduated in a class of three hundred or so other people from Alliance military school and in a class of thirty seven from the N7 academy. Her position was not difficult to fill. But he had some truth to his statement. Out of all her class, she was with the most experience. However, that didn't stop her from doubting. Doubt was there when she woke up every day, when she ate lunch, when she put bullets in people's skulls, and in the end, it was still there when she went to bed. _War has no room for doubt because doubt leads to costly mistakes, _her drill sergeant would always shout during their staged skirmishes. It was easy at first. It was easy until now. It has been almost two years since the destruction of the Collector base and still no sign of the Reapers. Two years passed last time, too. But it was different. The Collectors were already at work. So what was taking the Reapers so long this time? A chill ran through her body, not settling anywhere in particular. Shepard shivered as the temperature in the room suddenly dropped. Someone was messing with the thermostat and it wasn't making her happy. To top it off, her skin was starting to itch.

Shepard picked up the now dry towel from the floor and wrapping it around herself headed for the bathroom, her new favorite place of occupation. She scowled inwardly and turned the hot water on. What she wouldn't give for a vacation right now. But she had to remind herself that there was still much to be done. In a few hours, she would be meeting up with Jack to be taken into the den of the mother fucking lion himself. Shepard wondered what it would feel like to finally be face to face with the man that had taken so much from her, the sole reason for her current state. Nothing came to mind. And speaking of the Illusive Man, Thane still haven't told her where he got that information on her parents from. Her skin was really starting to itch. Giving herself a quick look over, Shepard discovered her whole front red and irritated. The mirror revealed her back to be in similar condition. No wonder she couldn't sleep. Allergies. She read something about a similar reaction in one of Mordin's files. Something that completely slipped her mind when she engaged with Thane not a few hours ago. Then again, it really was all so sudden, there was little time to think about creams and lotions and skin rashes. And horrific allergy reactions. As if she didn't already have enough to worry about. Trying not to scratch herself further, Shepard tossed the towel aside and hopped under the water. A mistake all in its own level of stupid. Her body temperature was cold, but despite that, the already hot water felt like fire against her irritated skin. She cursed, loudly, shutting off the tap and nearly slipping on the wet floor. Should have read those files more closely. Denied sleep, comfort, and a shower, Shepard felt incredibly miserable.

"Siha, is everything alright?" Thane's voice floated in through the heavy door. Shepard picked up a clean towel, wrapped it around herself, and opened the door.

"I feel like I've been sand papered, if that's what you mean."

Thane's quizzical expression was almost funny and Shepard would have laughed if she wasn't so damn uncomfortable. Even the soft towel felt harsh against her skin.

"You are not well." he said, his brows furrowing in concern.

"Brilliant deduction." Shepard retorted and immediately bit back her tongue, reminding herself that it wasn't entirely his fault for her current condition. "Sorry. Not your fault." she lamely apologized, but did stop him when he tried to reach out for her. "Allergies."

A look of understanding came over Thane and he took a step back to let her pass through.

"I'm sorry, I had forgotten."

"Yeah, you and me both. Well, since you're up, might as well help me out."

"What do you need me to do?"

Always so willing to help but able to hold his own opinion. Perhaps it was his independence that attracted her to him. But that was not important at the moment. This itch was killing her.

"Run down to Mordin's lab and see if you can find anything. And I'll... just.. wait here, I guess." she finished, but Thane was already half dressed and out the door. Then something occurred to Shepard. Skin contact with Thane was the cause of her allergies. It probably wouldn't help much if he started rubbing lotions into her, as nice as that sounded. She needed a different set of hands.

"EDI, get Liara up here, would you?"

"Dr. T'Soni has requested that I do not bother her. She is currently busy with research."

Research? What kind of research? And at this hour?

"Fine, who's awake? Get someone up here now."

"Yes, Shepard."

"Female, preferably." she added hastily. Somehow, Shepard didn't think Thane would take kindly to another man rubbing lotions into her. Thane and rubbing lotions... What a wonderful combination that would make if it wasn't for the damn fucking allergies! Rummaging through her drawers, she pulled out a pair of underwear and a bra and put them on. As comfortable as she was with her own body, not everyone was. The door to her room opened and Shepard turned to see who it was.

"Commander. EDI told me you needed some assistance."

"Gabby?" Shepard asked slightly surprised. Who else was here that she didn't know about?

"What's the issue?"

If this wasn't an awkward situation, she didn't know what was. At least it was someone she knew she could trust, Shepard supposed. She was about to explain the situation when the door opened again and Thane walked in, putting a knowing smiling on engineer Gabrielle's face.

"I'll take those." she said, taking the lotions from Thane's hands and shooing him back out the door. When he was sufficiently out of hearing reach, Gabby nearly skipped over to where Shepard was standing, a look of absolute glee on her face. "So, you finally did it!" she exclaimed. "I win!"

"You win?" Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ken and I had a bet going to see who'll you end up with. He said you'd go for Garrus in the end. But I totally knew you and Thane were meant for each other. He so owes me!"

"You were betting on my relationships."

"Oh, it was all in good fun." Gabby replied, grinning from ear to ear.

"Right." A tinge of doubt ebbed its way into Shepard's mind. Perhaps it would have been best if she did this on her own. But Gabby was here, a gloating smile on her face and bottles of lotions in her hands.

"Should we start? I want details!"

Yes, it definitely would have been better if she had done this on her own.


	37. Change of Plans

**A/N: I know this is short, but it is a precursor to the next one. Couldn't pack it all into one.**  


* * *

Shepard lay patiently in bed as Gabby steadily worked on her back, firing questions, one after the other, never giving her a chance to answer them. Which wasn't a problem because she didn't feel like answering. Bad enough she had to relive every moment in her head beforehand. After all these years, after all the bullshit she went through, she had finally said it. And even more frighteningly, meant it. Of course, she wouldn't divulge that piece of information to Gabby. Despite everything, if asked, Shepard was determined to swear on her grave that those three words never left her mouth.

"So did you tell him?" Gabby asked cheerfully, working the minerals into her skin.

"Tell him what?" Shepard asked, pretending she had no idea what Gabby meant.

"You know, that you love him!" she prompted. Shepard rolled her eyes.

"And why would I say that?"

"Why wouldn't you?" Gabby laughed in response. "You clearly do."

"Uh huh. And you're the expert since when?"

"Pfft, since he joined the team years ago!"

"Right. This conversation is over." Shepard finished, taking the now nearly empty bottle from Gabby's hands and ushering the grinning engineer out the door. A quick "I knew it!" floated into the room as the door shut. That certainly wasn't very subtle. Had she really been that obvious? And what was with the _since he joined the team years ago_? Shepard could not have made her dislike more clear. Or maybe Gabby was right. Maybe it wasn't dislike. Shepard absentmindedly threw the bottle into the trash. Regardless of her opinions in the past, today was what mattered. Today she was going to face her destructor. And if that wasn't foreboding, she was planning on going alone. It was the only way to get to the Illusive Man without any suspicion. Promise or no promise, the only person she was putting in danger was herself. Rummaging through the drawers of her limited clothing, Shepard pulled out the standard issue military shirt and pants and threw them on. They stuck to her skin like saran wrap, pulling on it. The sensation, to say the least, was very uncomfortable. The lotions helped, but only with the itching. The whole experience was rather painful and Shepard hoped she would not have to go through it again. After all, she couldn't possibly be the only human to react in such a way. And once again her thoughts were going in the wrong direction. Forcefully steering her mind back to the mission at hand, Shepard picked up the tracking device that was to be Thane's and put it in her pocket. Stupid, she knew, but necessary.

Giving her disaster of a room a last once over, Shepard headed out, hoping that her way would not be impeded. Luckily, her trip down to the fifth level proved uneventful. The cargo bay was silent when the door slid open to grant her entry. Silent and dark. She listened for any movement and when none came, Shepard walked over to the shuttle and hopped into the pilot's seat. As this was a one way trip, there was no need for a pilot. After strapping herself in, Shepard patched into Joker's private channel.

"Joker, open the cargo bay door, now."

"Going sightseeing?" he chirped.

"Yeah. And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, I swear to god I will kill you, one broken bone at a time."

There was a momentary pause and Shepard imagined Joker's mind trying to work out if she was kidding or not. He figured that she wasn't.

"Hardass." was all he said as the cargo bay door slid open.

"Glad you understand."

Now to actually figure out how to fly this stupid thing. It was very different from the MAKO. More buttons and lights. Taking a gander, Shepard pressed a few buttons in succession as the shuttled roared to life and started moving forward. Not bad for first try.

"Please set destination." the computer AI requested, its monotonic voice a drastic contrast to EDI's.

"Illium, Nos Astra." Shepard replied.

"Thank you, Commander Shepard. Please sit back."

Seriously? It was this easy? She'll have to remember this for the next budget cut meeting. Checking the screens for anything that might be out of alignment, Shepard closed her eyes and leaned back. Much like aboard the Normandy, the seats were leather and her whole body relaxed as it sank into it. The ride was surprisingly smooth and by the time she arrived at her destination, she felt like she didn't move at all.

The asari, who's name she could never remember, greeted her as Shepard exited the shuttle.

"Welcome, Commander Shepard," she greeted in her too-friendly tone, "we have a lounge room reserved for you. Please, follow me."

Shepard eyed the two LOKI mechs on either side of the asari.

"Thought we were past that." she noted in mock hurt, nodding at the machines.

"Ever since Liara T'Soni left, we have had many issues. It is just a necessary precaution."

"What sort of trouble has been going on here?" Shepard probed, her curiosity piqued. Liara wasn't the law enforcement. Her absence should not have cause such drastic changes.

"Liara left no one in charge of her position. That created a power vacuum."

"Eclipse?"

"I cannot tell you more than I know."

The rest of their walk to the Eternity lounge was in silence and Shepard couldn't help but feel that something was off. She silently thumbed the tracking device in her pocket, knowing that it will do her absolutely no good should the situation turn sour. Shepard immediately regretted not bringing a pistol. An unwise decision on her part. A thought began to nag at the back of her mind and she acted out on it.

"Seen anyone with tattoos pass recently through here?"

The asari paused and her step faltered slightly.

"Your friend, I presume?"

"I'm supposed to be meeting her here." Shepard continued, carefully watching.

"She's waiting for you in the lounge."

The bitch was lying. The pause betrayed her. But Shepard played along. She wasn't meeting Jack. She knew the convict well enough to know that Jack would want to be here through it all. She'd want to see Shepard's face when she turned her in.

If Jack wasn't here, who was?

They entered the Eternity bar and the smoke hit Shepard full force. She had forgotten what it was like here. Except now, it was worse. The haze was thicker, the noise overwhelming, and the smell of cheap alcohol completed the package. Squinting through the smoke, Shepard noticed Matriarch Aethyta gone, replaced by some batarian. Nos Astra was gone, replaced by a criminal hang out. It was Omega 4 of Illium. How things have gone so badly so fast escaped Shepard's understanding.

"In here." her asari escort interrupted her thoughts, guiding her into the lounge, blocked by a thick curtain. "Please, enjoy your stay." she finished, and bowing, left. The moment of truth. By all reason, she should be worried, but worry was the last thing on her mind when she dove behind the curtain. A familiar face, familiar voice.

"Commander. It's good to see you again."


	38. Two for One

**A/N: WARNING! Contains some material that may be morally sensitive! Read on at your own risk.

* * *

**

Nos Astra had secrets. Many of them. But this was certainly unexpected.

"Jacob?"

"Hey, Commander. Sorry about all this." Jacob expressed, taking a step towards her. "Nothing personal." Shepard eyed his with suspicion.

"There never was Jack, was there?" she stated rather than asked. It was more of a trap than she originally thought.

"No, there wasn't" he confirmed. "I see you came unarmed."

"You know why I'm here, Jacob. No need to play your games."

"You knew, then?"

"Yeah, I knew." Shepard replied tartly, crossing her arms. "What I didn't know is that you're his little bitch, running his errands. How do you like it?" She saw a momentary spark of anger light his eyes, but it passed and he moved his hand away from the pistol at his hip. Shepard smirked. "Can't bring damaged goods now, can you?"

"Unlucky you picked Nos Astra as your destination." he growled. "Wrong move and not even the Illusive Man will bring you back again."

"Oh my, Jacob." Shepard mocked, looking behind the curtain, "got yourself some friends? How sweet." The mercs eyed her as her head popped out, their fingers on the triggers, waiting for the word. She shut the curtain again and looked square at Jacob. "Well, lucky for you, I didn't come here to pick a fight."

"Glad we don't have to kill each other, Shepard." Jacob smiled once again, taking out a pair of kinetic cuffs and putting them around her wrists. Shepard didn't resist. She was tired of waiting. He escorted her out of the lounge and through disappointed looking merch to his shuttle. It was small compared to the one she arrived in but it was Cerberus issue complete with similar looking leather seats. Cozy. She sat across Jacob, watching him as he watched the door close, taking away the comfort of forty plus guns pointed at her. Shepard smiled inwardly. He was actually afraid. All talk, no guts. Well, at least she had a quad to compensate for his lack of a pair.

"So, Jacob, how does it feel to be working for the devil? Did you sign a contract in blood?" He didn't answer. "Aw, come on. We're bros, remember? Spilling drinks on the Citadel?"

"Don't mock me, Shepard."

"You were so suave then. What happened? Did Cerberus shove a pole up your ass?" Shepard grinned, thoroughly enjoying herself. She leaned back in her seat and crossed her legs. Jacob remained silent as the shuttle lifted off and they were on their way. "Oh, well. Pole or no pole, help a girl out." Shepard mocked, extending her bound wrists toward him, "These are so uncomfortable."

"I have orders and I will not go against them."

"Come on, I'm unarmed. There's little I can do to you."

"No chance."

Shepard put on a fake pout.

"Fine, be that way, ass hole."

She was trained in man to man combat and looking at Jacob, he was no match for her. He was strong, she knew, and she won't underestimate him. But she had taken down people twice his size without breaking a sweat. _Be vigilant, Jacob. Be very vigilant_, she echoed in her mind, a wicked grin spreading across her face. As if chilled by her intentions, Jacob shifted in his seat, eying her with caution. But Shepard only put her hands behind her head and closed her eyes, biding her time. Her body was far from relaxed, though. Every muscle was ready to spring into action at a moment's notice. Waiting until Jacob relaxed, let his guard down. And when that moment came, Shepard struck with deadly precision. He was on the ground before he knew what hit him, his elbows pinned to the ground by her knees, a knife at his throat.

"Unlucky for you, Jacob, they trained me well." Shepard smiled one last time as guttural chocking sounds filled the shuttle as the knife noiselessly cut through flesh, allowing blood to flow freely out. No wonder Thane carried it around. Deadly, precise, silent. Jacob stared up at her in shock, life ebbing away, until his eyes became completely lifeless. "Too bad we couldn't be friends." She wiped the knife on Jacob's shirt and put it back into her boot. Shepard may have come without a gun, but she was not unarmed. Searching in his pant pockets, she found the key to her cuffs and took them off.

Shepard gave the dead body one last look and knocked on the cockpit window. The pilot opened it and taking advantage of his stupidity, she wrapped her arm around his throat.

"You tell your pal the Illusive Man that he'll meet me in person or you die."

The pilot stuttered in shock, clawing at her arm. Shepard put more pressure on to let him know she was dead serious.

"Alright, alright!" the pilot managed, pressing some buttons on the console and sending out the message.

"Good boy. How close are we?"

"Nearly there." he chocked out, coughing to regain his breath. Shepard looked out the small opening and saw a station. They were close. Good. She released her hold on the pilot and retreated back into the shuttle. Taking Jacob's pistol, she strapped it to her side, just in case. Show time.

The shuttle landed with a thud and Shepard had to catch herself on the seat to keep herself from falling into Jacob's blood. The shuttle door opened and she was greeted by bright lights. A man appeared in the door way and it took a moment for Shepard's eyes to adjust to recognize the face. Paling hair, creepy blue eyes, the awful chest revealing shirt.

"Illusive Man." she greeted him.

"Shepard," he drawled out, "How nice of you to visit." She caught him looking into the shuttle, expecting Jacob to come out behind her.

"Sorry about that." Shepard said, completely unapologetic as a thin stream of blood dripped over the edge onto the metal floor.

"To be expected." the Illusive Man finally said, not a hint of regret or anger. "Jacob knew what he was getting himself into. I'll find a replacement."

Shepard grimaced slightly. She may have just killed a man, but she didn't consider him to be expendable.

"You're so considerate." she replied, her words heavily laced with sarcasm.

"I try to be. What made you decide to come?" he asked her.

"The idea of killing you was just too hard to pass up."

"If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead already. You want something."

Shepard was surprised at how calm she was, talking to the man who took away everything she ever had. The one man responsible for so many atrocities committed in the name of humanity. Reason told her to just do it, shove a gun in his face and pull the trigger. But he was right, she wanted something. She wanted closure.

"You owe me a set of parents." she snarled. He didn't even flinch.

"So, you found out. How unfortunate. But you must understand, it had to be done."

"I don't buy your for-the-good-of-humanity bullshit. What you did was sick."

"Ah, yes. But you see, Shepard, from the moment of your birth, you belonged to me. Destitution is such a sad thing. I did your parents a favor. They simply paid me back in full."

"You son of a bitch." Shepard whispered, rage finally filling her. "You used them."

"I did what I had to, Shepard." he shot back, "Someone has to make the hard decisions. The Council isn't, the Alliance isn't. Cerberus has humanity's best interests at heart. I thought you'd understand that after working with us. Clearly, I was wrong."

"Still miffed about the base?" Shepard spat at him.

"You have no idea."

That was the last thing he said to her before they were completely surrounded. Shepard's reflexes took over and drawing her pistol, she took a defensive stance.

"Don't bother, it's not loaded."

Bastard! He knew she was going to kill Jacob and take his weapon.

"You are no longer of any use to me, Shepard. I told you you shouldn't have crossed me."

Something hard hit her in the back of her head, forcing her on all fours. She was completely surrounded, with only a knife at a gun fight. How stupid she didn't see this coming. Her vision blurred as someone stuck a needle into her arm and she completely blacked out.

When Shepard came to, it took her a moment to see her surroundings. She was in a cell, that much was clear. A small and cramped cell. Her arms were shackled and when she tried to move, she couldn't get very far. The shackles were attached to a wall with a short chain. The cell smelled horrible and when her eyes adjusted to the dark, she found out why. The other end of the cell was occupied by a dead batarian and a piss bucket. Shepard wrinkled her nose in disgust. Great. She was god knows where, chained to a wall, and no way out. Not only that, a quick search revealed that all her possessions were gone, down to her clothing. Instead, she wore a small tunic. Fuck.

The back of her head throbbed where she had been hit and she gingerly rubbed it, the sound of moving chains echoing through the cell. The smell of rotting flesh and urine was overwhelming and it made her nauseated. What now? She was screwed and she knew it. Shepard hadn't considered the possibility of no longer being needed, the concept was simply beyond her understanding. She tugged on the wall chain to see how well it held. The clasp wobbled but the screws held.

The waiting game again. There must be a reason why he kept her, she just had to find out what it was. A small window opened in the door as something dropped to the floor. When it shut again, Shepard moved to see what it was. Only her chain wasn't long enough to reach it. She looked at the dead batarian again, coming to realization that whatever dropped to the ground must have been food for the day. The poor bastard starved to death. A fate to be followed by her since she couldn't reach it either. But Shepard did not despair. This was not a new scenario for her. They trained each recruit to survive such situations. As such, she was trained to appreciate prison food in order to survive, keep her strength, and in the end, escape.

Eying the distance to the door, she laid on the ground, stretching her body to its full length. Her toes touched the door. Perfect. Lucky for her, whatever it was, it was solid. She pushed it gently toward her with her feet and when it was finally within reach, she took it into her hands and examined it. Taking a tiny nibble, she concluded that it was food. Dry and tasteless, but food nonetheless. Ripping part of her tunic off, Shepard wrapped it around the ration and put it in the corner. Food conservation 101. They don't always give you food in prisons. And not always solid foods. Spread it out, keep it hidden. She wasn't hungry so she kept it for later.

Step two. Prepare your mind and body for possible torture. Shepard wasn't sure if they kept her for information. But if that was the case, she was ready to keep her mouth shut. As a marine, they made sure she was prepared for all methods of information extraction. Pain was not a concern of hers. Neither was psychological torture.

Step three. Find a way out. Observe, collect, construct. The batarian was dead but that didn't mean he didn't have useful information. Shepard reached out and as carefully as she could, dragged the dead body towards her. There was little tissue damage, pointing to a recent death. Fighting back the urge to throw up, Shepard reached into his pockets to see if there was anything there. The effort proved futile as his pockets were empty. A set back, but hopefully not permanently.

Step four. Find out the reason for imprisonment. That required her to actually talk to someone. Which proved to be much easier than she anticipated as the speaker in the corner of the cell hissed to life.

"I must say, Shepard, good effort on Omega."

"Should have sent an army." Shepard retorted.

"Perhaps. However, the decision was not up to me. I'll admit, that hurt."

"Don't like others making your decisions?"

"Not that. If you weren't so drunk, you probably would have killed me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ah. That's right. You don't know."

"Don't play the guessing game with me, I don't have the patience."

"What a shame. You've got all the time in the world now."

"So it would seem. You can start by telling me about Omega."

"Yes. Omega. Close call. You make the worst drunk, Shepard."

"Get on with it."

"You shot and nearly killed me."

"Bullshit."

"It hurt."

"I was told I shot someone important. We even recovered the body!"

"Yes, a body that I had panted there, including the bad information. I'm not stupid, Shepard. What best way to distract you than by making you chase empty leads?"

"You son of a bitch."

"So I've been told."

"What do you want with me?"

"I already told you, Shepard. You are of no use to me now. We got what we needed."

"Why keep me here, then?"

"Because you are too much trouble to set loose."

"You won't kill me. You won't set me free. You have no use for me. What else do you want?"

"Simple. I want you to die a slow and painful death. Enjoy your company."

The cell fell silent as the speaker died. No windows, no purpose, nothing. Shepard suddenly regretted doing this on her own, regretted not bringing the tracking device. Sitting there in the company of a dead batarian and a piss pot, she felt incredibly stupid. But there it was. That's what she gets for being rash and acting without thinking things through. Shepard pushed the dead batarian as far back as she could and huddled against the wall.

The shackles around her wrists were old and slightly rusted so moving her hands too much caused irritation. But sitting still just wasn't an option. She had to get out somehow. Her vision adjusted to the dark, she gauged the distance from the floor to the ceiling. A comfortable six to seven feet, allowing her to stand up straight. Question was, could she reach the speaker. If she could, Shepard figured she could hot wire it to open the door. But that would still present her with one problem. She was bolted to the wall by a two foot long chain that was at least a few inches thick. Which meant that not only would she be unable to escape, she wouldn't even be able to reach the speaker. Fuck a million times. She was stuck.

The longer she stayed in the corner, the more time stretched. She was able to keep track of days by food delivery, but as the visits became more sparse, she began to lose count. The darkness was oppressive and despite the tiredness, sleep often eluded her. Eventually, she even stopped noticing the stench. A bad sign.

"Still alive?" a voice rang through the speaker, jolting her out of a stupor. Shepard didn't answer. Couldn't answer. Her body refused to respond to her commands. Eventually, the food stopped coming and she was down to the last of her saved rations. Death was not an option, she kept telling herself. But death was certainly a welcome alternative to this. And the longer she stayed there, the more appealing it became.

The pain came next. It was subtle at first and Shepard dismissed it as hunger pains. But they grew worse, waking her with convulsions during the few minutes she was able to sleep. They came and went. Few and far in between, but growing more often, eventually leaving her completely immobile. How much time had passed? No windows, no light. She remembered being punished as a kid for stealing. Her parents shut her in the closet without food. It felt like forever, but it was only for a few hours. Has it been days? Hours? Weeks? Years?

She cried out as the pain seized her again, forcing her to double over. Her eyes watered, her whole body ached from hunger, cramps, and shackles. Shepard knew the risks, knew there was a chance she wouldn't live. The pain struck again, sharper this time. Tears streamed down her face. It was blinding until it was finally over. She felt something wet and sticky slip out between her legs. Beneath her was a bloody mess and just before losing consciousness completely, Shepard stared in shock and horror at what could only possibly resemble a month old fetus. Her hopes of only putting herself in danger dashed and smothered in the blood that now spread across the cold tile floor.


	39. Her Secret

**A/N: I was awake and felt like writing some more! This is super short but gives you a glimpse into Shepard's subconscious. She does have feelings! I promise! ..... even thought sometimes it seems like she doesn't... _**

* * *

Shepard awoke to something cold being pressed against her forehead. She couldn't see, something was covering her eyes. She was awake. But was she alive. No sound, just silence. Strangely surreal, yet calming. If this was afterlife, it wasn't so bad. But with consciousness, pain followed. She was not dead. Not yet. Which made her either very lucky or very resilient. With luck not being on her side, Shepard went with resilient. Her mind fully functional. Her body, not. Not even a wiggle.

"Thane?"

Her throat was parched which made the sound come out barely audible and broken. No response. But she was alive. Or was she? Part of her was dead. Permanently. Part of her was not so fortunate. Not so resilient. A life for a life. One blood stain mirroring another. Tears escaped her eyes. Not from pain. At least not the physical kind. She was a killer. A murderer. A thoughtless predator. And she snuffed the life out of the only thing that proved she was human. What an odd sensation. To cry, but not move. To feel, but not react. Immobility. She was dead.

Her secret. Her cross to bear. It didn't even get a name. It. Genderless. A lifeless glob of tissue and undeveloped bone. Her baby. Thane's baby. How could she ever tell him. She couldn't. Where was he? Where was she? She was dead. _Is_ dead. No pain. No sorrow. Illusion.

Lies.

Anger.

Tears.

Their child. Dead.

She killed it.

It again.

Was it a girl? A boy?

A boy. Crying mommy! mommy!

A girl. Merciless killer.

Yes. A boy.

What about a name?

No name?

Salvation.

Hope.

Eternity.

None fit.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

The tears won't stop.

She can't face him again.

Not like this.

Not after this.

_Duty before all else_.

No duty.

No galaxy.

No life.

Existence meaningless.

Something cold touched her lips. A cool liquid drips down her throat. But she can't swallow. She chokes. Coughing, drowning, struggling for a hold on life. A pair of warm hands steady her.

"Be still." a voice tells her. A quick, worried voice. A female voice. Unfamiliar. Her body relaxes and the liquid travels with more ease. Deserving or not, she had to survive. Had to right her wrongs. Had to repay for her mistakes. But this will be her secret. No one else will ever know. No one.


	40. T:Reason Within

The next time Shepard awoke, it was to smells of antiseptics and what unmistakably was smelling salts. She coughed violently to clear the smell from her lungs and sat up. It took her a moment to realize that there was someone next to her. A female wearing Cerberus attire. Shepard momentarily panicked but then remembered being awoken the first time by a female.

"Hurry. We don't have much time." the female urged, tugging on Shepard's arm. The action caused Shepard to sway in her position. She was still weak and her body felt sluggish. "Hurry!" the female urged again, pulling on Shepard with more force. Shepard shook her head to clear out the remaining fuzziness and took stock of her surroundings. A medical lab with a large Cerberus logo on the wall. Small room, no windows.

"What's going on?" she asked, her own voice dry and unfamiliar.

"No time now. We have to go!" the Cerberus operative replied, handing her a pistol. Shepard couldn't understand why they had to hurry. There were no alarms, she wasn't escaping. Why hand her a pistol? Was this some kind of a test? Was she dreaming?

"Come on!" the woman begged, dragging her towards the door. But Shepard, despite her lack of energy, refused to move.

"We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on. Is this some kind of a joke? Where is the Illusive Man?"

"He's off the station for the day. Which is why we have to go _now_!" the woman replied impatiently. "Your healing is not complete but we're out of time. This may be the only opportunity we'll get."

Reluctant to believe someone dressed in Cerberus colors, Shepard narrowed her eyes at the woman.

"Why should I believe you? For all I know, this could all be part of some sick experiment."

"You're as stubborn as they say you are. But trust me, this is not a game I play well. You either follow me or you die."

The woman grabbed her by the arm again and dragged her out the door, cautiously looking around corners to check for guards. She was small with short, fiery hair. Her size, however, was an illusion. The woman was surprisingly strong for her stature. Not particularly physically fit, she had some weight to her, giving her a sort of motherly appearance.

"Who are you, anyway?" Shepard asked, finally falling in step with her.

"I'm the local doctor, Illusive Man's secretary, adviser, banker, lawyer, you name it. But today, I'm your friend. That's all you need to know."

"Why are you doing this?"

The doctor paused, ducking behind a wall and urging Shepard to do the same. She snuck a look around the corner and after verifying that it was clear, turned back to Shepard.

"Because I can't just sit by and watch as he destroys the only thing standing between us and a certain annihilation." she sighed. "I know who you are. We all do. What were you thinking coming here like this?"

"I wasn't." Shepard admitted. The doctor shook her head.

"That's the kind of thing that gets you into trouble. We're almost at the shuttle. Take this." she said, handing her a small chip. "It should grant you a few seconds of invisibility to get you safely to the shuttle. I cannot guarantee anything after that."

"What about the security cameras around the station?"

"Don't worry. I hacked the security. As far as anyone's concerned, you're still in your cell and I'm in the office." she smiled, but it was immediately replaced by a shadow.

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked, concerned. The doctor looked at her, her expression serious.

"I'm... sorry. About your child."

Shepard winced, a pang of guild filling her heart. The commotion had allowed her a momentary distraction, letting her mind block everything she didn't want to remember. A coping mechanism. She remembered now. Everything. But instead of sadness, anger and hate filled her, overtaking her rationality.

"We're not going anywhere." Shepard stated with determination. "Not until I make that bastard pay."

"Are you stupid?" the doctor cried out, pulling her back down to the floor. "Do you not understand that if you stay, they'll kill you!"

"They killed my child." Shepard replied threateningly.

"So you're willing to throw you own life away? What about your friends? Your family? Your child's father?"

"Cerberus has taken away everything that mattered to me. I won't stop until his blood is on my-" The last words never left her mouth as the doctor's hand connected with her face with a loud slap. Shepard stared at her in absolute shock. This was the first time anyone has ever hit her. Not even her parents struck her as a child. Her skin stung from the impact, no doubt leaving a hand print on her face.

"You idiot!" the doctor said, her face contorted in frustration and anger. "You selfish, selfish idiot! I risked my position, my life, to get you out and you will throw all that away for revenge? I get that you lost your child, I get that Cerberus has done things to deserve worse, but nothing will change if you end up dead!"

The words rang in her ears, jarring her out of her anger. She was right. Everyone was always right and she never listened.

"I'm sorry." Shepard whispered, slumping against the wall. "I just- I-" As her anger dissipated, her throat tightened and she fought back tears. She can't cry. Not now. Not again. She had to be strong. Remember step four. Survival was priority. Survival. Something she took away from her child who will never get a chance to live, to see the sun, to feel the rain on his skin, to breathe. No. She had to be strong, for both of them. Had to live for both of them. Shepard felt the doctor's hand around her shoulders and was glad of the comfort. At least she wasn't alone.

"Thank you."

"Alright. Now let's get you out of here. But before we go, you should know something. Your biotic implants have been removed prior your imprisonment. I did not get a chance to return it because it would have interfered with your healing process. But your tech abilities remain."

"It is not important." Shepard said. She never used the damn thing anyway.

"Okay. The shuttle is straight ahead. I don't know where you need to go, but I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"You're not coming with me?" Shepard asked, slightly disappointed. "We could use someone of your skill on our team."

"I'm afraid not." the doctor shook her head. "My duties lie here and I need to make sure you get off this station alive. I can only do that from here."

Shepard nodded her head in understanding.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me. I wish I could repay you."

"You can by getting yourself out of here and kicking some serious Reaper butt."

Her resolve renewed, Shepard thanked the doctor one more time and installing the chip into her omni-tool, ran for the shuttle. There were a few Cerberus operatives in her way but she passed them without being noticed. Opening the pilot door, she quickly hopped in and shut it behind her, starting the shuttle. Outside, Shepard heard shouting and gun fire. Who was it that Thane always prayed to? Goddess Arashu. The protector. She prayed that the deity kept the doctor safe and strapping herself in, took off, followed by shouts and bullets ricocheting off the metal hull.

Once she was a safe distance away from the station, the adrenaline began to wear off and tiredness overtook her body. Shepard slumped in her seat and closed her eyes as the AI requested destination. Before allowing her body to succumb to complete oblivion, she patched a channel to the Normandy. The comm crackled before Joker's voice came through.

"This is SSV Normandy. Who's this?"

"Joker, what's your location?" Shepard managed, energy quickly slipping away. There was a long pause.

"Shepard??!"

"Joker. Location."

"How do I know it's you?"

"Joker! Location or I'll break every bone in your body!!" she huffed, trying to keep herself from passing out. Her console beeped as it received information from the Normandy.

"I can't believe it's you! Where have you been! How could you do this to me!!"

Shepard punched in the coordinates and making sure everything was right, allowed her consciousness to slip into the darkness.


	41. Homecoming

Shepard jerked awake as the shuttle skidded to a halt. Momentarily disoriented, it took a few seconds for her to regain her bearings. She was in a shuttle, just escaped from a Cerberus station thanks to a doctor. A doctor who, quite literally, slapped sense into her. Shepard hoped she was still alive. She unstrapped herself from the chair and, opening the door, tumbled out. A pair of hands steadied her, catching her fall.

"What the hell happened to you?" Joker exclaimed, standing her straight and giving her a once over. "You look like you've been starved to death!"

"I was." she replied, grabbing onto his shoulder to steady herself. "Get me to medical."

"Hold on." he said and grabbed her waist to support her. "You weigh less than my mother's cat did."

"Thanks."

"Yeah, that wasn't a compliment. Where the hell have you been? Why didn't you tell me you left? Do you have any idea how worried everyone's been? Don't you dare and do that again!"

"Sorry, Joker."

"That's all you can say? You've been gone for over a month and all you have to say is sorry?"

"What do you want me to say? I was caught and imprisoned by Cerberus and they nearly killed me."

"That would have- wait! They what??" he halted abruptly, turning Shepard to face him. "How did those bastards catch you?"

"They didn't." Shepard sighed. "I let them."

There was a long pause as her words sank in.

"You're joking, right? Please tell me you're joking."

"If the mountain won't come to you, you go to the mountain."

"No, Shepard, you don't! Because the mountain is huge! You don't take on an organization that size by yourself. That's just suicidal!"

"Joker, please. I'm tired." Shepard managed. Her head was starting to spin and Joker's elevated tone wasn't helping. She understood his anger, he had every right to be mad. But right now just wasn't a good time to interrogate her.

"Right, right, because no one else on this ship is. You know Thane dragged me from one end of the galaxy to the other looking for you?"

Thane. Guilt settled in the pit of her stomach.

"Where is he?" she asked.

"How should I know?" Joker replied, resuming their walk towards the medical bay. "The guy's there one minute and gone the next. Plus, you're in no shape to face anyone right now."

For the rest of the walk, Joker said nothing else and when they got to the med bay, he opened the door, let her in, then left. Shepard stood there for a minute, not sure what to do next. She was a soldier, not a doctor. Usually in situations such as this, there was someone there to take care of her. But it was time she learned to take care of herself. First things first, though, she needed a nap. And pain killers.

Shepard rummaged through some of the drawers, not expecting to find much. To her surprise, the Alliance left Dr. Chakwas' office untouched. There were pills for every ailment. She wished there were some to make her forget. But to forget was to unlearn. And this was one mistake she would not let go of.

Behind her, the door opened and Shepard turned to see who it was. He stood there, his features worn out, tired. Just stood there and looked. His hands gripped the edges of the doorway, his eyes showed anger, relief, hope, sadness. He looked like he aged years in the span of a month.

"Siha-"

She was in his arms before she could even blink, pressed against his body, her arms hanging limply at her sides. His embrace, however, did not last long as his anger took over.

"Why?" Thane demanded. "You made a promise."

Shepard couldn't answer. Every time she looked into his eyes, she saw their child, drowned in a pool of blood. She had to look away but he wouldn't let her. He held her chin firmly in his hand, his eyes searching deep, making her feel transparent. Shepard couldn't even apologize. Instead, she squeezed her eyes shut, forcing the graphic images from her mind. It was bad enough she looked the part of a starved prisoner escapee, she didn't want to relive the experience in words. His grip on her softened and eventually he let go. When he did, Shepard opened her eyes. His back was to her as he bent over the table, palms resting on the hard surface, head lowered.

"I'll understand if you won't forgive me." she whispered, knowing full well that without his forgiveness, she would never truly recover.

"Why did you do it?" he asked, without turning to face her. His voice was a low murmur and Shepard resigned to knowledge that he will not grant her forgiveness. But she understood that she did not deserve it. Though understanding didn't change the fact that it hurt. This was what Garrus must have felt like when she shattered his trust. It was as if someone took out her heart, wrapped it in barbed wire, and stuck it back into her chest with a noose attached. And the longer this silence dragged on, the tighter it got. Shepard was slowly suffocating herself. A process that sped up when he finally turned to face her again. There were two wet trails on his face, his brows still furrowed in anger, but features softened by-. No, she didn't dare hope. But hope did grow as he slowly walked towards her and took her hands in his.

Shepard had not noticed this before, but there were two thick, red welts around her wrists where the bonds were. The tissue was starting to scar up permanently. His thumbs traces over them as his anger melted away.

"I lost my family once. I don't know what I would have done had I lost you, as well."

His words struck through her like daggers, each one deeper than the last. She thought his forgiveness would bring her peace. But it just made her feel worse. Shepard would have rather he yelled at her, accused her, called her selfish. It would have hurt less. Instead, his gentle touch as he caressed her hands, her face, tightened the noose around her heart. She had been the worst kind of person, treated everyone with disregard, yet he was still here.

"I'm sorry-" she managed before the flood gates opened and she cried, openly. A billion emotions poured out with the tears. Everything she ever bottled up, pushed down, locked away in the darkest recess of her mind, it all came out. She desperately clutched onto his jacket, pulling him closer, yearning for the love she denied herself for so long. And he let her. His arms wrapped around her, his fingers tangled in her messy hair.

"Promise me you'll never do that again."

Shepard nodded weakly.

For the next week, she was under orders to stay in her room with 24 hour video surveillance. According to her crew, it was to keep an eye on her health. Shepard, however, knew the real reason. They didn't want her to run off again. Something, in any other situation, she would have done. But she had no intention of running anywhere this time. She was done with the Illusive Man. At least for now. It was time to focus on the bigger issues. Such as getting all the people she had alienated in the past couple years back on her side. Not a pleasant task considering some of those people were Udina and the Council.

Shepard lay in bed, rubbing the scars on her wrists absentmindedly. When Garrus had insisted that she undergo the dermal regenerative procedure, she had refused. To get rid of the scars felt like saying nothing happened. She wanted to keep them to remind her of her mistakes, wanted to keep them in memory of her child. Thinking of him made her wish Thane was with her. But ever since she arrived, she had seen him only once. Shepard never realized how much she needed someone like him at her side until now. She felt like part of her was missing.

"EDI, I'm going down to get food." she announced, putting the pillow aside and getting up.

"I'm sorry, Shepard, I cannot allow that." EDI replied.

"Come on. You know I can just hack my way out. Let's do this the easy way."

"I am sorry, Shepard, but I have orders."

"Yes, but who has the authority? I do. I am the commanding officer and I order you to open this door right now."

"My recent logs indicate that your rank has been temporarily removed due to health issues."

Imprisoned by her crew and stripped of her rank. How was that possible? Was there even protocol for that? Shepard picked up the pillow again and hugging it to her chest, laid back down.

"Fine. I give up. At least tell me a joke."

"We have discussed this already, Shepard." EDI replied monotonically. Shepard sighed. At least this gave her time to think. Alone time with nothing but herself and her subconscious. Not always the best thing.

"You have received a new message." EDI announced. Shepard immediately sat up. Contact from the outside civilization? From who? She walked over to her console, still holding the pillow, and clicked on her inbox. The sender or the address was unavailable, but the content revealed everything she needed to know.

_Hello, Shepard. This is Dr. Olam. We met not too long ago. I hope you have reached your destination safely and are healing well. I wanted to send you a message to let you know that I am fine. I managed to leave before the Illusive Man arrived. I am fairly certain that he is very unhappy at the moment so I suggest keeping your head down low for some time. I had a feeling our secret wasn't going to last long. The security figured out I hacked into the feed and were about to apprehend me. But having friends always pays off! I slipped away just before they found my office. Another one of my secrets! Without it, I would not have been able to help you. Not even the Illusive Man knows everything! Anyway, I hope you are well and maybe one day we can meet up and share a beer together._

_P.S. Please give Dr. T'Soni my thanks for keeping me updated!_

Dr. Olam. Shepard repeated the name in her mind. She never did ask the doctor for her name. Now she knew. Dr. Olam. The person responsible for her survival. Shepard was glad she lived.

_I would love to._

_-Shepard_

The doctor was right. It certainly did pay off to have friends. It was a shame it took her so long to realize that. The door to her room opened and Shepard swiveled around expecting either Gabby or Garrus bringing her food. Instead, she was met with a hot cup of coffee in one hand and a cup of tea in the other.

"May we talk?" Thane asked, handing her the coffee. Unsure of what to expect, Shepard cautiously took the cup and nodded toward the couch, taking lead.

"What's up?" she asked as casually as her voice allowed. She was happy he came, but his expression worried her. Rightfully so. As he sat down, he put his cup on the table and clasping his hands together, turned to face her.

"I want to talk about us."

* * *

**A/N: Whoa! A semi cliff hanger! Feedback please! ^^**


	42. A Fool in Love

The words sent a chill down Shepard's spine. This was it. She had pushed him too hard. Demanded too much. And now he was going to leave her. But she won't be mad. She'll try to understand, let him go.

"I understand." she said, forcing the words out as they caught in her throat. At least this will make it easier for her not to tell him about their child. She won't burden him with the knowledge. She had already put him through hell, she knew.

"You do?" he asked, a look of surprise on his face.

"Yes. I do." Shepard managed, trying to look at anything but his face.

"Then, you would not object?"

Mustering as much strength as she could, she turned to him and smiled.

"No, I would not object."

Relief washed over Thane's face.

"I am glad to hear it." he smiled back. "I had... concerns that you might not agree. I am glad I was wrong." Then his brows furrowed in question. "But, how did you find out?"

"Usually when someone approaches you with that statement, that's what they mean."

"They do?"

"Yes, they do."

"This is much easier than I anticipated. I shall tell Joker to set course for Kahje, then." He stood up and was about to walk out when the words finally penetrated through Shepard's defensive walls.

"Wait.... what?" She felt like she was missing a vital piece of information. Somehow, somewhere, they had begun to miscommunicate. What did he mean, set course for Kahje? What was there? And then Shepard remembered that Thane was originally born there. It only made sense that he would return to his home, to his family. "Never mind." she said, dismissing him. With him gone, there would be less distractions and less contradictions. No one else standing in her way. She will be ready to resume her role as the Commander without any distraction. It was for the best. After all, she always got along fine on her own. Just like old times, as Garrus would say.

Except she didn't want it to be like old times. She kept the scars for that reason alone.

"Siha?" his voice cut through her thoughts. "What's wrong?" She looked up at him, slightly confused. Professional concern?

"Nothing. I'm fine." she replied and ushered Thane out of her quarters. For the best or not, this sure hurt like hell. But Shepard refused to give in to her emotions. She had used up her quota of tears for this lifetime. It was time to move on. It was time to prepare for the inevitable. Her first step was to talk to the Council and convince them that she was right. This time, however, she planned on approaching the conversation from a different angle. The Council had power, sway over every political and social organization. Blackmail wasn't going to work. She had to approach them the honest way. And to do that, she needed to find the data pad Joker gave her after the Collector base fiasco.

Shepard looked around her room. Finding it wasn't going to be easy. She was generally a fairly neat person. To finally see her room with a clear head told her how out of it she had been for the past year.

"EDI, I need cleaning supplies here. Now." she ordered the AI. Shepard needed to put her life back in order and what better place to start than with her room. A busy mind was an empty mind. She began with the empty bottles and ramen packages, stacking them all on the table for easy disposal. The door opened again when she was on all fours, scooping feathers up off the floor.

"Impressive."

Shepard couldn't help but smile.

"Wrex!" she exclaimed, getting up to give her friend a hand shake. "Admiring my ass?"

"Forget your ass. This room's nice!" he boomed. "For a bunch of racist humans, they sure know how to build a ship. And speaking of racist humans, heard what happened."

"It takes a near death to bring a friend aboard?" Shepard teased.

"That's life, Shepard." Wrex replied.

"Yeah. So I've heard."

"Well, you're tough. Saren couldn't kill you, the geth couldn't kill you, the Collectors didn't either. The idiots at Cerberus should have known better."

"They did. That's why I ended up where I ended up. If it wasn't for an inside job, I'd be dead right now. For good, this time, too."

"Which is why I'm here. You just can't stay out of trouble, can you, Shepard?" he laughed.

"Not without you to bail me out. You should stick around. Planning to kick some Reaper ass."

"Big ship, big guns, I'm in!"

"Glad to hear it. I take it you found someone to replace you?"

"I left my most trusted adviser behind. I know he'll do well."

"A risk. But I appreciate you coming. Dealing with a lot of shit right now."

"What's up?"

Shepard let out a sigh and sat on the edge of the bed, closing her eyes and throwing her head back.

"Just.... shit. Everything's falling apart and I'm trying to finally pick up the damn pieces. My fault, I know. But, it doesn't make it better."

"You live and learn."

"You are so comforting, Wrex." she shot at him, sporting a half grin. But it was okay. It's why she loved him. He was brutally honest, down to earth, and never sugar coated anything. "Glad to have you on board."

"The feeling's mutual. Anyway, I'll let you finish what you were doing. I'm going to go bother Vakarian. Been too long."

Shepard chuckled, remembering all their elevator conversations. The two hated each other, but it didn't stop her from dragging them to every single mission. It proved for a very entertaining time.

"Go easy on him." she reminded Wrex. But he only grinned.

"Come on, Shepard, it's me."

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of."

His booming laughter filled the room, still ringing in Shepard's ears minutes after he left. It was good to have him back. It made her loss seem more bearable. She collected herself and her thoughts and resumed picking up the feathers. Not an easy task as they kept falling out of her hands. Eventually, Shepard just gave up and went digging through the mess on her desk for that data pad., completely forgetting that it may no longer be where she last left it and getting more and more frustrated with each passing minute.

After digging through the same piles of crap for half an hour, Shepard just pushed everything off her desk in a fit of anger. Sitting down, she buried her face in the crook of her elbow. Maybe if she closed her eyes tight enough and wished for everything to be solved, it will be. As juvenile as that was, it would make her life so much easier. But a wish was just that. A wish. A juvenile fantasy. Nothing was solved by wishing. She had to get up off her ass and get things done herself.

Just not right now. Right now, it was okay to wish. Shepard closed her eyes and tried to think of the best thing that ever happened to her. The first thing that came to mind was Nohalah. Her big round eyes, so innocent. The child only saw the best in everyone. Shepard smiled inwardly. She generally didn't care for kids. They were loud, annoying, and needy. But Nohalah was different. Maybe one day, when she settled down, she would adopt her. The least she could do for being the reason for her mother's death.

After a while, her mind drifted off and Shepard dozed. She wasn't sure how long she was out for, but jerked awake when she felt someone's hand on her shoulder. She nearly fell out of her chair turning around to see who it was. Catching herself on the table, she faced the intruder.

"Dammit, Thane. You scared the crap out of me!" she shot at him. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I'm sorry, Siha. It was not my intention to frighten you."

Shepard dismissed his words with a wave of her hand and rubbed her eyes.

"Do you need something?" she asked him, getting up to resume the cleaning. "I'm kind of busy right now."

"I came to get you." he replied, watching her pick things up then put them down.

"Pick me up?" Shepard asked absentmindedly. "We going somewhere?"

The indifference was easier to achieve than she had thought. But the confusion on his face was slightly disconcerting. She paused her cleaning and looked straight at him.

"Something I miss?"

She stood there, watching him for a minute, until his eyes widened slightly.

"Siha- You misunderstood me."

It was her turn to be confused.

"Judging by your expression and reaction, clearly I did." Shepard stated cautiously.

"I had thought you knew what I was talking about. I should have clarified." he said and closing the distance between then in two strides, gathered her into his arms. "I would never leave you, Siha. Ever."

Now Shepard was really confused. Firs he told her he was going to leave her and now he was telling her he wouldn't. And then it came to her. He never did tell her that. She only assumed. The realization made her feel like a complete fool. A fool in love.

"I want to show you my home." Thane smiled, gently pulling her away just enough to be able to look into her eyes. And a fool that she was, Shepard couldn't contain the joy reborn in her chest. For once, she was okay with being wrong.


	43. The Encompassing

There was still one thing she still needed to take care of before she went anywhere. The last time she talked to Garrus, they did not part on the best of terms. That was over a month ago. Shepard had seen him in passing recently, but they never got a chance to clear things up.

"Wait here." she ordered Thane, and then remembering that she was not allowed to leave, asked him to open the door for her. He obliged without question and Shepard took the elevator down to the third level, hoping Garrus was still around. Lucky for her, he was.

After running around the whole floor searching for him, Shepard found him laying down in the crew quarters. He looked like he was taking a nap and she was about to leave when he called her.

"Shepard. Glad you came down."

Shepard turned to face him. He was a little tall for the bunk beds so he had to bend over in order to sit. The whole room seemed to shrink around him.

"Garrus. I wanted to- apologize." Shepard began, taking a seat on the bunk opposite his. "I know you said you're not my parent and I'm free to do whatever I want, but that does not grant me an excuse to, well, to treat my crew the way I did. I lost sense of what I was and-"

"Shepard. Everyone makes mistakes. You don't have to run to me every time you make one."

Shepard sighed. He was being his usual self, of course. Not letting her blame herself was his forte. But if she didn't take the blame for her actions, who will?

"You're a good friend, Garrus. But you don't need to protect me from myself. I need to take responsibility eventually and I'm trying to now, with you. There are very few things that I value in life and you're at the top of that list. All I can ask is that I hope one day, you'll forgive me."

"I still can't let you take all the blame, Shepard." Garrus teased. "After all, I was the one who had the damned idea in the first place."

"You can't blame yourself for how I think."

"No, but I can blame myself for encouraging you."

Shepard chuckled.

"Fair point."

"But listen, Shepard," he continued, leaning forward, "You nearly died on that station. Again. During that month, when you were gone without a trace, it made me realize. Life's too short to hold grudges. Heh. Not the best way to get over love, but hey, a friendship is better than nothing. He better take care of you or I'll skin him myself."

Shepard smiled. She may not have his full trust yet, but it was a start.

"And Shepard?" he called after her as she was about to exit. "Good to have you back."

"You too, _Commander_ Vakarian."

"Hah, no thanks. You can have that one back. That's a kind of responsibility I'm not ready for."

"Thanks, Garrus. You're the best."

"What can I say? Us turians are just like that."

"I don't know about that. But I'll leave it for now. I'm leaving the ship for a few days so keep her safe, got it?"

"Where to?"

"Kahje."

Garrus nodded understandingly and waiving her away, laid back down.

"Don't drown on me, Shepard."

"Don't worry. I won't let you commandeer my ship for long."

All things considered, that didn't go as badly as she thought it would. She loved Garrus, she really did, so it was good to have him understand her position. At least she hoped he understood. It would be a shame to lose him now after all these years. Loosing a friend then gaining another never worked in real life because one of them eventually became your enemy. And two friends was better than having one enemy.

"I'm ready." she told Thane when she reached her room. He was on her bed staring up at the sky light when she entered, holding her jacket in his hands. When she approached the bed, he got up to meet her, handing it to her. It was the leather jacket Garrus had bought her and the same one she met Thane in back on Earth. A time so long ago. Back when nothing mattered. It seemed like it was in another lifetime. And now, she was about to spend a weekend with the one person she always thought she hated and was looking forward to it. Even the best laid plans go astray.

"Shall we?" Thane prompted, guiding her toward the door with his hand on the small of her back. Shepard nodded and threw on the jacket, letting him take the lead.

"Hope it's not raining too bad. I just did my hair." she joked. She almost walked into Thane as he paused and turned around. His hands moved so fast she didn't even have time to react. His fingers tangled in her hair as he shamelessly messed it all up, then stood back to admire his handiwork, his expression thoughtful.

"Now you won't have to worry about that." he finally said, smiling. He ran his fingers through her hair one more time then took her hand and led her out of the room. Shepard followed behind him, slightly stunned. The ever poised, ever strong and stoic assassin just messed up her hair. _Her_ hair. He just messed up her hair. What was worse, she was thirty six years old and that made her happy. School girl happy. The thought was so disturbing, Shepard immediately had to purge it from her mind. She was thirty six years old, for gods sake. This wasn't high school. Yet there she was, secretly giggling and holding a guy's hand. Pathetic.

"So, why Kahje?" she asked, derailing her mind from immature thoughts.

"There will be little distraction."

Shepard wasn't sure what to make of that. The school girl in her was excited, but the adult only became weary. Little distraction from what?

"You needed a break and I needed to talk to you without being disturbed. Kahje came to mind."

"I see."

She should have seen this one coming. After all, she was gone for over a month, leaving him completely in the dark. It couldn't have been easy. There were things that needed to be said.

"Hey! Commander! Pardoned from your room arrest?" Joker greeted them as they entered the cock pit. "Nice place." he nodded out the window, indicating the oceans of Kahje. They had apparently arrived early and have been docked for some time.

"Thanks, Joker. We'll let you know when we're ready for pick up." Shepard dismissed him.

"Sure thing. Just don't go swimming. With your luck, you never know."

"I'll keep that in mind."

The passageway leading away from the Normandy was dry and dimly lit. Compared to the torrential rains outside, it was quiet and rather uncharacteristic. Shepard wondered if the rest of the underwater habitat was similar. But the thought was quickly discarded when they entered the main hall. The view was breathtaking. Thick glass lined the walls, illuminated around the edges, allowing visitors to see into the depths of the ocean. The walls themselves were decorated with stunning detail, portraying the hanar view of the Protheans.

"This is... amazing!" she whispered in wonder, trying to take it all in. Through the dark waters, she could see shadows darting to and fro, faster than a bullet. Shepard had never seen anything like it. As she got closer to one of the windows, she discovered that it had light etchings in it, portraying flowing waters, the hanar, the drell, all surrounded by the Enkindlers. She traced the artistic patterns with her fingers. This must have taken ages to create.

"It was a gift to the Hanar from our species, as a thanks for saving us." Thane said behind her.

"It's gorgeous. I had no idea your people were capable of such skill."

"We all have our place in the society. Our cultures are similar in that respect."

Shepard marveled at the extensive detail of the piece and was almost sad when Thane pulled her away. But she soon realized it was only to show her more. And the further in they went, the more elaborate the art got. The lights were shaped like water drops, racing hanar painted along the walls, the whole place was a tribute to the native race. And it was in perfect harmony with the surrounding environment.

"This way." Thane guided her down a smaller walkway. The walls were no less decorated, but this time, they portrayed different types of fish, each carefully set in colorful mosaics. It was such a contrast to her birthplace. Shepard had once thought that the Illium skyline was awe inspiring. Being here, seeing this, changed her mind. Something about the depth, the colors, and the mysteries of the waters attracted her. The oceans were turbulent and dangerous to those who didn't know how to navigate them, but within these walls, she felt safe and strangely at peace. Not even their footsteps echoed. The floors were carpeted with rugs of ornate designs. Shepard had never realized how many shades of green there were. Illium's sunsets paled in comparison.

After walking through numerous doors and passageways, they had finally arrived in a small room. It was dark, only illuminated by a thin band of light around each window. In the center of the room, there were a couple benches, some pillows, and a few stools. Despite the darkness, the atmosphere was serene.

"I used to come here as a child after each training session." Thane said, taking a seat on the floor by a window. "Sitting here, watching the Hanar, gave me a sort of resolve. A purpose, if you will. The room was designed for meditation. The Hanar believe this to be the center of the Encompassing, the point from which all life began, gifted by the Enkindlers."

Shepard took a seat next to him, hugging a pillow to her chest. The windows in the room took up most of the wall space, making her feel suspended, adrift. She understood why this would be a good place to meditate. The sense of being connected to everything was ever present.

"I could stay here forever." she said quietly, gazing out the window.

"If only we had forever." Thane replied. "But we do not. We must make the best of the time we get. When you disappeared, I thought you were dead. I don't think I have ever been that scared in my entire life." his brows knitted together as he looked down on his hands. "What compelled you to leave on your own?"

Shepard looked at him, guilt spreading throughout her. She couldn't lie to him.

"I-" she bit her lower lip, hard enough to keep herself composed. He had the right to know. "I didn't want to endanger anyone else. It seemed like a good idea at the time." She sighed and turned back to the window. "I know now that it was a selfish idea. I had not considered the consequences. And I'm sorry for that. I also know there's nothing I can do to make up for the pain I must have caused."

"Siha, I did not bring you here to make up for lost time. Time cannot be made up. I brought you here to move forward. I admit, your rash and reckless behavior angered me at first. I believed you did not trust me enough to tell me. But I know you have everyone's best interest at heart." he finished, turning to her. The pale blue light reflected in his dark eyes, illuminating his face. His expression tore at her insides. She should tell him. She should. Shepard took a deep breath. If trust was at stake here, she needed to tell him the whole truth.

"I--- During my imprisonment, I-" the words caught in her throat and she couldn't bring herself to say any more than that. Her fingers tightened around the pillow as she fought back emotions stirred by the memories.

"If you don't want to talk about it right now, I can wait." Thane comforted her.

"No, I need to say this. It's important." she continued.

"I'll listen to anything you have to say, Siha."

Shepard blew out her breath and released her tenacious hold on the pillow, hoping that armed with this new information, Thane will not be too mad at her, even though he'll have every right to be.

* * *

**A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaand I leave you with another cliff hanger. I'm so terrible.**


	44. Truth

Shepard was a master of conversations. At least, she thought so. Nervousness was just not something she normally experienced. So why was it holding her back this time? She squeezed the pillow against her chest, trying to put together words in her mind.

"Please understand that, had I known, I would have never done what I did." Shepard began, silently cursing herself. The longer she skirted around the subject, the harder it became to tell him. It wasn't entirely her fault, she knew that. But somehow, she felt like it was. After all, she was the one foolish enough to go there on her own, unarmed. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him get up. Thane sat behind her, letting her lean against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her middle.

"What did they do to you?" he asked, gently resting his chin on her shoulder.

"It's not what they did to me, it's what I did to myself. To us."

Shepard bit her lip. No more skirting. No more excuses. No more secrets. She took his hands in hers and pressed them against her abdomen.

"If I listened to you, if I was smarter, we would have a child now. Can you imagine? Me. A mother." she laughed ruefully. "I didn't think it would be possible. I mean, when I entered the military, they had everyone fixed and screened. It was protocol. They tested me twice after the procedure and I passed. It shouldn't have happened."

"Siha-"

"I don't understand it. Unless when they rebuilt me... That had to be it. It's the only explanation." She was rambling now, but she couldn't stop herself. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have gone. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have lost it. I'm sorry, Thane. It was all my fault." She held on to him as if her very life depended on it. At least she managed to hold back the tears. A small accomplishment. "I'll understand if-" the words caught in her throat. She took a deep breath and tried again. "I'll understand if you're angry. You have every right to be." The silence that followed worried her and Shepard thought it might be a good idea to give him some room. But when she tried to get up, she couldn't. His hold on her prevented her from going anywhere.

"Thane..?"

"I am sorry, Siha. That must have been-" His arms were tightly wound around her middle, his face buried in her neck. "I am not mad at you. You are not at fault."

"But it still doesn't make it okay." Shepard said, still not relieved. "My inconsideration cost an innocent life. A life that I can never bring back."

"You are right. It is not okay. But you cannot continue blaming yourself for something you did not know. The possibility of a pregnancy is extremely low between our species."

It took Shepard a moment to comprehend the meaning of the statement. The simplicity of it made her realize how often she forgot that they are so different.

"You knew about it."

"I have- considered it, I admit. But it was not my intent."

Shepard was completely taken aback. Thane wanted to start a family with her. With her. Despite the low probability. Despite their differences. The thought made her impossibly happy. She had never realized how much she wanted a stable life until now. The idea of being a full time mom... But she was getting ahead of herself. She didn't even know if that's what he meant. And the more Shepard thought about it, the more confused she got.

"What was your intent?" she asked, not quite sure what answer she was looking for.

"To show you how much I love you."

His breath washing over her skin, his voice, the reverberation of his throat, his words. Shepard's heart skipped a beat.

"What about now?" she asked quietly, afraid to know the truth. He told her that he wasn't mad, that it was okay, but she needed to make sure. Needed to hear it.

"You are stubborn, reckless, and foolish." he said, making her cringe with every accusation. But he was right. She was all that and more. She had treated him with disrespect, put him through hell and back, nearly killed him. As much as it pained her to admit it, he deserved someone better. Or at least someone who wasn't her. "But, you mean the world to me. And that will never change."

Sitting in a room completely surrounded by the oceans of Kahje, hundreds of feet below sea level, Shepard was in the arms of the only being who ever made her feel complete. Thane's words echoed in her mind, over and over again, each echo bringing her closer and closer to a feeling so familiar yet so forgotten.

It was the same giddy feeling she got in the pit of her stomach when she reached the highest point on a swing, right before free fall. The feeling of a billion butterflies exploding in an array of beauty and pure thrill. And she loved it, every second of it.

"Thank you."

"For what, Siha?"

"For never giving up on me."


	45. Encounter of the Kolyat Kind

For the rest of the day, they walked hand in hand as Thane gave her a tour of the underwater tunnels. He showed her the amphitheater, the plaza, museums, they even got to see the hanar worship center which was perhaps the most stunning place Shepard had seen here. It made her wonder how much more there was to this planet. In all their walking, she was sure they only scratched the surface.

"There's one more place I want to see." she said, leaning over the balcony to look down at the people meandering below. The plaza reminded her of the Citadel, just with less humans and douche bag politicians. It was actually much prettier than the Citadel, too. Being only partially submerged in water, looking up she could see the rain beating down on the glass dome, echoing dully throughout. She closed her eyes to hear it more clearly. Mixed in with the low hum of conversations below, it was very relaxing, peace only being broken by an occasional thunder clap. Memories from her childhood flooded her mind and she could almost feel the raindrops hitting her skin.

"Siha?" Thane's voice penetrated through her thoughts as his hand touched her back. Shepard realized she had completely drifted off.

"I'm sorry. I just love the sound of rain. It is very calming."

"I agree. Did you want to stay here for a while longer or continue on?"

Shepard listened for a minute more then agreed to continue. She could always come back later.

"Where to now?" she asked.

"You said there was one more place you wanted to see."

"Oh! Yes. I wanted to see you home."

Thane paused at that, making Shepard wonder if she wasn't allowed to see it or if it was even on this planet. Something she had not considered.

"If you don't want to, I'm more than happy to just stay here." she quickly added.

"No, if you wish to see it, I will show you. It is within walking distance."

During their walk, Shepard tried to imagine what Thane's house would look like. She figured it was probably prim and proper, much like the owner, with only the bare minimum in furnishings. But walking through the front door was like passing into another realm. Across all four walls there was a mural of a desert sunset which made even the barren rocks astoundingly beautiful. The furnishings, as she had predicted, were simple yet elegant. From the wet world of Kahje, they stepped into the world of what she could only guess to be Rakhana.

"Irikah painted that. Though it is far from reality." Thane said, closing the door behind them.

Irikah. She had forgotten and felt like an idiot for suggesting to come here. This was probably the last place he wanted to be at right now.

"I'm sorry," Shepard apologized, biting her lip. "I should not have suggested this."

"Don't be. We are here now. Let me show you around." He took her hand in his and they were about to move ahead when a pair of footsteps resounded down a hallway, followed by

"Father?"

Both Shepard and Thane turned simultaneously to face the voice soon identified with Kolyat. Kolyat's next words were not so happy.

"You!" he accused, pointing at Shepard. "What are _you_ doing here? What's going on, dad?"

The look of surprise and shock on both their faces was comically similar. Although, Thane managed to compose himself much quicker than his son.

"Kolyat. I did not expect to see you here."

"Yeah, neither did I." Kolyat replied, crossing his arms. "And what's _she_ doing here?"

"Shepard is visiting."

Shepard watched as Kolyat's eyes traveled over both of them, eventually falling on their hands, which were linked together. A look of absolute horror and disgust came over his face.

"Wait.... you two aren't........ Are you?" he demanded, looking at Thane. Thane did not answer but continued to hold her hand firmly. "So, just like that, you're replacing mom. Screw you, then!"

He was about to storm out when Thane stopped him.

"Kolyat, please. I am not replacing your mother. I could never do that."

"She shot me!" Kolyat interrupted.

"You were threatening a life of an innocent person." Shepard replied.

"You shot me!" he accused her again, pointing his finger at her. "Of all the things you could have done, you shot me!"

"Kolyat, please-"

"No! I will not stop! How could you even consider her!"

"Who was holding a gun to the turian's head?" Shepard butted in. "The air conditioner certainly wasn't."

"That's no reason to shoot someone!"

"Oh yeah? Well, then you must have had a real good reason to shoot that turian! Do tell, I'm curious."

"Siha, don't."

"Really, dad? Siha? When did you plan on telling me about _this_?" he spat in Shepard's general direction which really irked her.

"Both of you, stop. You are acting like children." Thane pleaded, trying to keep them separated.

"You will not marry my father." Kolyat threatened her.

"And if I do?" Shepard replied without thinking, chancing a sly grin in his direction.

"Over my dead body." he hissed.

"I can arrange that."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

It was only then that Shepard suddenly noticed that Thane was no longer within her field of vision. Completely disregarding Kolyat, she looked around. He was leaning against a chair, his hand clutching at his chest, a thin trail of blood visible under his nose. It took both her and Kolyat less than a second to reach him.

"Thane!"

His hand reached out to grab on to her shoulder.

"I'm... okay." he managed.

"No! Fuck you! You are not okay!" Shepard protested. "Go get help!" she ordered Kolyat who rushed out without having to be told twice. She had forgotten. How could she have forgotten? Thane was living on borrowed time and she was wasting it by squabbling with his son.

"Hold on, we'll get you help." she told him, trying to stay calm as her military training kicked in. Freaking out on a patient only worsened the condition. Sitting him up against her knee, she tore off a piece of her shirt to stop the bleeding.

"Stay with me." he asked, smiling weakly at her.

"No, god dammit! You are not allowed to die. I need you!"

He smiled again at her words and reaching out, took her hands in his.

"I don't intend to pass just yet." he said. Moments later, the door burst open as an emergency squad rushed in, comprised of three drell and one human. Shepard didn't even have time to wonder what a human was doing on Kahje. She was quickly ushered out of the way as the doctors hooked him up to some breathing apparatus. Losing soldiers in battle was common place and Shepard was used to it. She had to be, being a soldier in command. But as Thane's hand left her own, she was suddenly struck with fear that she will never get a chance to hold it again.

* * *

**A/N: So I was listening to some rain sounds while writing this which is why I probably almost started bawling by the end ... TT_TT... DON'T DIE, THANE!!!!! I will kill the author if Thane dies.. =_='**


	46. Love is not Love

**A/N: So, a little Shakespeare to start things off. ^^ This is my favorite sonnet and I thought it was rather fitting for this chapter. And possibly for the next! ^^ I love you all for your continued support!!**

* * *

Let me not to the marriage of true minds  
Admit impediments. Love is not love  
Which alters when it alteration finds,  
Or bends with the remover to remove:  
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark  
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
It is the star to every wandering bark,  
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.  
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
Within his bending sickle's compass come:  
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
If this be error and upon me proved,  
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

Shepard paced up and down the corridor, trying not to think of the possibilities. But the fact that she had very little to no information was killing her. Every time a door opened, she turned swiftly to see if it was Thane, or at least someone to summon her. Along with her patience, her fingernails began to wear thin as well as she chewed on them mercilessly.  
"Sit." Kolyat told her, dragging her down to a bench. "Not like this is the first time."

"What do you mean not the first time?" Shepard asked incredulously. How could this be not the fist time? He was fine before. Thane himself said that living in a desert increased his life span, if just by a little.

"You didn't know?" he looked at her, rather skeptical. "He ended up in a hospital about two weeks ago. Said he was looking for someone, wouldn't say who. Disobeyed the doctor's orders and left the next day." Shepard couldn't mistake the accusation in Kolyat's tone. An accusation only made worse by the knowledge that she put Thane in a hospital bed. "I know you, Shepard. I'm not an idiot. Just because I work for Bailey, doesn't mean I don't hear things. And from the things I've heard, I ought to kill you right now. Believe me, I would feel no remorse. But I can see that my father likes you, even though I see no reason why, so I'll play nice. But don't expect a friendly welcome every time we meet. There's only one person I'll ever acknowledge as my father's true mate. And that sure as hell isn't you."

"Kolyat. I've shot people for just about everything. Hell, I've shot people just to shoot them. If you don't shut your fucking trap right now, I'll be more than happy to do it for you. Thane's son or not." Shepard snarled. "You have more important things to worry about right now than who your father chooses to love, anyway." she added, pointing at the door behind which Thane was hopefully still alive.

"Say what you will. Your threats are empty. And I couldn't care less whom he chooses to love, like, have sex with. I just don't like _you_. You are a murderer and a heartless bitch. You are selfish beyond all reason and I don't get why my father or Nohalah would hold you in high regard. Particularly since you are the reason her mother is now dead." he spat, his words venomous. Shepard couldn't hold herself back any more. Her eyes narrowed and her upper lip twitched as the words came out of her mouth. Quiet, cold, threatening, and slow to make sure he heard every syllable.

"You keep her out of this or so help me god-" she gritted through her teeth, grabbing Kolyat by his collar. He stared back at her, unflinching.

"I told you before, _Shepard_," he replied, placing an unpleasant emphasis on her name, "I won't hesitate to kill you."

Looking down, she saw a small knife in his hand, pressed against her abdomen. An action that would have normally gained her respect. But he was just. Pissing. Her. Off.

"Do it." she whispered menacingly. "I fucking dare you."

When after a minute his hand moved away, Shepard laughed. A dry laugh lacking in all humor.

"Thought so." she said, dismissing him. He was not worth her time. And as she had kindly pointed out to Kolyat earlier, there were bigger problems than petty grudges. Not giving him one more look, she resumed her pacing, ignoring the stares from other visitors and patients.

"Excuse me, are you Mr. Krios' son?" someone asked behind her. She quickly turned to see what was going on. A doctor was talking to Kolyat and she ran towards them.

"Is he alright?" she asked the doctor, trying to keep herself from shaking the living daylights out of him. He turned to her with a quizzical expression, his dark eyes slightly narrowed.

"I'm sorry. You are-?" he asked.

"She's inconsequential." Kolyat interjected before Shepard could even think about answering. The doctor, clearly sensing tension, chose not to get involved and took Kolyat inside the patient room. She had to reassure herself that of course Thane would want to see his son first. He was family, after all. But part of her couldn't help but feel a little hurt.

After pacing for a few more minutes, Shepard decided that it would be best if she just sat. But sitting down made her remember what Kolyat had said. This wasn't the first time. The last time it happened was during the last week of her absence. And he never told her. Of course, she couldn't blame him, she was the one who planned to keep her miscarriage a secret. But dammit, he still should have said something! Her foot was tapping nervously and she kept glancing at the door. No one came out except for a pair of hanar carrying some odd looking tools and a tray of bloodied bandages. A sight that made Shepard cringe and worry even more. She glanced at the clock on the far wall. It's been nearly a whole day. Doubt and guilt began to eat away at her. What if he didn't make it? What if she had killed him? What if, what if, what it? Her mind filled with questions, eventually coming to a conclusion. What if them being together was detrimental to both of them? She wasn't the right person for Thane. She should have never agreed to meet up with him. Walked out the door the minute she knew it was him. Should have never gone down to the observation deck.

Should have. Could have. Would have. It was all useless now. She was here and Thane was... in there. Dead or alive. She had no way of knowing. Frustrated with this lack of knowledge, Shepard hid her face in her palms, her elbows resting on her knees, when the door suddenly flew open. She swiftly looked up, in time to see Kolyat storm out, giving her a look that would have killed if looks could kill.

"Are you Isadora?" the familiar doctor approached her. Shepard looked up at him, not quire sure if he was talking to her. No one ever called her by that name. No one.

"That's me." she replied.

"Please follow me." the drell requested, taking the lead. She was about to rush through the door when the doctor continued walking right past it.

"Where are we going?" she inquired, looking back at the door they just passed.

"My office." he stated matter of factually. "Please, through here."

As requested, Shepard walked into the small office and sat in a chair in front of the doctor's desk. On the walls she noted various certificates and pictures. Distinguished.

"What's going on?" she asked, bringing her eyes back to the drell behind the desk. His serious expression was more than worrisome. He sat leaning forward, his elbows propped on an elaborate looking desk, his hands clasped together.

"I have concerns regarding your friend's health." he said, his eyes boring into hers.

"What's the issue?" His glare was making her shift in her seat with discomfort. Somehow, she sensed that he was accusing her with something.

"It has come to my attention that the patient has been under great amounts of stress." he stated, not letting up his gaze. "How much do you know about drell biology and physiology?" As he asked that, he leaned forward even more, inclining his head to the side a little. Aside from what Shepard read in Mordin's files about human/drell sexual relations, she knew very little else. And apparently it showed because the drell leaned back in his chair with a disapproving look, exhaling in an uncomfortably loud manner. "Then you are not aware of the fact that stress does not mix well with Kepral's. Especially with the advanced stages."

If it was possible, Shepard's heart sank even lower at the mention of advanced.

"Is he going to die?" she asked, her voice barely audible even in the quiet of the office.

"Yes." he answered without a pause in a way only a doctor could.

"When?" she breathed out. Her heart stopped beating as she waited for the answer.

"Not sure. But he doesn't have much time. The surgery should buy him a year or so more. But not even that is certain, depending on his recovery. We caught the problem right before it escalated into the next phase after which not even organ replacement could help him. So, my concern is you." he said, lightly gesturing in her direction. As much as Shepard wanted to protest, she knew what the doctor was saying was true. She was the source of Thane's stress. She was the source of everyone's stress, including her own. "From what I understand, you and Thane Krios are a couple. Which is why what I'm going to say next is going to be hard to hear. If you want him to live longer, I think it best that you put an end to your relationship. He is a member of your crew, yes?"

Sheppard nodded weakly, refusing to hear what the doctor was saying, even though she considered the idea herself. Coming from someone else, it seemed more impossible.

"Then I suggest he be relieved of his duties to remain here where care can be provided on a moment's notice."

How could Shepard say no to that? To refuse the doctor was to be selfish. To say no was to sentence Thane to death for sure. And she couldn't do that. Not to him. She bit her lip as two tears escaped from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks and falling on her hands. Her fists balled up as she tried to regain control. The doctor sighed.

"I'll let you have him for a week. But after that, I must ask you to return him here."

"Thank you." Shepard managed. The drell pulled out some papers out of his desk drawer, signed then, and handed them to her.

"These are release documents. Give them to the nurse. She'll provide you with all necessary medications and instructions. Remember, he has to be back here in a week."

Shepard took the papers, steadying her hand, and exited the office. As she walked back down the hallway, she felt empty and her existence meaningless. Not even the threat of Reapers meant anything. She took him for granted and now he was nearly dead.

When she entered the patient room, Thane was sitting on the bed, bandaged from waist up to his upper chest. He smiled when he saw her.

"I told you I wouldn't die." he said, his voice weak from the anesthetics. Shepard tried to smile back, but looking at him she completely lost all composure. The papers she held in her unsteady hands dropped to the floor, scattering everywhere. For someone who just had surgery, he moved impossibly fast.

"Mr. Krios! Please! You'll re-open your stitches!" the nurse protested but he ignored her. He pulled Shepard close to him and looked into her eyes, raising her face up to his with his hands.

"Why the tears?" he asked, wiping them away with his thumbs. Shepard swallowed back the depression and put as much of a smile on as she could.

"If you do this again, Krios, I swear to god I will kill you myself. You and I are not done yet."


	47. End of DAY 1

**A/N: So, I've literally been bashing my skull against the wall trying to figure out how I should write these and came up with this. A seven part series detailing on each day of the week. Since I figured each day is significant, I can't compress them all into one chapter. They're probably gonna be pretty short, though. I think I've rewritten this one like..... ten times. Ugh. Seriously.**

* * *

_She awoke to sounds of labored breathing. The room was in complete darkness and her immediate reaction was to turn on the lights. But they wouldn't respond, leaving her in the void where she could barely see her hand in front of her face. The labored breathing continued, getting heavier. She decided to check who it was. Taking a cautious step, she went forward._

_ "Hello?" she called out. "Who's here?"_

_ Only her own voice echoed back to her. _

_ Looking around, she couldn't figure out where she was. There was no beginning or end to this place. She took another step forward when a beam of light suddenly illuminated a bent over figure. It was close enough for her to recognize it. _

_ "Thane?"_

_ "Siha?" he hoarsely called out, reaching out to her. She wanted to run to him to see what was wrong but her legs only allowed her a slow walk. When she finally got close to him, she saw a pool of blood underneath him, his palms and chin stained dark red._

_ "Siha-" he repeated again, still trying to reach out. _

_ "I'm right here." she said, her voice hollow, and bent down to his level. But he didn't respond to her, gazing past her. Another figure appeared beside him. Faceless, unfamiliar. _

_ "She's not here. She's never coming. Give up." it said in a cold voice. As she watched in horror, it turned it's face to her, a pair of glowing orbs as its eyes, and maliciously grinned. _

_ "You can never have him." it sneered. "He's all mine. Forever."_

_ As it said that, it pulled out a scythe out of thin air. _

_ "-No...." she pleaded. "Not yet. I'm not ready yet..!"_

_ But it didn't listen. It reached out with one skeletal hand and seamlessly plunged into Thane's body, pulling out his heart. Not even a sound escaped his lips as his body convulsed and collapsed in a pool of his own blood. As suddenly as the light appeared, it disappeared, sending her back into the void and oppressive silence. The shock of what she just witnessed rendered her immobile. _

_ "Thane?" she managed, trying to reach out into the dark. "Thane?" _

_ She called out his name, inaudibly at first, but louder and louder as he didn't answer. Fear and panic settled in her chest as she frantically searched for his body. And then suddenly, _

_ "I'm right here, Siha." his voice echoed right by her ear. She turned around to face him, relief and joy filling her. His hands came to rest on her face, his touch colder than usual, his fingers sticky. A pale light illuminated his face and seeing him, she backed away in horror. His eyes were sunken, his jaw slack, crusted blood covered his chin and his fingers. But he reached out after her, pulling her to him, shaking her._

_ "Siha." he kept repeating in a dead voice. "You did this to me. You killed me. It's all your fault."_

_ "No... no! You're not him." she struggled against his grip. "He would never say that!"_

_ "Siha.... siha....siha..."_


	48. DAY 2

"What is.... a date?" Thane asked in puzzlement. His hands paused mid movement as he looked at her expectantly. He was in the middle of cleaning his rifle when Shepard found him and proposed they have a date.

"It's... how do I put it?" she sighed in thought, trying to find the best way to explain a date. "It's when two people go out and do something fun."

"Like friends?" he asked, still not quite comprehending what a date was. Shepard shook her head, rather amused.

"No. It's.. more romantic than going out with friends." she replied. "Sometimes, a couple would go to the movies together, or they share a dinner. Things like that."

"It is courting?" Thane said, still not quite sure.

"Ah... I guess. Is that what it is for your people?" Courting was a very medieval thing for humans. Back in the days of chivalry and male civility. No such thing these days. Shepard thought back to Kaidan and their meeting on Horizon. A meeting where she never wanted to punch someone so badly. Not even Udina. Stubborn jerk.

"I would love to join you for dinner, Siha." Thane replied, smiling up at her.

"Oh! Great. I'll... find a place, then." Dinner it was. Not exactly what she had in mind, but it was better than nothing. Not only that, she needed to be careful of what they did. Thane was still recovering. "I'll let you know when it is."

"I look forward to it."

Shepard stood around for a while longer, watching him finish his task. He moved slowly, carefully, occasionally stopping to catch his breath. And every time he did that, it made her want to run up to him and make sure he was alright. But he always straightened up and resumed his steady work.

"That's the Widow, isn't it?" she asked after some time, recognizing the weapon he often wielded in battle.

"It is, yes."

"Teach me how to use it."

Ever since her encounter with Cerberus, most of her abilities were stripped away from her, leaving her with minimal weapon training and tech skills. Learning to use a sniper rifle would help out.

"Perhaps another day." he replied, putting the massive thing back together.

"Tomorrow?" Shepard offered. The sooner the better. She needed to be prepared for an attack at any moment.

"Tomorrow sounds good."

Shepard watched him for a few more minutes, afraid to leave him alone, but eventually figured that if anything were to happen, EDI would let her know. She'll make sure of it.

"Don't forget your medication." she reminded him before exiting. "And I need you up in my room as soon as possible so we can check your bandages."

"Yes, ma'am."

That evening, Shepard struggled to find the right thing to wear. She had picked out a restaurant, made a reservation, made sure everything was set for a romantic evening and she didn't even have a proper dress. A dilemma considering she picked a fancy restaurant. Rummaging through the drawers, she practically threw every piece of clothing she ever owned onto the floor. The only dress she had was the one she got from Dr. Michel and it was atrocious. Why wasn't she normal and went shopping like every other sane woman in the galaxy? Because she wasn't normal nor did she ever have need for it. A few months ago she never even planned on this. Never planned on being in love and being so close to losing it. Throwing the remaining articles of clothing on the floor, Shepard sat on the bed.

"EDI, time please."

"You have four hours and seventeen minutes until your reservation, Shepard."

Enough time to run down and get a decent dress. Or at least a dressy suit. Drell female body structure couldn't be much different from humans.

"Shepard, there is also a package waiting for you down on the CIC."

"A what?"

"It arrived a few minutes ago addressed to you. I have scanned the contents and it contains no harmful material."

"Thanks, EDI. I'll check it out later."

"The delivery is marked as top priority."

"Then have someone bring it up here."

"Of course, Shepard."

A few minutes later, a crew member whom she completely did not recognize brought up the package. Which consisted of a few boxes with labels on the lids. Fancy labels. Inside one of the boxes she found a note. It simply read "I'll see you tonight."

* * *

**A/N: Yes, this is incomplete for a reason!! Use your imagination as to what happened during their date ^^. These chapters are meant to be segmented I guess to show how short the days are when they are numbered................ a concept I just totally made up. Yup. But anyways, please don't kill me!! **

**Imma go make pizza now and go to bed...  
**


	49. DAY 3

"Really?" Shepard cocked an eye brow at him. "Bow and arrow?" When she asked Thane to train her on a sniper rifle, she expected to be using sniper rifles. Not an ancient... barely effective and outdated weapon. That no one ever used. Ever. "Where did you say you found this?"

"You must first learn patience. A sniper rifle is not a weapon you can fire as you will and hope it hits the target. It is a weapon you must become one with. This is your first step in aiming and hitting the target with first hit."

This couldn't be that hard, Shepard thought. Insert an arrow, pull the string, release, hit the target. She killed people before. Except she had no idea what she was doing. The pictures she had seen in history books were no help. She loaded in the arrow, pulled back the bowstring as far as it would go, and released. It left the bow with a satisfying _thwang_ and Shepard grinned. She knew she hit the target for sure.

"Hm. Good first try but you forgot to take aim."

"What? I missed?" Shepard switched on her vizor to zoom in on the wooden target. She did miss. The arrow wasn't even close to the bulls eye. It wasn't even in the target. "Fine, first try. Watch this!" She shot again, missing completely. By the time the fifth arrow left her bow, Thane was chuckling.

"You are firing out of frustration now."

"Because this is so ineffective! If I had my tempest, all the targets would be dead now."

"And you would have wasted a lot of ammunition and blown your cover if stealth was paramount." he answered, still smiling.

"I prefer a face to face fight anyway." she grinned back at him. "I want to see the confidence wiped off their faces as they fall."

"If they fall."

"They always do. Why do you think I'm still alive?"

"And what life are you on now? Third? Maybe fourth?"

"Killjoy."

"I see. Fifth." Thane joked, and coming up from behind, put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her neck. "First, your stance is off." Turning her sideways, he corrected her. "Aim with your index finger. Remember, the arrow curves, so you must compensate for that by aiming slightly higher than the center of the target." Taking control of her hands, he had her draw an arrow and aim it. "Now, relax. You are always so tense."

"Maybe it's because I'm usually being swarmed by enemies?"

"If you take care of most of them from long distance, you won't be."

"But that's what you're for."

He paused momentarily.

"I won't always be there, Siha."

Shepard knew full well what he meant but refused to acknowledge it.

"Oh, yeah? And where do you plan to be if not by my side?"

"Siha-"

"Thought so. Now, what do I do next?" This was a subject she preferred to avoid. Behind her, Thane sighed and re aimed their bow.

"Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Draw it from the deepest part of yourself. Let that energy flow from there to your arms. Don't rush it."

Shepard was certain that everything he just said was very important. But his mouth so close to her skin, his body so close to hers, his hand on her lower abdomen to demonstrate where she should draw energy from, all she heard was _deep_, _deepest_, and _don't rush it_. Butterflies erupted in her stomach and she blushed. Taking a deep breath as recommended, Shepard tried to put the thought from her mind.

"Right. Deep breath, energy, arms, got it."

"Keep both eyes on the target." he whispered in concentration. An action that sent shivers down her spine. _Keep it together_! she told herself. _There's absolutely nothing sexual about this. Absolutely nothing_. "Now, let go." Shepard released the arrow, her eyes shut tight. Four days left. The unfairness of the situation was oppressive. "There is hope for you yet." Thane chuckled behind her, making her open her eyes and check the target. The hit was dead center.

"Let's do that again, just to make sure." she suggested.

"Certainly."

Wash, rinse, repeat. They went through the same motions again.

"You looked absolutely beautiful last night, by the way." Thane commented as he positioned her in a correct stance.

"The dress must have been expensive." Shepard replied, trying to stay sane as his hands roamed over her body.

"But it was a sound investment." He justified as he supported her arms while she took aim.

"You looked pretty sexy in formal wear yourself." _Keep both eyes open_. "Noticed some women staring."

"Did you?" He motioned for her to draw the string, re aligning her aim.

"The food was good, too. I think that was the first time I've ever seen you eat."

His hand was on her stomach again, moving up slowly to draw out her energy.

"I think that was the first time I've seen a woman eat like you do." he chuckled in response, the pressure of his hand increasing slightly.

"Are you insinuating something?" She bit her lip as his arm wrapped around her middle.

"Perhaps." he whispered, his lips brushing lightly against her neck. Shepard shuddered.

"You're breaking my concentration." she breathed out as his other hand pulled her closer.

"What concentration?" he asked teasingly. Her hand struggled to keep the string pulled back as his tongue flicked across her already sensitive skin.

"You are mean!"

"Only because I love you."

It was her turn to pause. Four days left. There was no reason for her to waste time now. She formed the words in her head, put herself in the right frame of mind, and opened her mouth. But the words never left her. Her hand involuntarily released the arrow as Thane's question penetrated through her thoughts. The arrow was dead center again.

* * *

**A/N: HOLY CRAP!! IT'S CHAPTER 49!! Wow, this story was not supposed to have been more than 50 chapters long... It wasn't even supposed to have been more than 10 chapters long. I so love you guys for reading my story!! \(*3*)/**

**Happy things!  
**


	50. DAY 4

**A/N: Wow! I am so sorry it took me this long to update! It was the last week of school and that meant essays and finals up the yin yang. But now that I am done, I can finally finish this! Yes, this is almost done, but fear not, loyal readers, there is a sequel... I hope... I have a pretty good idea. If you agree with me, I will do it. If you don't, I won't. Let me know. But anyway, here's chapter 50! Sorry again!**

* * *

"What the fuck do you mean you don't know? You told me he was going to be fine! You told me! What the fuck is going on?" Shepard yelled. She was freaking out, she knew it, but she couldn't help herself. Her entire chest was in pain from stress and tension and fear. And they did tell her he was going to be fine. That's what they said. Now?

"Ma'am, I'm going to ask you to leave if you don't calm down."

"I am calm!"

"Ma'am, please."

Shepard turned away forcibly, clutching her fists to keep herself from hitting the poor doctor. They were stonewalling her and it was pissing her off. All she wanted to know was if Thane was going to be alright. That's all. And they wouldn't even tell her that much.

"My office. Now." the drell doctor ordered behind her. Shepard turned to face him but his back was already to her, disappearing down the hallway. She ran to catch up with him.

"Please tell me what's going on?" she pleaded. "I have to know. He is very important to me!" The drell sighed and opening the door, allowed her in. He didn't answer until he was comfortably seated behind his desk,

"How can I put this delicately. He... doesn't have long. A couple days, at most. If we're lucky, a week."

"That's... impossible.." Shepard breathed. "You said that after the organ replacement he'll be fine for a year. You said that to me right here five days ago! What the fuck was that bullshit!" She was yelling again. It was the only way she could express the pain within her, the only way she could hold herself from falling completely apart. A few days. Impossible.

"Shepard, if you don't sit, I will be forced to throw you out of my hospital."

Shepard glared at him for a moment more, her knuckles pressed into his desk as she leaned over, then finally let out a sigh and sat back down. It was useless. The yelling. It wasn't getting her anywhere. It wasn't helping Thane, either.

"There has to be something you can do." she said after a pause. "You have the galaxy's smartest scientists. I can provide the funds. However much you need, I will give you. Just please. Save him. You have to."

"Shepard, our scientists are all working day and night to find a solutions. And funds are not an issue. But you have to understand, what Thane has, it is beyond curable. His body is failing, fast. I'm sorry. I really am. But there is nothing else we can do at this point."

Shepard bit her lip, looking at the ground. The whole situation seemed surreal. It was just a dream, maybe. Like that last one. All she had to do was wake up. Wake up. A silent tear rolled down her cheek and she angrily wiped it away.

"I refuse to believe you." she gritted through her teeth. "There is no way Thane will die this easily. What did you do to him?"

"Come on, commander, you have to be smarter than that." he replied, his voice rising. "You are a soldier. Death is something you need to accept. Thane is no different. His body no longer accepts transplants. No matter what we put in him, his body will reject it. Violently. Is that what you want? To cause him more pain than he's already in? If that's the case, be my guest!" His palm hitting the desk momentarily stunned Shepard. But she quickly regained her composure and stood up.

"I'm taking him." she voiced flatly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said I'm taking him. With me. He's not staying here."

"Are you stupid?"

"Call me what you want, but it won't change my mind. And if you try to stop me-" Shepard pulled out her pistol and pointed it at the doctor's chest. He didn't even flinch.

"Your stubbornness is infuriating." he growled, rising. "Do you not realize that the moment he leaves that room, he is dead?"

"I don't believe you!"

"Of course you wouldn't. Fine. Take him. But don't come crawling back to me with his dead body."

"I don't intend to." Shepard spat and stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her. She will save him, she was sure of it. These doctors were clearly incompetent. She will save Thane herself. As Shepard neared the operating room, a familiar feeling spread through her. She recognized it immediately. It was the same feeling she felt waiting for her parents at that train station so many years ago. The feeling of false hope. She was deluding herself, willingly. She, the worlds biggest pessimists and realist, was deluding herself. The reality of the situation brought her down to her knees as she completely broke down. Shepard couldn't even bring herself to see him one last time.

Around her, doctors rushed to and fro, busy fixing patients. All the patients except for Thane. Thane was no longer fixable. The thought left her feeling completely hollow.

"There is one thing we can still try." a resigned voice echoed behind her. "It's still new technology and we have not fully tested it, but if you're willing, we can give it a shot."

Shepard turned to face the doctor. He was standing behind her, hands in his pockets, a look of defeat on his face. He looked tired, worn out. Old. She nodded weakly in reply.

"The hanar have developed synthetic organs. However, as we have not put them to a live test, there is a great risk that they may fail worse than actual lungs. Is this a risk you would be willing to take?"

"I am willing to try anything."

The doctor sighed and looked in the direction of the operating room, his hands still in his pockets.

"I will let the surgeons know, then. But I am going to ask you to leave. The procedure will take some time and we'll have to closely monitor his progress afterward. Your distractions will be... unwelcome."

"No, I want to stay here!" Shepard protested. No way she was going to leave at an important time like this. Not when Thane's life was in the hands of untested technology. "I need to be here!"

The doctor glared at her for a minute, then growled threateningly,

"Fine. But don't cause trouble and stay out of the patient's room. Understood?"

"Clearly."

"Good. Now, please, I need to inform the surgeons." With that, the drell was gone, leaving Shepard surrounded once more by bustling doctors and nurses and noisy patients. Resigned to fate, she took a seat on the nearby bench and closed her eyes. For the first time in her life, she prayed in all earnest. Prayed until she couldn't think anymore. She became so lost in herself she didn't notice someone sitting down next to her.

"If you want her back, you will turn yourself in." a low voice whispered in her ear and she felt something fall into her lap. Shepard's eyes flew open but whoever was next to her was gone. She frantically looked around, trying to spot anyone acting out of ordinary. But found no one. In her lap was a small photo holo. She flicked her thumb across the bottom and a very familiar picture popped out.

"Nohalah...!" she breathed. In the holo, the girl was crying, a deep cut across her cheek as blood freely flowed out. Anger filling her, Shepard jumped up and looked for the perpetrator again, to no avail. In her hands, the holo blinked and began a countdown. Slightly confused, she looked down at the small frame when a horrible realization hit her. Across the top, four words scrolled continuously: WE ALWAYS FIND YOU. Cerberus. In her hands, Shepard held a ticking bomb. In an enclosed space such as this, even a small one will do massive damage. In worst case scenario, the whole underground will be flooded. And if that happened, innocent people will die. Thane will die. She could not allow that to happen. Never.

Taking one last look around, she shoved the holo into her pocket and ran. Ran as fast as her legs could carry her, pushing patients out of the way, disregarding their yells of protest and anger. She only had two minutes to clear the area. Two minutes. Shepard picked up her pace.

"The exit!" she shouted to a nearby drell, "Where is the exit!"

The confused drell pointed her in the correct direction. Finally outside, Shepard stood in pouring rain on top of a small island completely surrounded by the turbulent ocean waters. Taking the holo from her pocket she was about to throw it when it beeped one last time. She cringed, expecting it to blow up in her hand, but nothing happened. It wasn't a bomb. She was wrong. It wasn't a bomb... She looked at the holo and the message now scrolling across: _A shuttle will arrive shortly. You are to get in without question. It will take you to you destination. Leave you weapon, you will not need it_. Like hell she's going to leave her weapon behind. Shepard remembered the last time that happened. And she sure as hell was not going to get into that shuttle. The holo beeped again as a new message appeared. _If you don't follow your orders, the girl dies_.

Shepard couldn't leave Thane behind again. Not again. But she couldn't just let Nohalah die. She owed that girl everything. After a moment of hesitation, she unholstered her pistol and threw it to the ground. She will save Nohalah no matter the cost. Behind her, a shuttle whirred as it got closer, the door open for her to jump in. Taking one last look around, Shepard tossed the holo aside and reached for the entrance.


	51. Fool me Once, Fool me Twice

There were three things Shepard was absolutely certain of. One, there was no way in hell she will be able to do this alone. Two, the path of this shuttle was pre set as well as timed. And three, all communications were tracked. What this means was she needed to get a message out to someone to help her out without the said message being tracked and without derailing the shuttle from its course. Shepard took a quick look around. Easier said than done. However, not impossible. At least she hoped.

The better option, of course, was to not have gotten on the shuttle at all. And had she thought things through, Shepard would have realized that whoever captured Nohalah would want to keep her alive until she arrived. That was the general rule of thumb of hostage keeping. But that was now irrelevant considering Shepard was on the shuttle and en route to her destination. Wherever it may be. Chances were, she didn't have much time to get ready for her reception so she hurriedly dug through her pockets to see if she could find anything of use. A couple credit chits, a small data pad, a fancy pen, and a discreet two way transmitter. Something she certainly did not put there. The transmitter was useless for communication but it allowed the holder of the other piece to track her. Shepard just hoped the holder of that said piece was not the incapacitated, pre surgery, bed ridden drell. After successfully grafting the signal into her omni tool, she sat against the cold metal wall and waited.

The wait turned out to be longer than she anticipated, however, and soon after, Shepard found herself drifting off. Having not slept for the past three days, the much needed rest was welcomed by her body. As short lived as it was. Shepard jerked awake, clutching at her chest. Her heart was pounding against her chest and her breathing was shallow. Nightmares, it seemed, were becoming her specialty. But this was a different kind of nightmare. The foreboding kind. Shepard rarely had dreams about water. Mainly, because she never bothered to go to the beach. Whatever she knew of the phenomena, she only saw it through a pair of virtual scenery glasses she stole from some rich guy back on earth. This time, it was different. Much different. There were no pretty sunsets, no peaceful beating of the waves against the shore. The waters just kept coming and coming, the waves higher and higher. Water levels rising at alarming rates. In the dream, no matter how fast and how high she ran, it always managed to catch up to her. Until she was drowning, gasping for air, struggling against the brutal currents. The feeling was different from suffocation in dead space. Her lungs still burned from lack of oxygen. There was only one thing Shepard hated most of all. One thing. She hated not being in control. The dream was a sore reminder of that.

Gingerly picking herself up off the floor, Shepard glanced around, reassured by the lack of water. She needed to keep a cool head on her shoulders if she was going to pull this off. Double checking the functionality of her omni tool, she rubbed her tired eyes and leaned against the wall. As it turned out, it wasn't long until the shuttle came to a stop. Thanks to the new upgrade installed by Dr. Olam, she was out of the shuttle and past the guards before the door had a chance to open all the way. She was halfway across docking bay before they even noticed. And the docking bay was large. Which told Shepard one thing. This was not a space station. They were planet side. A good thing, because it meant one she escaped, there were more places to hide. Places Cerberus couldn't track. All she had to do now was find where Nohalah was being kept. Any terminal should be able to tell her that.

Spotting an empty office, Shepard snuck in and proceeded to hack one. Surprisingly, it didn't take her long. At all. Which told her another thing. This was a makeshift facility put together last minute. No proper security, no preparation. Why such lack of care when whoever lured her here must have anticipated her escape?

"Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on you, Shepard. Did not think you would be stupid enough to come on your own this time."

Shepard swore under her breath as the Illusive Man's voice rang in her ears. Of course he would have anticipated it. She eluded him not once, but twice before. She felt incredibly stupid as a realization hit her. She willingly and thoughtlessly walked into a trap.

"You lying son of a bitch." Shepard voiced quietly. "Well played."

"I thought so, too. Want to know where she really is?"

"Even if you don't tell me, I'll figure it out."

"Of course you would. But you know, you did such a good job of escaping last time, I cannot allow you to do so again."

"Watch me."

"Oh, believe me, I am. Clever, the cloaking device. But useless with thermal imaging cameras."

Shepard swore again. She should have foreseen this.

"Thermal imaging, you say?" she took a quick look around and spotting a camera, took a pen, climbed up on a desk, and shoved it right into the lens. As it crackled and spitted in its last death throes, Shepard smirked.

"Nice place. How much did you pay for it?"

"It was free, and you owe me for that camera. That's expensive equipment."

"Ooops, my bad." Shepard relied, digging through the terminal database. It contained very little information, most of which was irrelevant to her.

"You know, Shepard. I like you. I'll give credit where it's due."

"Is that praise I hear? Have you gone soft, old man?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I'm your father?"

Shepard had to pause at that one.

"Very funny. My sides are splitting."

"Well, you know, I'm the host, you're the guest. I'm just providing entertainment."

"Thanks, but no thanks." Shepard scowled and resumed her search. Since the terminal was useless, maybe there was something else in this office. Perhaps some weapons. But it gave her nothing. Abandoning it, she snuck out of the room and quickly ran down the hall, checking now and then behind her.

"You're going in the wrong direction." the Illusive Man's voice echoed in her head. He hacked into her private comm, the bastard.

"Then make my life easy and tell me where you are so I can go there and kill you myself."

"Mm, I'm afraid that's not the plan. But I will tell you where I am. There's someone here who's just dying to meet you again. You could say an old friend of yours."

Old friend? Did he kidnap someone else? Garrus? A tremor of panic ran through her body and she had to stop to calm herself, reasoning that it couldn't be Garrus or any one of her crew. It was someone she had met before but hadn't seen in a while. Hadn't seen in a while.

"Kaidan?" Shepard voiced aloud.

"Ah, yes. Your alliance buddy. How is he?"

No, not Kaidan. Then who? Her list of friends was short. Very short. She had more enemies than friends. No surprise there.

"Just tell me where you are so I can strangle you."

"Turn around and let my people take you where you need to be."

"Like hell I will. I don't trust your people."

"Would you prefer we get this over with and I kill the girl?"

"No." Shepard snarled after a pause. She was losing control over the situation. Something she feared would happen but didn't want to think about. And now her fear was mocking her. Angry with herself, she turned around and marched back to the docking bay, reminding herself that she was doing this for Nohalah and hoping that someone received the signal from the transmitter by now. Someone other than Cerberus.

By the time she reached her destination, the guards were waiting for her. All lined up like little toy soldiers. Easy picking. If the Illusive Man wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to know, one of these idiots will. She'll make sure of it. Ten of them, one of her. The odds were favorable. She took out the earpiece and crushed it under her foot.

"Ten of you, one of me. What's a poor girl to do." she smiled at them. Lucky for her, they were all men. Easy to fool, to manipulate. Shepard grinned as they looked at each other, confused. Goons. They were nothing but a bunch of hired hands to handle her just this once. Placing the back of her hand against her forehead, she swooned and collapsed to the ground. Footsteps came rushing in her direction and before they knew what hit them, nine out of ten were on the ground, whining like little girls, broken arms and legs. The tenth one stood before her, fear evident in his eyes, his hands shaking.

"You have information that I need and you're going to give it to me." she threatened, pointing an acquired assault rifle at him. The guy shook his head and nervously looked at the door to his left. Shepard figured that he planned on fleeing. She won't give him that chance. Firing a shot into his leg, she watched as he toppled to the ground in agonizing screams. "Tell me or I'll kill you."

"I'd rather you kill me than them!" he screamed, trying to drag himself away from her.

"Trust me, you don't want to die by my hand." Shepard threatened, closing the distance between them. She kicked the gun from his hand and placed one knee on his chest to prevent further movement. And just in case he felt brave, shoved the barrel of the gun under his chin, forcing him to look up. "Now tell me what I need to know. Make my life easier and I'll make your death painless. How about it?"

"I don't know anything!"

"Lies!" Shepard accused, pressing the weapon deeper into his skin.

"I'm telling the truth! I swear!"

"Then you're of no use to me."

"No! Please! I have three kids at home!"

"Should have thought of that before taking on this job, shouldn't you?"

Tears rolled down the man's cheeks as he sobbed in fear. Shepard scowled at him and put away the rifle.

"You are pathetic." she finished and knocking him out, stood back up. What a useless bunch of idiots. She was back at square one. Taking a look around the bay at the moaning bodies, she asked "Whoever tells me what I need to know gets to live. You have ten seconds. Ten. Nine. Eight. Nothing? No one? Seven. Six. Five. Four. I guess none of you want to live. Three. Two. One. Time's up, fellas." Shepard pulled out her rifle and was about to fire when someone behind her whimpered.

"I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything." the guy said. Shepard half turned to face him, eye brow raised.

"Everything I need to know?"

He nodded, wincing at apparent pain.

"Fine, start by telling me where the girl is."

"She's... They didn't tell me. I don't know. I'm sorry." he sobbed. Shepard sighed.

"Never mind, then. Tell me where the Illusive Man is."

"It's in my pocket. On the right side."

Shepard cautiously walked over to him and pulled out a small chip from his pocket.

"What's this?"

"It's the layout of the - _cough_- the layout of the base. Everyone is marked."

"Good man." she said and relieving him of his pistol, headed for the exit.

* * *

**A/N: Sort of a lame chapter. Her arrival and stuff. Feel free to not review. I'll have the next one up soon. Hopefully. Summer is not as inspiring as I thought it would be. Turns out I write better when I'm supposed to do other things... like essays for school...**


	52. The End is Nigh

It wasn't hard finding her destination. In fact, it was quite easy. Too easy. Shepard encountered no other guard on her way, suspiciously so. She checked her omni tool again. Nothing. The base was nearly deserted. It took her minutes to find the correct door and when it opened, she was greeted by an image so familiar it was almost nostalgic. He was sitting in his chair, a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other, a smug grin on his face.

"Shepard, you made it. I was beginning to think you changed your mind."

"Skip the formalities. I came here for one reason only."

The Illusive Man laughed.

"But don't you want to hear a story, first? I've got a good one. You'll like it."

"Fuck you and your stories." Shepard spat and unholstering the pistol, pointed it at his head. "I want you to die, you ass hole!"

"Oh, but it is such a good story." he smiled, taking a drag. "Sit, Shepard. You'll want to hear this before you kill me." he pointed her to a chair and took another drag, blowing the smoke in her direction. Shepard scowled, waiving it away, and after a moment of hesitation, sat.

"You have sixty seconds."

"Relax. You'll have your chance. It's just you and me, after all."

"Tell your story, old man, so I can get on with my life."

"Such impatience. But I suppose it can't be helped. See, there once was a soldier, and a good one, too, by the name of Isadora Shepard."

"Is this a joke?"

"Please, let me tell my story. She was strong, fierce, tenacious. She was everything the Alliance could hope for. In her, they saw a fearless leader. A trusted soldier. Ruthless by nature but she got the job done. She was a paragon, a beacon of hope for the lost and and beaten. She was humanity's hope for the future. She always did more than what was required of her."

"If you're trying to put me to sleep, you're successful. The story is boring and fake."

"Do you often interrupt your superiors?"

"You are no superior of mine." Shepard gritted through her teeth.

"Ah, but I am. I crated you, therefore, you belong to me. We've been over this already, Shepard. Do you forget so easily?"

Shepard clenched her teeth in anger and frustration.

"Finish your story, then."

"Thank you. This soldier, while she did much good, she also angered many. Despite saving the galaxy, even saving the council, she was a disappointment to some and a nuisance to others. She was ungrateful, selfish. Soon, she even began to lose her way. But then, she got a fresh start. A new life. Yet, even that she managed to screw up. She had such options, such opportunities. But she chose to waste them. She was a hero once. Now, she's nothing. You know, I once like you believed the Reapers were a bad thing. But now I see they are an advantage. I have come to understand their reasoning. Their view of things."

"You are a fool. No less a fool than Saren!"

"On the contrary, Shepard. It is you who are a fool. You are fighting a war you not only cannot win, but a war you don't want to fight to begin with. I know you are as disillusioned as I am. Why else would you spend all those years so wasted away in cheap alcohol? I am old, Shepard. Too old to fight you. Humanity will never see me how I want it to see me. Thanks to you."

"Don't thank me for that. I was not the one performing illegal experiments on innocent species!"

"Ah, yes. You'll never see past that, either. How typical of you. Yet you will dismiss the deaths you have caused without hesitation."

"I did what I did for the greater good!"

"Are you sure, Shepard? Do you even know what the greater good is?"

"I know enough."

"So you seem to think. Did you know that while you were out there on your capering crusade for the greater good, the backroom politicians were planning a different course of action? As I recall, the council seemed to believe that you were getting out of hand, out of control. They were so desperate for a better Shepard, they turned to me."

"That facility..."

"Yes. A better you. That's what they wanted. What idiots. Even the humans. But I did it just to humor them. But thanks to you, I never succeeded. Not that time."

"What do you mean 'not that time'?"

"We created a perfect copy the second time around."

"... when you had me locked up in a cell.."

"Yes. That time."

"So what? You're gonna hand me over to the Reapers now?"

The Illusive Man chuckled.

"Despite your experience, Shepard, you are still so naive. No, I dislike the Reapers as much as you do. But believe it or not, they are quite reasonable."

"You've lost your mind."

"I like to think of it as... investment. In the future. Humanity still comes first in my book and the Reapers provided me with a deal I could not refuse."

"You can't be serious! You know you can't trust them!"

"And how do you know that, Shepard?"

"Did you not see what they did to Saren!"

"Saren was a fool! I will not make the same mistakes he did!"

"Saren was a fool? You are the fool here for thinking you are better!"

"That is irrelevant now. The deal is made."

"You will regret this. I promise you."

"Not if you kill me as you said you would."

Shepard instinctively clutched at the pistol by her side. The cool metal felt reassuring against her sweating palm.

"No." she whispered. "I won't kill you. I won't spare you the cost of your mistake."

"You are so predictable, Shepard, it's amusing. But also boring. You should have killed me the moment you walked through that door. So gullible, you make my job too easy. Take her."

Shepard was allowed only a moment of confusion before not even her reflexes could save her. She didn't see it coming. _Them_ coming. She didn't know how many there were. But they overwhelmed her and before she knew it, her mind clouded over as the neurotoxins took their toll. Shepard was losing consciousness and fast.

"You bastard..." she was able to manage before darkness swallowed her whole. That day, the headlined read:

_COMMANDER SHEPARD, MISSING IN ACTION AS WORLDS BEGIN TO DISAPPEAR. WAS SHE RIGHT, AFTER ALL?_

* * *

**A/N: And so it ends. Yes. The end. No happy endings here. But I shall continue in another story. Keep a look out for the sequel, a title for which is still in the works...**


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